Francine Pascal has died. I see 2024 will not be content until it has ripped away the very fabric of my childhood and left my soul torn to shreds.


I love this passage from her NYT obituary:
Though some critics panned her books’ utopian settings and fanciful plots, Ms. Pascal was unapologetic.

“These books have uncovered a whole population of young girls who were never reading,” she told People. “I don’t know that they’re all going to go on to ‘War and Peace,’ but we have created readers out of nonreaders. If they go on to Harlequin romances, so what? They’re going to read.”


While I do quibble with certain other things said in the obit, now is not the time for me to trot out some obnoxious Um, actually... nonsense, so we'll circle back to that at a later date when things aren't so fresh, though I do feel that based on how she wrote SVC, she would take the same issue I did. Actually no, let's do that now because why the heck not?


The twins are “the most adorable, dazzling 16-year-old girls imaginable,” Ms. Pascal told People magazine in 1988. They, and the books, are also strikingly innocent: Even as the thoughtful Elizabeth and the scheming Jessica clash over boys, friends and spots on the cheerleading team, drugs, alcohol and sex barely permeate the 181 titles in “Sweet Valley High,” or the scores of others in the spinoffs — and the spinoffs of spinoffs — from the series.

I get the point trying to be made here, and I want so much to agree with it, however, and my god I am that pedantic jerk but we all mourn in our own ways, sex plays a huge role in the latter chunk of SVU (if you took a shot each time Elizabeth worried about her virginity, you would die of alcohol/water/whatever poisoning so many times over that it would be as ridiculous as the plots of those books) and arguably in SVU in general. It definitely comes up in Senior Year and SVC and The Sweet Life each utilize sex as plot points or just try to incorporate it into the story in... interesting ways.

So, yes, SVH proper is very innocent and the spinoffs don't go as hard into realism on the sex/drugs front as other books of their time, but to act as if Liz didn't spend a good solid how many years obsessing over her sex life, or the lack thereof, or that as soon as Liz, Alex/Enid, Todd, and Jessica hit the SVU campus sex was a big part of the first few storylines for all of them is just wrong. How well they managed to handle these things is up for debate but like... you were right on SVH and you should've stopped there because all of the other spinoffs wouldn't have really mentioned sex (middle school and elementary school) or did tackle them.

Also, ask any Gen X/Millennial the ONE storyline they remember from SVH and it'll be Regina dying from trying coke once. Again, not pretending that drugs wouldn't have come up way more often or that drinking (which actually does come up more than you might remember in the first 21 or so books) wouldn't have either but like... that's what the spinoffs DID do.


Anyway, that aside, my heart is broken because as much as I hate SVC and how much I cursed her for it, I always hoped we'd get more after TSL. Sweet Valley was one of the formative series in my life (obviously) and I am forever grateful to have stumbled across the first few books at Phar-Mor and then for my library to have had pretty much everything thereafter for quite awhile. They were generally fluffy and served (sort of) as the morality tales Francine intended, but they weren't without that magic that kept readers coming back for more. I am ever so thankful that these books existed as they did help a lot of kids grow to love to read and that's a gift to the world.

Thanks to a head's up courtesty of a friend (venivididolli ) we have something new to talk about and also cover art!



Amazon has a listing for a new graphic novel currently slated for release November 1, 2022. Instead of it being the follow-up to the SVH graphic novel they did absolutely nothing with, we're getting an adaptation of SVT #1 Best Friends.
Jessica and Elizabeth are ready to take on middle school . . . but are they ready to take on each other? The New York Times bestselling world of Sweet Valley returns in these all-new graphic novel adaptations!

Jessica and Elizabeth have always been inseparable twins, but starting middle school means a chance for new beginnings! Elizabeth is excited to organize a school newspaper, but Jessica is more interested in joining the exclusive Unicorn Club. What will happen when the twins realize they might not be as alike as they thought?

Middle school is hard enough, but with these twins each dealing with becoming their own person--will they be able to stay friends at the same time?

Francine Pascal’s beloved Sweet Valley Twins comes to life in a brand-new graphic novel that will have old and new fans delighted as they meet Jessica and Elizabeth in graphic novel form. With the lively artwork of Claudia Aguirre, Sweet Valley Twins: Best Friends is a contemporary middle-grade graphic novel filled with heart, laughter, and lots of twins.

  Okay, the art looks adorable and I'll give the whole laveliere thing showing up early a pass because technically that could just be another matching necklace instead, or maybe Liz isn't even wearing the same necklace and I'm jumping to conclusions. I will not, however, allow the "lots of twins" comment to not be judged though. That's just... weirdly written. I think I get what they were going for but it does not land at all. o_O In an case, I hope this does well and we get enough that I get to see Nora in action. GIMME.

Ahem. Also, please don't make Lila look weird, CA. I beg of you.

But I'm so excited!

The Perfect Girl
April 1991

Robin will do anything to keep George!

A dangerous obsession...

Robin Wilson's pretty, smart, and athletic, and her boyfriend, George Warren, adores her. Most students at Sweet Valley High have forgotten that Robin used to be an overweight loner. But Robin remembers.

When George becomes friends with a beautiful girl named Vicky, Robin feels George slipping away. If only Robin were thinner, George would drop Vicky in a second! Before long, Robin is obsessed with her weight. Elizabeth Wakefield suspects Robin is taking her diet too far, but Robin insists she's fine. What will it take to get Robin to admit that starving herself is not the answer to her problems?




I'd like to say that the reason this recap took so long is because of just HOW MUCH I hate this book, but it's not. I fucking hate this book. I hate it so much. What's worse is that it hates me in return.

But in reality the lapse was because I never got a break from the holiday crap that is retail and then uh, the world went into whatever *this* is now.

Anyway, back to how much I hate this book. I'm fairly certain that anyone reading this has a vague idea of what the book is about, but if not, I'm going to spoil it all for you: TW: Eating Disorder.

( So much profanity awaits. I'm so sorry. )

Enid's Story
December 1990


Heading for danger...

People who meet pretty, quiet Enid Rollins find it hard to believe that she ever ran with a wild crowd. She's popular, a straight-A student, and is best friends with Elizabeth Wakefield. Finally, Enid seems to have her life together.
Then everything starts to go wrong. She's interested in Jeffrey French, Elizabeth's ex-boyfriend, and thinks that he likes her, too. But it turns out he hasn't gotten over Elizabeth. Then Enid's father shows up drunk for his Christmas visit. The only person left in Enid's life is Elizabeth, and when they have a terrible disagreement, Enid feels totally alone.
But when Brian, a boy from her past, asks her out, Enid is thrilled. She knows that being with Brian is risky, but he's the only person who seems to appreciate her. Can Enid resist temptation, or will she return to her wild life?




Enid's Story is one of those books I have massively conflicting feelings about. My brain has it labeled as a big friggin' disappointment but when re-reading it, I liked a LOT about it. However, my brain's label isn't wrong. Of all the Super Stars so far, this is the one that felt like it should've made the jump to regular series canon, ala BSC Mystery #5.


Since it did not, we were ROBBED of the drama to be mined from the retooled Enid/Jeffrey/Elizabeth triangle. ROBBED.



Also, it doesn't help that after this book Jeffrey mostly disappears except for Liz to hide from him in Regina's Legacy and... I dunno, possibly background filler elsewhere in the series. The only reason I can see for not having Enid/Jeffrey successfully hookup is that they figured no one in their right mind would buy Jeffrey being okay with being so close to Liz and yet so far. I was going to say that no one would buy him choosing Enid over Liz, but it's not exactly a choice given that Liz chose Todd and also we're shown repeatedly that guys choose Enid over Jessica so... Maybe they didn't really want to have Enid and Elizabeth fight over a guy? Because while Enid has been shown to be capable of getting over her exes (Hey, George!), Liz really does seem to expect all of hers to still be madly in love with her. Annnnnnnd... I get it. That's kinda the expectation, when you're younger. Hell, for when you're older, too, sometimes.


But Enid and Jeffrey work. They're adorkable in similar ways and it makes sense that after getting to know one another, they'd find they have a fair amount in common. If nothing else, they're both very Liz kinds of people and relationships have been built on less.


Seriously though, younger!me was so excited at the idea of Enid/Jeffrey being a thing and the dramatic fallout because Liz says she's over him but we all know she isn't ready to have her best friend move in on him and then NOTHING COMES OF IT, WTF.


Anyway, my other problem with the book is that it has Enid being really awesome in one breath and really stupid in the next. It's hard to buy her telling Brian off and then two seconds later agreeing to go off with him again, knowing what kind of douchebag he is. I know, I know, it's not completely outside the realm of possibility but it is annoying. I shouldn't be in mid-cheer when you turn around and do something stupid, y'know?


Enid's Story begins with Elizabeth and Enid being BFF dorks (and I say this with the utmost love) and wrapping presents at Enid's house. There are corny jokes that I love anyway and a feeling that these two actually are best friends and don't you wish you were there, too? But since this is SVH and we need some conflict, we find out that Todd is going away because if there's one thing that remains constant, it's that Todd's family peaces out at Christmas. Enid is secretly happy that she'll have super BFF time with Liz and even Liz seems pretty happy at the thought of getting to spend more time with Enid. We also find out that Enid was supposed to go to Tahoe with her mother to visit her Aunt Nancy but her father is coming to town instead. Enid admits her mother wasn't thrilled by the change in plans, but it's Christmas and Enid hasn't seen her father in ages. Liz understands but things get a little awkward when Enid's mother (Adele, darlings) comes in and makes a comment about wanting Enid to call Aunt Nancy to explain things, even though Adele already did so.

Book, we aren't even a chapter in and I've got a parenting bone to pick with you. I get Adele being ticked that her ex-husband basically killed her vacation (a point Liz brings up) but there's no need to make it sound like Enid owes her aunt an explanation about why she'd rather see her father for the first time in months rather than visit someone she's seen at least once during the series began. Nancy is presumably an adult. She might want to talk to you to just say hey, Merry Christmas, but she doesn't need a goddamn explanation or apology from a kid about wanting to see their parent over a major holiday.

Enid is less than thrilled that her mother chose to air their dirty laundry in front of Elizabeth but Liz is cool, and not in that patronizing way she can be sometimes. She cracks a joke, after Adele leaving, about peace on earth and goodwill towards ex-husbands and all is right with the world.


At school we indulge in one of my other favorite SVH bits and party hop from class to class since everyone knows only totally insane teachers attempt to actually teach on the last day before holiday break. Enid brings in red and green foil wrapped candy and hands them out to her friends, though only Winston, Maria, and maybe Elizabeth are mentioned as receiving any. We find out there's some skating party the next day and everyone is excited about going. And naturally, I have questioned.

We're told this is a new thing and one they're hoping will be a tradition (it will not be) but we're never told where this ice skating rink is. Is it indoors? Outdoors? Did SV move to be in a slightly colder climate and did Secca Lake freeze along with Hell? How is Jessica such an accomplished ice skater that she can tease, I presume, Lila about being a bad skater? I'm far more likely to buy Lila being a fantastic skater than I am Jessica, given that never in the history of ever are we told about SV being all that wintry. Which is fine as indoor rinks are very much a thing (I learned to drive in the parking lot of the one they built here) but I'm still not buying that these California kids who always have to travel to get anywhere near snow are all great at skating.

Also, wanna feel really old or really young, depending on where you fall on the spectrum here? Dorothy Hamill, Katarina Witt, and Sonja Henie are all name dropped as the best skaters anyone can think of.

Enid realizes that Elizabeth's more upset about Todd leaving than she let on, so she hatches a plan to cheer Liz up. After school she commands Liz to drive them both to the DB. That's it, btw. As far as her plan goes, it's kinda lacking. Also, it pulls the drama tab and we're helpless to stop it.

Enid heads into the DB while Liz doubles back to grab her jacket because the DB is always cold. I mean, I've never heard this complaint before but I guess story's gotta story so sure. She runs into Jeffrey on the way in and the two find themselves under the mistletoe and everyone's all "KISS! KISS! KISS!" and so Jeffrey dips Elizabeth.



Elizabeth, Todd hasn't even been gone a full afternoon. It is ENTIRELY too soon for you to be confused about your feelings just because Jeffrey dipped you for a kiss under some fake mistletoe at the Dairi Burger. I mean, really. Sigh. Enid misses this because she's sitting at the one booth in the place that doesn't have a view of the door, so she doesn't realize that Elizabeth's good and flustered by the kiss and the feelings it may or may not have reignited. Liz babbles on and then heads off to the counter to get herself a root beer (continuity!) after taking a huge gulp of whatever Enid is drinking.

Jessica makes her entrance with Lila and Cara off to the side (remember, no girl on girl action in the Valley) and, with hands on her hips, pretty much dares any boy to be brave enough to come up and kiss her as she declares, "Well?" This is the most Jessica thing on the planet and Ghosty, I love you for it.

It is then followed up by the most Bruce thing on planet Earth where he makes his way to the door and proceeds to kiss her (though I like to imagine Jeffrey's kiss was better) and Jessica rates it a 7.9. We get a nod to her recent jellyfish comments and how that's an exaggeration but she'd never tell him that, and that this kiss was pretty good. Bruce shoots back that she obviously got her numbers mixed up and that it was a 9.7 and she shoots back that she meant what she said.

Like I said, this book has a fair amount going for it.

Lila, Jessica, and Cara proceed to hand out candy canes and naturally this is just an excuse for Jessica to flirt with every guy, available or not. She even flirts with Winston. We learn Jessica's on the prowl for a new guy and she decides to flirt with Jeffrey because he's on the short list of guys she hasn't managed to entangle. She hops up a few times and manages to eventually grab the mistletoe (dying at this mental image) and sashays through the DB on a quest. She taps Jeffrey on the shoulder and for a second he lights up, thinking it's Liz. Jessica notices this and isn't totally thrilled when he gives her a very meh kiss and then scuttles away. Cara gives her shit for it and then Liz shows up to ask what Jessica and Jeffrey were talking about. Jessica says it was nothing and then asks why Liz wants to know.

"No reason. I just saw you guys talking, and I was surprised."
"I have talked to boys before," Jessica pointed out sweetly. "It's not that unusual."

While Liz is gone, Jeffrey comes over to talk to Enid and wants to make sure he didn't tick Liz off with the big kiss. Enid assures him that he didn't and the two get to talking about the joys of being single and how they miss seeing one another and it's weird how breakups also lead to friendships getting dropped and eventually he makes plans to pick her up for the skating party the following day. He disappears before Liz returns and Enid decides not to tell Elizabeth about her not!date with Jeffrey since she can tell Liz is in a weird mood... and also she feels guilty. Elizabeth invites Enid to go shopping instead of going to the skating party (because Liz forgot about it) but since Enid just make that not!date, she really wants to go to the party. Then she starts to try and convince Liz to stay away because dude, it will be SO awkward to hang out with the exes while trying to hit on one... but by the end of the car ride, Enid comes to her senses and tells Elizabeth that she shouldn't isolate herself as it'll just make things worse. Come to the party, have fun! But still no mention of Jeffrey. Liz declines and Enid heads on inside.

We get another moment of A+ parenting from Adele when she informs Enid that she just missed a call from her father. Enid asks if Dad left a message and Adele says no, they didn't exactly chat and Enid's ticked. Since this is pre-cellphones and Dave (her father) travels for business, it's not like she's got a reliable number to call him back on if Adele didn't bother to get one. She didn't ask when he'd call back and Enid's ticked and really, I can't blame her. I get that divorces are often messy and good lord do I understand that certain people make you fucking crazy just talking to them for two seconds but also sometimes you put that shit aside for your kid. We learn that Dave apparently had a drinking problem but Enid never really witnessed it and kinda thinks maybe her mother is, at best, exaggerating. So naturally we now know that Dad is super bad news and also might be where Enid gets her bad habits from. But I'm skipping ahead. Enid and her mother are now ticked at one another and Enid thinks to herself that winter vacation is off to a rocky start.

Oh, Enid. You have no idea.

Hurricane Jessica sweeps into Elizabeth's room to borrow some clothes and drag Elizabeth out of bed (kinda literally) and makes her go to the skating party with her. This scene also amuses me but it means that we get Elizabeth being blindsided by Enid and Jeffrey skating together. Jeffrey's a really good skater while Enid- not so much. Liz asks what gives and Enid admits that they made plans yesterday... at the DB. Liz is kinda ticked that Enid hid this from her and Enid admits it was kinda sneaky, but she didn't want to make things weird and also:
"Liz-" Enid drew a deep breath and forced Elizabeth to meet her eyes. "Jeffrey is not your boyfriend anymore. I don't think you should get so upset."

On the one hand, Enid's right. Liz chose Todd and chose him pretty solidly. Enid did like the guy first and she stepped aside right away when it became clear that Jeffrey just wasn't into her the way he was with Liz. On the other hand:


That's just, like, the rules of feminism.

Liz agrees that she's acting weird and that she has no claim over Jeffrey and then disappears to find Jessica... even though she just arrived with her. Remember, Liz? There was that cute moment when you two tried to sing a round of Jingle Bells and you kept getting confused (as it was a round) and Jess somehow threw in a chorus of Deck the Halls and I cheered because I love the idea that the Wakefield twins can't sing for shit but still do it anyway.

Anyway, Jess is still on the hunt for a new guy and while she, Amy, and Lila are guy watching, we also learn that Lila's father had to cancel their plans to spend the holidays in Switzerland because he's got some deal to push through in NYC. Lila's not going with him because ugh, who would want to spend Christmas in NYC, it's so cold (I mean, Stacey McGill would like a word, Fowler, and also you were just about to spend the holiday in Switzerland, not exactly the warmest place on Earth) and Jessica reads between the lines and decides to ask her parents if Lila can spend the holidays with them. Seriously, there's so much good crammed into this book.

Jessica spies a cute guy who doesn't have a known girlfriend, so armed with the barest of intel from Lila, she skates into cute college guy Brian. She introduces herself but before she can really work her magic, Enid plows right into her and they go flying to the ice. Brian immediately helps Enid up and it turns out he knows her. Enid thanks him and skates away ASAP, leaving Jessica to wonder a) how Enid knows Brian, b) why Enid seems to have no interest in such a hunk, and c) why Brian has to be reminded to help bombshell Jessica up off the ice? Dude. Luckily, gossip warms Jessica's heart almost as much as romance and she skates off to share the Enid thing with Amy and Lila.

Enid is temporarily thrown by running into Brian Saunders from her old partying days but she's here on a not!date and not about to let Brian mess that up. So she and Jeffrey skate and flirt and it's very cute and definitely on the dorky side and my heart, she sings happily for them. They even make plans to see a horror movie later that night and Enid wonders if maybe, just maybe they could be more than friends. Would it ever work out, given that they'd have to deal with Elizabeth being Enid's best friend and Jeffrey's ex? Enid's willing to give it a shot but she's not sure Jeffrey would be and who knows how Elizabeth would react. Eventually she decides that she's getting ahead of herself, so she decides to just roll with it.

Later, at home, Enid is wrapping presents while waiting for Jeffrey to pick her up. Her father calls and they chat for a bit and Enid thinks that it's a shame her father can say nice things about her mother but her mother is always a royal witch to and about her father. I mean, Enid, there are several red flags at play on both sides here. Jeffrey shows up while they're on the phone and away Enid goes. On the way to the movie, Enid realizes she could very easily fall in love with Jeffrey but they almost immediately begin talking about Elizabeth and what Enid bought her (a very girly heart-shaped box) and how Liz does enjoy the super frilly things but would never admit it or buy that kind of stuff for herself. This causes Enid to worry that maybe Jeffrey is still hung up on Elizabeth (I thought we established that back at the DB, Enid) but the two do seem to be doing some stellar flirting so who knows? We don't get to follow them on their date and instead skip to the next morning.

But not like that. Enid wakes up and we learn that after the movie they had dinner and Enid decides that the best way to test whether there's a shot at romance is to buy Jeffrey a Christmas gift. His reaction will tell her everything she needs to know. I mean, she's not entirely wrong but... well. You'll see. Enid and her mother have a cute little exchange and just before Enid hits the road, Liz calls. Liz sounds down, so Enid invites her shopping. When Elizabeth isn't interested in that, she offers the beach (so again, I ask, where is this stupid skating rink?) but Liz isn't interested in that, either. Enid can tell her best friend is down but instead of surprising Elizabeth with a visit, which we all know is what Enid would normally have done in any other situation, she goes to the mall and runs into Jessica. Jess decides to grill her about Brian and Enid waffles between wanting to tell Jessica to run far, far away from bad news Brian and knowing that's not really helpful when it comes to the youngest Wakefield and she really doesn't want to discuss that part of her life with gossip hungry Jessica. Eventually she tries to warn Jess off but Jess mistakes this for interest on Enid's part. The two eventually part, with Jessica asking if Enid will be going to Robin and George's holiday party. Ooh, that's a low blow, Jess. However, unlike Elizabeth, Enid has let her ex go and feels just fine attending a party thrown by hers and the girl he cheated on her with.

Enid finds a Sonja Henie postcard and decides that this paired with some ice-cream is the perfect gift for Jeffrey. It's cute as hell, honestly. Enid gets home and asks if anyone called and is told no. She asks specifically about her father and Adele testily reminds her that she said no one called. Luckily, we're saved from my annoyance by Enid's father calling right then. They make plans to see each other the following day (Christmas Eve) at noon. When they hang up, Adele is PISSED. You see, she was going to surprise Enid with tickets to the Nutcracker and now that's ruined, too. Lady, I want to feel for you but Enid's right- the man didn't plan to fuck up your ballet plans. You do get awfully defensive each time he calls and your daughter is suffering for it, so put on your big girl pants and find a friend to bitch to instead of your daughter. Jesus. Adele realizes belatedly that maybe she's taking things out on Enid and apologizes.

While Enid wonders why things must be so difficult, the phone rings again, only this time it's Jeffrey. He wonders if she's busy as he has something he wants to talk to her about and the party is not the time for it. She agrees to go over and then head's off to get ready. She dresses up for Jeffrey and wonders briefly if maybe she's overdressed, but decides the holidays are the time to dress-up. She's sure that tonight is the night everything in their relationship will change.

When she gets to Jeffrey's, it looks like no one else is home. He asks about the ice-cream and she gives him his gift which he seems to love. He gives her a gift as well, and it's a book of poetry... but he hasn't written anything inside the book and it happens to be by Elizabeth's favorite poet. Still, he did buy her a present and put some thought into it so that should count for something, right?

Yeah. No. See, what he wanted to talk to her about was the fact that Elizabeth came over that morning with cookies she'd baked just for him. He's wondering if maybe Liz feels something for him and this is her way of letting him know. Enid's flabbergasted because as far as she knows, Liz is totally in love with Todd and why the hell is she baking cookies special for her EX-boyfriend? Is it just to keep him hanging on so he can't go out with Enid? What gives, Wakefield? Enid's crushed, too, when she realizes he's obsessing over this and going over and over what this gift would mean but doesn't realize Enid bought a gift, a special inside-joke gift for him and the fact that he gave her a gift doesn't seem to mean anything to him, either. He's really hung up on these cookies. Enid feels like a fool and makes up a lie about having to get her car back to her mother. She debates driving over to Elizabeth's to ask what the hell but realizes she can't because she made such a big deal about going to the skating party with Jeffrey not being a big deal and if she flips out, then she'll look like a hypocrite. It hurts even more to realize she can't talk to her best friend about her problem because the problem is her best friend. :(

Later that evening Jeffrey calls her up to go Go-Karting but Enid's feelings are still hurt and she turns him down. He seems disappointed but Enid wonders if this is because he won't be able to pump her for info on Liz or if he's actually disappointed to not see her. Before she can dwell too much on this, the phone rings again.

Enter Brian Saunders. Again. Enid's shocked and when Brian invites her to dinner, she tells him that she doesn't see the old crowd anymore. He says he doesn't party anymore and when she doesn't seem to really believe him, he says people do change. Since Enid's pretty much the poster girl for change, she admits it is possible, though Brian was the kind of mess that it would take a damn miracle to change. Brian, sensing that Enid's not sold on this, points out that he's in college now and this has straightened him out and that running into her reminded him that he's always really liked her, but he was too wasted then and she was always with George annnnnnnnnd the flattery works.

On Enid. Personally I'm torn between kinda gagging and laughing. Gagging because we learned fairly early on in the series that Enid was like, 13/14 when she was running with this crowd and if Brian's in college now, he's 18/19. However, this has always been a sticking point for Enid's past and me- I totally buy wild child Enid. It's just that they keep sticking her with guys older than she is and it's not my favorite thing. And the laughter is because look, I'm not saying it's impossible to find yourself giving up partying when you hit college but realistically, you're far more likely to take it up or kick it up a notch or twelve. And Brian seems the sort to have found himself a party school and indulged. But sure, sure. Let's pretend the University of Colorado is where Brian cleared his mind and found himself. Enid agrees to dinner.

Brian picks her up and immediately tells her she looks nice and Enid realizes that while she dressed up for Jeffrey, he never even noticed. Brian's attentive and seems actually interested in her and Enid decides that maybe she'll give him an actual shot, as it's nice to be appreciated by someone. But you can tell she's still far more into Jeffrey so, y'know, make of that what you will.
Enid and Brian sort of reminisce but not exactly fondly. She asks what made him change and gives him shit for how he used to be and he says that the Rockies helped clear his mind. That and he's been taking a lot of Asian Studies classes.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Run, Enid. RUN.
But she's committed to the dinner and they end up at the Bangkok Palace for some Thai food. He orders for the both of them (after checking with Enid to see if that's okay) and they discuss college some more. When the food arrives, Brian orders a beer and instead of Enid seeing this as the massive red flag that it is, she agrees with him that it's possible to just have one beer with a meal and thinks to herself it's probably refreshing with the spicy food. Dude, you're in California and I'm fairly certain you've gotta be 21 to drink there, even in 1990 (Google assures me this is so) and so either Brian is waaaaaaaaaaaay too old to be hitting on Enid (particularly using the angle that he was always into her) or the BP should be losing their liquor license any minute now. Enid, the former party boy shouldn't be drinking when trying to convince you he's changed. You're smarter than this.
They have a nice dinner and after desert, Enid wonders if she's ready for the night to be over. What if he wants to go to Miller's Point? Is she ready for that? Instead, Brian asks if she's ready for the night to be over, because if not, he wants to swing by a friend's place for a definitely not a party kind of get together and show her off. Enid agrees, after making sure this is definitely not a party because she's not about that life anymore.
Brian has to park a block away because so many people have shown up to this not a party get together. Enid, honey. You know how this is going to end. Save yourself the headache and just walk away. Instead, she doesn't call him on the BS that it turned into a party and even forgives him when he disappears almost immediately after they walk in the door. Enid finds him downstairs playing a drinking game and he's already shitfaced. Enid's pissed, so she finds a telephone and calls a cab.
Which is a thing I really like about SVH. When someone's date fucks up, they frequently show the girl (Cara and Enid have both done this) calling a cab and just cutting her losses and they do it like it's no big thing beyond the disappointment of having to do so.

Enid makes it home sits in front of the tree, depressed. Her vacation is turning out to be kind of horrible. Her mother's kind of a harpy where her father is concerned, her dad is impossible to track down when she needs him, her best friend is acting super weird, and both potential love interests have fizzled in the same day. That's gotta be some kinda record, right? Merry Christmas indeed.


Christmas Eve! Liz wakes up early and feels like such a jackass as she wonders whatever possessed her to make cookies for Jeffrey and then deliver them. Her only consolation is that Jessica's been so distracted by Lila moving in that she didn't ask who Liz was baking for. Before Elizabeth can beat herself up too badly, the phone rings and it's Todd. Just talking to her true love grounds Liz and her confusion over Jeffrey completely disappears. Of course it's Todd she loves. It's always Todd. Unless she's on holiday or he's out of town, I mean. But otherwise, it's always Todd. ♥

Jessica and Lila find Liz just staring off into space and this gem happens:
"Did you make coffee?" Jessica asked in a creaky, sleepy voice.
"No." Elizabeth sighed and smiled happily.
"Did you bring in the paper?"
Elizabeth put her chin in her hands. "No," she said in a dreamy voice.
Jessica and Lila exchanged a meaningful look. "Did Todd call?" Jessica asked.
"Yes."
"No wonder," Lila said. "There's only one thing that could explain that glazed look."
Jessica laughed. "Right. True love."
"Actually, being whacked on the head might produce the same effect," Lila retorted.

I love you, Fowler.

Enid wakes up to a pounding headache and it only gets worse as she remembers her disaster date with Brian. Just as she's decided to bury herself in sorrow and bedding, she remembers her lunch date with her father. She hops out of bed and gets ready for the day. For whatever reason she hasn't bought her father's gift yet, so she borrows the car again and goes shopping. Again. Enid spends a lot of time shopping and I've gotta agree with Jessica's earlier assessment that Enid, like Liz, seems like the type to do most of her shopping by Thanksgiving. December 1st at the absolute latest, really.
She gets to the hotel a little early and is directed to the Oak Room, where her father is waiting for her at the bar. I know, and you know, that it's entirely possible to wait at the bar and have it be a normal non-red flag event. But we also know damn well that there's no way Enid's not going to walk up to her father and find him three sheets to the wind.
Enid's crushed and confused and her father immediately blames her mother, but in such a way that instead of realizing this is some fucking bullshit, Enid believes that yes, having to talk to a bitter ex-wife who always has an attitude would drive a man to drink on the first time he's seen his only daughter in months. But Dave doesn't stop there. No. Instead he makes a crack about besides, it's not like Enid hasn't been known to knock back a drink or two herself and Enid leaves him there. I don't blame her for that. Annnnnnnnd as much as I want to blame her for spending the car ride home getting mad at her mother, I can't. She's sixteen and having a shitty Christmas where everyone she loves or likes or wants to like is just turning on her at every turn.
So she laces right into her mother who points out that no, it's not her fault that Dave chose gin over his family, yet again. She's not responsible for his actions and never was and never will be. Enid wonders why she's not enough for her father to not drink and the two talk for awhile until the phone rings.
It's Jeffrey and he wants to take her to George and Robin's party. Enid debates turning him down but she needs a friend so she agrees to go.

Elizabeth, Lila, and Jessica are making a quick stop at the party before heading back to the Wakefield's for a fun filled Christmas Eve with the family and I'm going to call bullshit based on the fact that a) Steven's already at the party and b) they absolutely do not just do a quick fly by at this party and anyone who expects me to believe Jessica would be the sort to do so is insane.
Liz runs into Enid and asks how things are and Enid is obviously upset but won't talk about it. Instead, she runs off to talk to Dana. When she's gone, Jeffrey finds Liz and the two duck into the den to have their awkward talk. Liz jumps in and says she's sorry for the cookies and trying to sorta string him along as she knows it's not fair and she was a little mixed up due to the kiss but she loves Todd and she wants Jeffrey to be happy, to be truly happy. Jeffrey reacts about the way you'd expect him to, given how much he's been flirting with Enid, and you can tell he's hurt but it's not the end of the world anymore, either. He mentions Enid and Liz realizes the two have spent a lot of time together recently (I mean, yeah, this book covers like four days but sure) and she attempts to give her blessing without using those exact words. She does, however, think that Jeffrey is a really special person and tells him that Enid is a wonderful person. Ladies and gentlemen, Elizabeth Wakefield: the writer!

Unfortunately, as they leave the den they get busted under mistletoe and kiss once more. While Liz realizes the sparks are completely gone, Enid sees the kiss and it's more than she can handle. She escapes out to the patio and tries not to cry too much but this really is a shitty, shitty Christmas.

Jessica spies Brian across the room and heads in his direction. She corrects him when he calls her Jennifer but is willing to forgive him until he asks if she knows where Enid is. She stalks back to Lila and vents before hearing someone call her name. She finds Jeffrey and is happy to give that another whirl but it turns out he wants to know if she's seen Enid. Without breaking his stride, Jeffrey continues on in his search, leaving a ticked Jessica in his wake. Before she can really process this, Liz shows up and Jessica is thrilled that someone actually wants to see her. Yeah, no. Liz is also looking for Enid and Jessica nearly loses her mind and wonders when and why Enid got so popular all of a sudden. She tells Liz to follow the crowd and eventually they'll find Enid. Liz is pretty sure her twin has lost her mind but I'm amused and that's really all that matters.

Enid eventually ventures back into the living room but almost immediately runs into Brian. Too slow to duck back out onto the patio, she braces for impact. Brian appears and instead of being defensive about his fuckup the night before, he apologizes. Still, Enid's not fully buying it since his "not to make excuses" reasons sound an awful lot like excuses. Brian turns up the charm and Enid is still a little flattered. However, before she can tell him to fuck off (nicely or otherwise), she catches sight of Liz heading right for her with an extremely earnest look on her face. Not wanting to hear it, Enid steps into Brian's arms and the two begin to dance. Liz tries to get in a word and Enid won't hear of it. Liz leaves, bewildered, but Enid remembers the most recent Jeffrey/Liz kiss and doesn't feel too bad about blowing her best friend off. When Jeffrey appears, Enid tells him that Liz is right over there, ta-ta, bye now. Brian whisks her away and the two wind up driving up to Miller's Point. Enid's a little worried and still a little flattered. Maybe she can save Brian, even though her mother pointed out that you can't really save someone else.

And this is a thing that happens a lot during the book. Enid keeps expecting her relationship to save what's left of her shitty vacation. First she thinks maybe the thing with Jeffrey will do the trick, and then it's Brian before his drinking. Then it's how special she'd be if she could help him give up drinking and partying and my heart breaks a thousand different ways for Enid. As someone who has spent far more than her fair share of time imagining cinematic moments that always, always fall flat because that's how the universe works, I get it. But I also know, because I'm not a 16 year old fictional character, that you can't pin all that on one person.
Naturally Brian immediately begins going on about how the best way to not go overboard is to indulge every once in awhile. Enid counters that no, the best way to not drink/do drugs is to simply not do them. But he cranks up the charm and Enid desperately needs a win, so she ignores all the red flags and the two kiss. The heavens decline to part and the earth doesn't move and Enid's disappointment is very real, but she tells herself it's just a first kiss. Brian can tell she's not fully into it, so his brilliant idea is to smoke some pot.
Oh, honey, no.
But Enid's tired of being good and being the universe's butt monkey, so she goes along with it. It doesn't take too long before she's higher than a kite and it's not the fun she thought it would be. She mopes about Christmas and her father and we learn that Brian's father is also a drunk. The two try and recreate the 12 Days of Christmas but between the pot and the booze, they're a little too fucked up to really get it right.

Meanwhile, back at the party, Jessica has finally found someone who wants to talk to her after she crashes a conversation between her brother and some dude named Michael who is obviously into her. The two disappear to Miller's Point but Michael is distracted by the loud music coming from the other car there. Jessica stalks over to the car and eventually yanks the door open only to find a very, very stoned Enid and Brian and she's overcome with giddiness at the gossip that's just landed at her feet. She runs back to Michael and has him take her back to the party where she hopes not too many people have left because this is some good gossip.
When she gets there, Liz is looking for Enid and Jessica is gleeful because this is her moment to SHINE.
Before she can spill the beans, some old dude comes in looking for Enid and he's frantic. It's Enid's father, btw.
An hour after Enid left the party with Brian, Liz calls Enid's house to talk to her, only Adele answers and says Enid's not home. She's a little worried since it's 10:30 and Enid was due home half an hour ago. Liz says she's sure she'll be home soon and hangs up. Dave Rollins shows up at the door looking for Enid and the two finally get on the same worried parent page. Adele tells her ex that Enid's out with some loser guy from her past and she's not sure where they are. She gives him a couple of options, like Kelly's and the Pink Lady (ha, Adele, I think you mean the Shady Lady and why, God, do I remember this?) and when those don't pan out, Dave flings his flask of gin out of the car and heads to George's party to see if she's turned up there.
Jessica senses this is the moment, so she steps up and says she knows where Enid is. The crowd gathers and she says she saw Enid up at Miller's Point with Brian but they were both *whispers* a little intoxicated.
Annnnnnnnnd Liz is like well why the fuck did you leave her there, and Jessica realizes that she fucked up. She freaks out when she realizes the crowd is not on her side and she grabs Lila as Jeffrey and Liz head for the door to go rescue Enid. Lila goes along with her without question and seriously, I love Lila.
They race to Miller's Point.

Back in the car of stupid, Enid is sobering up real quick when she realizes that Jessica saw her at her lowest and ohshit, she's gonna tell everyone. Thing is, she's not sober enough to realize that Brian is beyond fucked up and he doesn't take too well to the idea of Enid wanting to go back. So he terrorizes her by speeding and driving like a fool. He kills some time in a parking lot spinning round and round in his car and eventually races back to Miller's Point because he remembered he's got another bottle of bourbon in the trunk. Enid begs him to let her go and he puts one hand over his eyes while driving and she shuts up. Until he decides to play chicken with another car as they're just about to hit the most dangerous stretch of road. (I'm assuming this is where Todd'll nearly die a few Christmases from now in Return of the Evil Twin, and also possibly where Sam dies?) Enid grabs the wheel and he fights her off and the other car swerves just before Brian does as well and they crash through the guardrail.
When Enid comes to, she's hanging upside down in the car as her father tries to get her to unlock the door. She manages it and he unhooks her seatbelt, sending her crashing to the hood of the car. She whimpers that she's in pain and her father tries to soothe her while pulling her from the car that's got a gasoline leak. He hands her off to Jeffrey and Liz and then goes back for Brian while Lila gives a play by play that ends in the car exploding and Enid screams for her father.
Liz rides with Enid in the back of the EMS to the hospital and Enid wants to ask her something but keeps flitting in and out of consciousness.
Eventually at the hospital we learn that Enid is mostly fine while Brian and Dave Rollins both are in the burn unit but should also be okay. I'm not sure I buy them letting Enid just waltz into the burn unit as I thought that area tended to be kinda on lock down because of the chance of infection but hey. Enid's also on the same floor so what do I know?

While Enid slept, Jessica and company brought her Christmas tree to the hospital (again, I remind you this is the same floor as the burn unit) and aside from having to handwave the improbability of certain things away, it's a pretty touching scene. Enid and her mother later talk about her father and whether this'll be a wakeup call for him, and when Enid later takes her present down to him, he admits that it is. He's asked his doctor about a good rehab program and once more I remind people this is a dude with serious burns.

Again, what do I know. Anyway, Brian's parents are looking into a good rehab program for him as well and he's going to attempt to turn over an actual new leaf and Enid wishes him well.

We end the book with Lila throwing her annual NYE party with Jessica helping to set up for it. Todd comes home and Elizabeth is all gooey and mushy at the sight of him. Jeffrey invited Enid to Lila's party but she turned him down and they both realize it's not because she doesn't want to go with him, but it's because she wants more than just a casual invite to Lila's party. Jeffrey realizes that he's into her but because of the stuff with her family and his Elizabeth hangup, if he jumped right into a relationship with Enid it would just crash and burn. So instead, he wants to take things slow. This doesn't stop him from setting up camp in the front hall of Fowler Crest and waiting for Enid to show up, ever so impatiently. When Enid does show up, nervous at how people will react after her antics the week before, Jeffrey opens the door and they basically spend the rest of the evening together. If this is taking it slow, I don't know what they'd consider jumping in with both feet.
At midnight, the two agree once more to take things slow...but the book ends on a midnight kiss and the promise of more to come.

Trivia:

• Enid's age for her rough time is mentioned as being 14.


• Enid's parents are Adele and David (Dave) Rollins. Dave is a tall drinker (he seems pretty fond of gin) and she's not great at hiding her dislike of her ex.


• Elizabeth and Enid are both looking forward to hanging out together over their vacation since Todd will be away and Enid isn't dating anyone. Super BFF time! Only no, because it all falls apart the very first day.


• A lot of Enid's old party crowd either dropped out or wound up in drug treatment centers. I feel like there's also some overlap between the two.


• Todd's family is going to Utah to get in some Christmas skiing. While the destination isn't always the same, the Wilkins family is frequently out of town for the holidays.


• Enid and her mother were scheduled to go to Lake Tahoe to visit Aunt Nancy before Dave forced a change in plans.


• Liz is considering a silk blouse for her mother.


• Enid hands out red and green foil wrapped chocolate to her friends. Winston pops the whole thing, foil included, in his mouth, prompting Maria to scold him.


• In what the school hopes will be a new tradition, they're having a skating party at an unknown location. Each class chipped in to buy hot chocolate, marshmallows, and snacks.


• Jessica has new skates. She can also apparently skate backwards and do camels.


• Jessica teases Lila about still needing double bladed skates.


• Aaron is looking for someone to start up an ice hockey game.


• Elizabeth claims the Dairi Burger is always cold so she'll need her jacket.


• Jessica rates Bruce's mistletoe kiss a 7.9 and he argues it should be a 9.7.


• Cara, Lila, and Jessica stopped by the drugstore after school to pick up candy canes to hand out at the DB.


• Jessica has to hop up to reach the mistletoe when she steals it to flirt.


• Jess realizes that Jeffrey is still very into Liz but thinks maybe the best way for him to get over Liz is to date her twin. This seems... weird.


• Enid suggests perfume, silk scarves, kitchen utensils, books, magazine subscriptions, gift certificates to her favorite store, a singing cake stand, and a homemade certificate for something like dinners made, dishes done, stuff like that.


• Mrs. French has a singing cake stand that plays happy birthday.


• Jeffrey invites Enid to go to the skating party together.


• Liz invites Enid to go shopping, possibly up the coast to the cute boutiques (like the one where Lila ditches Jessica? the same time as the party.


• Dave Rollins travels for business in a time before cellphones were really a thing so she doesn't have an easy way to get in touch with him.


• Jessica says that Liz's problem is that she thinks she has to have no fun while Todd is away and uh, she's not wrong.


• A Wakefield Family Disaster, soon to be a Christmas classic album.


• Enid's hair is described as brown but I still maintain that it's auburn.


• Lila was supposed to be going to Zermatt, Switzerland, before her father had to go to NYC for business instead.


• Jessica invites Lila to spend the holidays with the Wakefields.


• Brian Saunders is a tall brunette who went to Big Mesa and now goes to the University of Colorado. He's a graceful skater, a great dancer, and his father gets super drunk. He claims his Asian studies classes and being in the Rockies cleared his mind, curing his need to party, but this is a load of bull.


• Jeffrey is a great skater and shows off a bit for Enid.


• Jeffrey promises Enid that by the end of their skating session, she'll be a regular Sonja Henie.


• Elizabeth avoids Enid at the rink once she and Enid have their mini blowout over Jeffrey.


• After skating all day, Jeffrey and Enid make plans to see a horror movie that night.


• Enid gives Elizabeth a heart-shaped pink satin box trimmed with white lace from Feminine Mystique.


• Dave Rollins is driving in from Vegas.


• Enid buys Jeffrey a Sonia Henie postcard from Reel Revival and a carton of ice-cream.


• Jessica buys a pair of bright green sunglasses with mini pink palm trees across the top for Elizabeth but gives them to Enid after her accident.


• Adele bought matinée tickets to The Nutcracker for a Christmas Eve performance.


• Enid wears a pink t-shirt and blue jeans for her mall shopping trip and it's giving me Daria as Quinn vibes.


• Enid wears a white turtleneck with a swingy red skirt, and green headband when she delivers Jeffrey's Christmas present.


• Jeffrey's family goes in for blinking lights on their Christmas tree.


• Jeffrey gives Enid Sonnets from the Portuguese by Elizabeth Barret Browning, who happens to be Elizabeth's favorite poet.


• Liz makes Jeffrey Christmas cookies.


• Brian orders a beer without issue at the Bangkok Palace so either he's way too old for Enid or the BP is gonna be shutdown real quick for serving minors.


• Apparently Adele Rollins makes the hottest chili north of Mexico.


• Liz tells Prince Albert that someone will walk him soon when she wakes up early, but who does normally walk him? He's Jessica's dog but she's known to sleep in on a regular basis.


• Todd suggests that he and Elizabeth both look up at the Big Dipper that night before bed so they'll be both be looking at the same thing, even if they're not together. Except there's an hour time difference so you do the math, I guess.


• Adele keeps exactly one picture of Dave around the house, and it's from Enid's 4th birthday party, where Enid is perched on her father's shoulders and she's wearing a party hat. Enid suspects the only reason it's been left standing is because Enid looks so happy in it.


• Dave is staying at the Sweet Valley Regency. How swanky. He's in room 513 and he and Enid are to have lunch at the Oak Room, only he gets waylaid by the bar in the restaurant.


• Dave is drunk by 11:15am on Christmas Eve and blames his ex-wife for it.


• Adele is filling out Christmas cards... on Christmas Eve.


• Jeffrey picks Enid up at 7:30 for George and Robin's Christmas party.


• Brian's crowd really seems into bourbon as it's mentioned numerous times.


• Why is Brian even at George's party since George seems to know that Brian's still a party boy?


• Enid promised to be back home by 10pm to spend some of Christmas Eve with her mom.


• Enid's favorite Christmas ornament is a shiny angel blowing a trumpet and it's always the first on the tree every year.


• Adele thinks that Enid only helped decorate the house out of habit as she seemed kind of depressed but the book opens with a fairly upbeat Enid and the house is already decorated.


• George lives on Hacienda Street.


• Adele suggest Dave check Kelly's and the "Pink Lady" on 4th Street. I think she means the Shady Lady, btw.


• Dave kept a flask of gin in his glove compartment and when he's frantically looking for Enid, he throws it out the window where it shatters in the street.


• Dave also knows Elizabeth and she seems to know him which seems kinda weird, but I don't recall when Enid's parents divorced so that might explain it.


• Brian sideswipes two cars after he drives around in an empty parking lot like a loon. He's also going 80 as they race back to Miller's Point.


• Brian and Enid slam into the guardrail on their way back to Miller's Point and we're told this section of road is the most dangerous in the area. I wonder if it's where Sam will later die and Todd will have his accident.


• Brian's car rolled down a steep bank and Dave is dragging Brian to safety when Brian's car explodes.


• Elizabeth rides to the hospital with Enid.


• Enid's in room 315.


• The burn unit is also on floor 3.


• Dr. Meyerson is Enid's doctor.


• Adele gives Enid a gold heart pendant.


• Jessica, Lila, Jeffrey, and Elizabeth bring Enid's tree from home to the hospital.


• Liz gives Enid a fabric picture frame with a picture of the two of them on the beach in it.


• Enid gives her father a key chain with her picture on it.


• Dave calls Enid his little princess.


• Lila asks Jessica if she took her pink shoes. This is only noteworthy because Lila is wearing a red dress to her NYE party while Jess is in pink so it makes no sense for Lila to be wondering about pink shoes.


• Liz promises to be home at 1am.

Quotes:
Jessica found it extremely amusing to flirt outrageously. Boys were always so surprised. But that's because they were just boys.- p23

"Well, don't just lie there on the floor like a bum!" Jessica cried out. "Get up! Take a shower! Find your skates!" She wouldn't be on the floor if Jessica hadn't dragged and dropped her there, but point made. p42/43

Jessica smiled. "The rugged individualist, right? That's just my type."
"The whole male sex is just your type," Amy retorted. - I mean, it takes one to know one, Sutton. But also, I'll allow it. p50

Elizabeth looked up at him with a full heart and impulsively gave him a hug. She knew now that they would always be friends. - And then Jeffrey was never seen again... p125

"Oooh, I could just-just bite someone," she growled at Lila.
Lila popped a walnut in her mouth and raised her eyebrows languidly. "That sounds like fun. Did you have anyone in mind?" - ♥ Miss Fowler, you remain a gem at the most unexpected of times. p128

She would tell him straight off that she despised him.
"Am I glad I found you!" he exclaimed.
Enid gave him a frigid look. "I'm not." - p 132

"Wouldn't you like to reform me? It would be an act of mercy."
"I think the biggest act of mercy would be to have you humanely destroyed," Enid said dryly. "I know a good vet who could put you out of your misery." - If you still wonder why I love Enid, I cannot help you. p133

Enid opened her eyes again and gave Jeffrey a sweet smile. "Liz is over there, talking to Steve and Cara," she said politely.
"Huh?" Jeffrey looked puzzled and shook his head. "No, I wanted to-"
"Right over there," Enid said, pointing. "Sitting on the couch."
Jeffrey frowned. "But, Enid-"
"Bye, Jeffrey," Enid said, letting Brian steer her away. - This will never not amuse me. p136

Mrs. Rollins knew that Enid was hurting lately, and she knew that she had a lot to do with her daughter's pain. "Oh, Enid, what am I doing wrong?" she murmured. "I'm doing my best. I really am. It's just really hard." - Adele, Mrs. Rollins, you know that's a damn lie. I've had to sit through an entire book of you being possibly justifiably bitchy towards your ex but at your daughter's expense, so take this "best" BS and shove it. p158

Mrs. Rollins nodded. "He would have walked through fire for you-he very nearly did, too." p193



See? ROBBED. I waited ever so patiently for Enid and Jeffrey to have any hint of a romance in the regular books and I waited for nothing. I don't know why I thought this would be the book to cross over into the regular canon but I did. Possibly because one of the things Enid's Story gets right is that it feels like a book that knows its SVH history. I'm not entirely sure I buy Enid's mother not remembering the Shady Lady but, y'know, it's been a couple of years since her daughter raised hell (more if you take the time warp into consideration) and clueless parents are a staple around these parts so I'll allow it. But everything else fits really well. It fits into the Jessica/Bruce jellyfish thing that happened in Starring, Jessica! the book that came out right before this one, it remembers that while Jeffrey and Elizabeth were a solid thing, Jeffrey was no match for Todd in Elizabeth's eyes, and also that Enid had her eye on Jeffrey first.
It feels like it fits in far better than either Lila's or Bruce's books did and that might be the difference. They felt very much like one-offs and set apart from the series but this one feels like a regular SVH book but with a very Enid-centric story.

I've mentioned how much I like certain bits and part of that is that they're done in such a way that you can very easily envision the scene in your head. They fit and flow very well and they're pretty fitting for their characters. You cannot convince you that you can't see Jessica making that entrance for on.
I guess in the end, my biggest problem is that for all the Enid-ness of her own book, it also managed to feel kind of flat for her. She does a lot of shopping and wrapping presents, which makes sense for the time of year but go back and count how often I mention her doing either of these things and then add in the "and then the phone rang" kind of transition and realize I probably left a couple of those out.
I wanted more and while this is easily better than Bruce's Story by an embarrassing margin, it's also dangerous to give me what I want because then I want more.


Btw, this is late and possibly weirder than usual as it was assembled throughout various parts of Hurricane Dorian.

Let's get this out of the way immediately. Academic All-Star? is nowhere near as bad as Sweet Valley Confidential. It's not as bad as most of The Sweet Life series, the attempted reboot from a few years ago, or even the Elizabeth series (which was, until SVC, my most hated of all things SV). I didn't finish the book and immediately hate myself and/or everyone involved.

But it's definitely something I will consider canon AU, sorta like as far as I'm concerned, Senior Year is an alternate universe. I enjoyed parts and I think it's worth a read if you're so inclined.

I don't normally utilize spoiler cuts for things here but since this is actually new and some people might like to experience it for themselves before some jackass (me) goes on and on about it, we shall be considerate.

Head's up if you buy the actual physical copy of the book: it is very floppy. It's glossy but there's no reinforcement to keep it from being bent when shipped. It's also smaller than I anticipated, but I am also terrible with dimensions so whatcha gonna do.

( Spoilers. For real. )

Starring Jessica!
January 1991


The spotlight is on Jessica-or is it?

Choose me!



   When TV talk-show host Eric Parker comes to Sweet Valley and announces a contest to find the perfect American teen, Jessica Wakefield vows to win the coveted spot as Eric's special TV guest. She's meant to be a star! Then Lila Fowler, Jessica's best friend, announces she's going to win the spot, and the contest becomes a battle of wills and wits.
 With the help of Bruce Patman, who has his own score to settle with Jessica, Lila devises a brilliant scheme to ruin Jessica's shot at stardom. Will Jessica have her moment in the limelight, or will Lila succeed in stealing the show?


Full disclosure: We're entering a stretch of SVH that is pretty spotty, memory-wise, for me. Some of these books I remember bits and pieces of and some I suspect I'll remember more once I actually crack into them. I'm not sure why there's a memory lapse other than kid!me probably didn't re-read these as many times. Possibly because the library didn't have as many copies or my branch didn't anyway and also definitely because I don't have multiple copies of most of these running around from that whole "book of the month" thing.


   Anyway, Starring Jessica is kinda odd right off the bat. I need you to take a good, hard look at that cover. Does Jessica not seem kinda punchable? Kid!me was never a fan of this cover and that's about all I remember from this book beyond her scheming. But really, you could pick up almost any SVH book and find Jessica scheming. :P I will say this for the cover though: it matches the outfit worn in The Interview. But we'll come back to this later.

  In the last book, Jessica was all hyped up to land the guest spot on a special Sweet Valley episode of Eric Parker's talk show. Eric Parker is apparently some talk show host with a weekly show who graduated from SVH fifteen years ago and is now doing a special "All American Teen" episode. So he's looking for the perfect ordinary American teen. And who's more ordinary perfect than Jessica Wakefield?
Gotta admit, this is probably the other part where my brain just short circuits trying to reconcile the in world fiction with how the twins are perceived out here in reality. Still, in both Jessica isn't exactly average, though I guess with Jessica there's nothing that says she can't be stunningly popular and still be in the running. Otherwise, I suppose her grades are probably good but not Liz Wakefield levels, she's decently well rounded even though this book forgets the summer running theme of her working at a newspaper in an effort to push a Liz is jealous storyline... but I still feel like Cara, Olivia, or Winston or just about anyone else would've been a better fit for the whole "average" teen. Jessica is one of the freakin' stars of the school. Hell, if you stripped Lila's money from the equation, she's still a better fit. But of course we would never do that.

  Running against Jessica are Lila and Winston. Cara and quite a few others are also mentioned, but really Lila and Win get the most screen time. Lila technically doesn't lie on her application, but she does stretch the truth to its very limits and forgets to mention that her father's money is bankrolling whatever parts of town the Patman's money isn't.

   Jessica is outraged that Lila would be so deceitful and it's kinda funny how worked up Jess gets over this. Jess isn't above doing the same thing in nearly any other situation, but since we're supposed to root for her, she decides to approach this far more truthfully. When she eagerly fills out her application, she quickly realizes that on paper she seems, dare I say it, kind of shallow. It's this moment that allows me to buy that Jessica's not willing to outright lie on her application- she wants to win on her own merits, even if they are a bit exaggerated. Still, she needs a baseline before she can exaggerate, so she turns to Liz to help her with her application.

  Liz takes Jessica's brief existential crisis in stride and points out things Jessica's forgotten, like her babysitting experience and that time she was a candy-striper, and later even offers something new: Penny's looking for something new for The Oracle and Liz is sure Jessica could come up with something good. Jessica takes two seconds to think about it before asking Liz for Penny's number. When Penny agrees to let Jess submit a piece, she also asks what Jessica's got in mind. Jessica falters for two seconds before coming up with "The Worst Dates Of My Life" and Penny loves it. She loves it so much that Elizabeth can't help but feel more than a little jealous that Penny thinks it's perfect as is, and Liz can't remember Penny ever saying such a thing about Elizabeth's writing. To be fair, Liz, you did help Jessica and convinced her to change the names to protect the guilty. You just couldn't convince her to come up with harder to figure out aliases.

   Much like Bruce Patman's Guide To Dating, I would very much like to read the entirety of Jessica's article. Alas, we're just given a glimpse or two and some of the references, like Winston and Jess being stranded on an island, or the callback to Magenta Galaxy. Jessica can't resist the urge to take a little creative license and describes kissing Bruce like kissing a dead jellyfish. Liz worries that Bruce is going to be understandably upset, but Jess isn't because of all the guys at school, Bruce is the one who could stand to be taken down a peg or fifteen.

  Yeah. For some reason Bruce is not overjoyed to have everyone taunting him with jellyfish cracks and in a blinding stroke of coincidence, there's an after school extra credit lecture for juniors and seniors and what do we begin with? Jellyfish.

   Bruce vows revenge.


  Also vowing revenge? Lila Fowler. You see, because our book required a little more tension, instead of just announcing the winner, Eric comes to down and has to interview the six finalists because they were all just SO GOOD. There's a great scene where Jessica's name is called first and she's overjoyed and Lila is most decidedly not, and you can tell she's getting madder and madder as each name is called. Lila's name is called last and Jessica is just so unbelievably happy that they both made it that they hug and kind of dance around and it's adorable and this is why I love Jessica and Lila. For a brief nanosecond, they're adorable and my heart can't take it. Naturally they spring apart and immediately decide that none of the other finalists are threats. They shouldn't be right, as Winston, Olivia, Jim Roberts (the photography buff) and Patty Gilbert are all interesting in their own way. Hell, of the six who made the cut, only Winston is one I'd consider average. Olivia's an ~artiste~ even if Lila and Jessica dismiss her as a newspaper editor instead, Patty's a dancer, and Jim's an accomplished photographer. Winston was right at the start of the book when he worried that Elizabeth, should she choose to apply, would've won hands down.

   I digress. Because we need more proof of Lila being devious, the site of the interview changes from the conference room to the SVH auditorium since that's where the actual taping will occur. A note is left on the conference room door and instead of leaving someone trustworthy there to tell people, they rely on a note. Which works until Lila sneaks back by after Olivia's interview and takes the note down so that Jessica, who had the final interview, is none the wiser. Naturally things don't go as planned and Jess runs into Olivia who tells her about the switch. Jessica rushes to her interview and nails it, even managing to get 20 minutes while everyone else was given fifteen. Since Jessica is also no fool, she realizes that Lila tried to sabotage her, so she returns the favor by making sure to not-so-casually mention that the hospital where she volunteered (Eric brought it up) is the Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital and gosh, is Lila back from Hong Kong already? That girl really does get to travel everywhere, what with daddy being so rich.

  Book. BOOK. You're telling me this guy didn't have an intern or something do background on these kids? Or that someone from Sweet Valley wouldn't have known the name Fowler? Seriously? Oi. I might even buy that if Eric hadn't been spending the last however long in town. Hell, taking five minutes to talk to Chrome Dome or I dunno, Mr. Collins (or any of the teachers) would have helped. Thing is, Lila's wealth couldn't have mattered too much because she's named Jessica's alternate when Jessica is announced the winner.

   But the book can't help itself and Jessica goes from incredibly charming (and she really is throughout a lot of this book) to incredibly stupid as she takes every single opportunity to rub Lila's face in the fact that Lila is only the first runner up and Jessica got the prize. I'm pretty sure there are transfer freshmen who could tell you not to piss Lila off because if you do, she will get revenge. Initially Lila grits her teeth and tries to fake smile her way through congratulating Jessica but Jess immediately pushes too far. So, like I said, Lila vows revenge.

  Which will lead us to the most glorious moment in this book: Lila and Bruce hook team up!

  But I need to address our B plot first.

   When Jessica's article finally comes out, it's an immediate smash hit. It's funny and well written and people love it, even those who find themselves mentioned in it- with one notable exception, that is. For a second Jessica worries that maybe it'll bite her in the ass when one of the guys she's dated in the past calls out to congratulate her but also says, possibly not joking either, that he'd been thinking about asking her out again but doesn't want to appear in part two. Liz points out that she'd like to see the day when the boys aren't lined up to ask Jessica out and all is right in Jessica's world.

  Liz, however, is rattled. She can't help but be jealous over how easily Jessica managed to knock out an amazing piece of writing- something Liz has been struggling with recently. She couldn't really get a handle on her article on Claire, and while that was more Claire being evasive, it still bugs Liz. She also worries that had she actually applied for the talk show gig, she might not have been well rounded enough, as a good chunk of her extracurriculars are literary based. When Todd and Jessica point out that Liz likes literary based things, she admits that maybe Jessica was right when she said that perfection for the twins is somewhere in the middle of fun at almost all costs Jessica and grade-A grind Elizabeth. Not that she puts it in those terms, but she does say she wants to branch out, maybe do something less in the writing field. Perhaps something to do with her burgeoning interest in environmentalism.

  Enid, sensing that Liz might be on the verge of another "take up something wacky like surfing" arc, mentions that she heard about a junior ranger program out at Secca Lake and she was going to look into. She invites Liz to join her and I wish, wish, wish that the ghosty had mentioned that Enid just broke up with her boyfriend, but Hugh and the breakup are never mentioned once this entire book, even though Enid makes more than one joke about appreciating the eye candy at the lake. I would have happily settled for Enid being happy to get to spend more time with Liz, but that doesn't really get stated either.

   Instead, Enid and Elizabeth pass their test and become two of the twelve junior rangers, and right away Liz is tapped to be Don's (the senior ranger in charge of this whole program) assistant. Because of course she does. This leads to Liz feeling increasingly torn between her gig at Secca Lake and her writing for The Oracle. For the first time ever, she has to turn down an assignment and it doesn't sit well with her. Enid points out that Elizabeth wanted to branch out beyond her writing and in doing so, there will be growing pains.

  Since we need things to return to normal though, Liz finds that her Secca Lake gig is physically exhausting and between her busy social life (or Jessica's demands on her time while also refusing to help out with the housework), homework, and writing, she's just spread too thin. Particularly since Don keeps calling her out to help out at the Lake and Liz can't say no since she agreed to be his assistant. Also, Liz isn't good at saying no to people in general, let's be honest.

  Luckily for Liz, when she agrees to help Jessica practice her interview, even though she's dead tired, she remembers why she loves journalism so much. She loves finding the story and finding out what makes someone tick. We could've told you that, Liz,but I get it. She also has a nice moment where she realizes that Jessica being good at writing, even a one-off, and Liz helping her, didn't take anything away from Liz. Scoff if you will, but remember that this is basically the message hammered home years later in Mean Girls. And people love their Mean Girls. (And by people I mean me.)



   Now, I believe I promised you the Bruce Patman and Lila Fowler hook team up? Yup. Lila decides that to make Jessica pay properly, she's going to need some help. Much as it kills her, she realizes that Bruce is the most obvious ally at the moment, what with the jellyfish thing. So she ditches Amy at the DB and heads back to school in order to meet up with Bruce after tennis practice. She doesn't even consider mocking him even a little (gasp) and goes right into her proposal. Bruce is intrigued by Lila's deviousness and agrees that with a lot of luck, they might just get back at Jessica.

  Alas, Lila's plan is far from brilliant though technically it works. She calls Jessica up Thursday night and says that she's thought about it and she's sorry for being such a bad friend and to make it up to Jess, she'd really like to go shopping for the perfect outfit for Jess to wear for her big break. And Jessica falls for it because she misses Lila, too. So Jess cancels her shopping trip with her mother (poor Alice) and agrees to head out with Lila the following day. Which, btw, is the day of the show. Uh oh.

  Lila convinces Jess that the perfect outfit is in Cold Springs, a town an hour away. Jessica's not exactly thrilled because she needs to be at the SVH auditorium, ready to go, at 7pm. Lila points out they'll be back at 5:30, 6pm at the latest. Which is BS as they don't leave til 3pm. You can't convince me that these two shopaholics will find something in less than half an hour, but since we all know Lila's up to something, fine. There's a stupid slip where Lila practically cackles and says You'll be sorry! when Jess agrees, but Jess isn't really paying attention. Jess, you kinda deserve what's about to happen. *facepalm*

  Lila takes Jess to The Lido, and almost immediately they find an outfit that appeals to Jessica. Lila convinces her to try it on and when Jessica goes to head to the dressing room, Li also volunteers to hold her purse. As soon as Jessica's back is turned, Lila scurries out the door and drives away, leaving Jessica stranded. Jess runs out after Lila and the clerks, who've been eying Jessica this whole time, immediately pounce. The cops are called before Jess even manages to run out the door ... because earlier that afternoon a Detective Tapnam called to warn them of a blonde matching Jessica's exact description who had been shoplifting from stores in the area.

  How often are we subjected to being told that Liz and Jessica are the ultimate California dream girls, what with their tans and blonde hair, and blue-green eyes? I'm pretty sure a zillion girls match the same description, though I suppose this all hinges on the fact that high school girls don't typically shop at The Lido? I dunno. Lila didn't need Bruce for this, honestly, as all he did was make a phone call. Lila could've done that. But then we would've been robbed of the next glorious moment.

   Lila practically flies back to Sweet Valley, high on her successful ditching of Jessica. What with the cops interrogating her and the distance, there's no way in hell Jessica will make it back home in time to be on Eric's show. Lila will go on and everything will be perfect. Revenge is exhilarating. She shows up at Patman Manor and finds Bruce climbing out of the pool, so she takes a moment to appreciate the view. She then gives him a thumbs up and says mission accomplished and with any luck, Jess might even be behind bars. Bruce is elated and swings Lila around in celebration and in the distance you can hear a thousand 'shipper hearts take flight. The pair take fiendish delight in the thought of Jessica missing her big break and Lila hugs Bruce. He puts his arms around her and then, for one brief shining moment, the two kiss.

  They immediately spring apart, with Bruce very nearly toppling back into the pool, and Lila plays it off like it's no big deal, but you can tell that Lila most definitely does not think Bruce kisses like a jellyfish, dead or otherwise. And Bruce is equally thrown and my god, this scene erases any and all sins in the rest of the book because um, yeah. Lila and Bruce kiss.


   So, where were we? Oh, yeah. Jessica's stuck at the Cold Springs PD along with the manager of The Lido and two sergeants. Jessica repeats that she didn't mean to steal or even give the impression of it, it was all some stupid prank her friend cooked up and you've just gotta believe her. The cops don't seem all that inclined to see things her way until Mrs. Loring flat out says she doesn't believe Jessica, especially considering that call she got from Detective Tapnam earlier. The cops are confused as not only is there no Tapnam on the force, but there hasn't been a shoplifter in town for weeks now. (I assure you, boys, there's always a shoplifter. People steal all the friggin' time.) Eventually they all believe Jessica, with Mrs. Loring willing to drop charges provided Jessica never darken her doorstep again. Not a problem, lady. Jessica's heartbroken though, as she has no chance of making it home in time to be on Eric Parker's show. She calls home and gets Liz and she wails. Elizabeth tells Jessica to just get home ASAP- Liz has a plan.

  Remember how I mentioned the cover looked rather punchable? That's because that's Elizabeth pretending to be Jessica, which explains the weirdness in the smile. For me, anyway. The rest of you are probably like, "the cover's fine, shut up about it already." to which I say fair enough.

  So yeah, Liz races to the auditorium just in time for Eric Parker to tell Lila to get ready to go on, as obviously Jessica has flaked. Liz waits til Lila is in the dressing room and then she wedges a chair under the door handle and finds Eric, playing up Jessica's total inability to be on time. Eric laughs when he remembers that she was also late to the interview and they head out to begin the show.

   Jessica arrives just before the show ends and despite not wanting to see Lila shine in what should be Jessica's spotlight, she trusts Elizabeth and sneaks in... to see Elizabeth pulling a twin switch. I love that it's not until she sees Liz in action does it occur to Jessica that this is what her twin had planned. Jess sneaks backstage and avoids Lila before Liz appears and commands a twin switch. It takes her a moment, but Jessica realizes that Liz fully intends to let Jessica bask in the spotlight, even if Liz was the one who gave the interview. After the switch, and people begin congratulating her, Jessica spies Lila and braces for a confrontation. Instead, Lila lays into Bruce for fowling up the plan and their blow-up ends with Lila shrieking about Jessica being right- Bruce does kiss like a jellyfish. Jessica wonders briefly how Lila would know and then is plunged back into the spotlight. Still, while we know Jessica wasn't the Wakefield on TV, Lila doesn't, so Jessica snatches Lila's keys and tosses them up in the air, where they land in a rolled up curtain. Lila panics about how she'll get home and Jessica says it's not her problem.

  To wrap things up, Liz steps down from the rangers and instead chooses to write about them in the hopes of sparking interest in her readers. She realizes there's a fine line between well rounded and over-extended and with her passion for writing back, she's fine in at The Oracle.

  Amy and Cara finally tire of being stuck in the middle of Jessica and Lila's war, so they declare a ceasefire. If Lila and Jessica refuse to makeup, then Cara and Amy will declare war on them... and honestly, I don't blame Lila and Jess for immediately folding. Much as I mock SVH Amy, I would not want her working against me alongside Cara. Those two could create so many problems if not for Cara's newfound morality. Also, Jess and Lila miss one another and so the friendship is fixed. I suppose when you spend half your time backstabbing one another, you can't hold too many grudges. Yay, friendship?

  We end with more gushing about Jamie Peters's new music and the appearance of Andrea Slade, a new transfer student who happens to be wearing the exact skirt Jessica's been coveting all book long. Lila immediately thinks she's uninteresting but Jessica's not so sure. We end our book on a ridiculous note:
Is there anything interesting about the mysterious Andrea Slade? Find out in Sweet Valley High #72, ROCK STAR'S GIRL

Gee. I wonder what that could be about.



Trivia:

• Eric Parker is a talk show host from Sweet Valley. He graduated from SVH 15 years ago and most of his teachers have moved on. He's got jet black hair, smoky gray eyes, and a chiseled bronze face. Also, the whitest smile ever, though he doesn't seem to be a jerk which is a nice change.


• Eric's weekly talk show is normally filmed in NYC but since he's shooting a segment called "Growing Up In America" he decided to choose an ordinary student from his old high school to interview.


• Amy starts eying Tom McKay this book even though he's still with Jean West. Amy thinks he's going to break up with Jean because he's looking for "Miss Right." Ahem.


• Dyan Sutton isn't a big fan of Eric Parker.


• When referencing the events of FaF, instead of calling a hate crime or even calling Charlie Cashman out for being a racist, we get this gem instead: "racially motivated disturbance." I kid you not.


• Winston doesn't seem as worried about Lila and Jessica applying as he is about the possibility of Elizabeth throwing her hat into the ring. Liz and Todd aren't interested though.


• References to previous books include: the "racially motivated disturbance" (my head might never stop hurting from me rolling my eyes), Tofu-Glo, Jessica's stint as a candy striper to get to Jeremy Frank, Jessica and Lila taking that cooking class, Jess and Win being lost at sea, Magenta Galaxy and the whole computer dating agency, Ned Wakefield's run for office and the break in his marriage, and Liz's attempt at surfing.


• Liz apparently uses a table as a desk and it's big enough for Jess to just sit down next to Liz, no problem.


• Lila was kicked off the cheer squad due to a prank.


• Jessica's article is "The Worst Dates of My Life."


• When changing names, Winston becomes Kevin Klutz and Bruce is Reginald Rich.


• Liz suggests that Penny print Jessica's article alongside Elizabeth's Eyes and Ears column on page four.


• Cara is downgraded from her usual spot as Jessica's best friend to merely a "good friend" of Jessica's who happens to date Steve.


• Applicants for the show: Jessica, Lila, Winston, Robin, Maria Santelli, Cara, Ken, Aaron, Dana, Bill Chase, DeeDee Gordon, Olivia Davidson, Patty Gilbert, and Jim Roberts.


• Don Wolff is a married graduate from the University of California (three years ago), with a degree in forestry, with a particular interest in environmental education. Enid thinks he's cute.


• In order to become a junior ranger, you have to score 100% on the test.


• Jessica's new picture of Jamie Peters came from Flipside magazine.


• Jessica's favorite song from his last album is "Barefoot Girl" and she and Lila both like to pretend he's singing it to them.


• Jessica, Lila, Winston, Olivia, Patty Gilbert, and Jim Roberts make the final cut, though Jess doesn't even know who Jim is.


• Lila has the first interview at 2:30, Olivia has the fifth at 3:30, and Jessica has the sixth at 3:45. I like that there's no taking into account the time for one person to leave and another to arrive.


• When it's mentioned that Eric gets the key to the city from the Mayor, it's never mentioned that the Mayor is Maria Santelli's father... even though we hear a lot of about Ned's run for office.


• Penny wanted Liz to cover the student government fund raiser and for the first time in her stint at The Oracle, Liz had to turn down an assignment. She didn't really want to do it either and I can't blame her as it sounds boring as hell.


• Only 12 applicants made junior ranger, including Liz and Enid.


• Secca Lake is fed by a stream that travels through an industrial area. Ten years ago, SV residents lobbied for a cleanup which led to the lake being safe to swim in again. Funny how that never comes up as a relatively recent event in SVT or SVK, as far as I know.


• Don picks Liz as his "informal chief of operations."


• Each junior ranger has two shifts a week: one weekend and one during the week.


• They offer a 4pm nature walk and a sunset tour which lasts from 7pm to 9pm. That seems like a bit much but what do I know.


• Secca Lake is a little less than half an hour away from the Wakefield's house.


• Danny Stauffer says he doesn't want to make Jessica's Part 2 right after Jess thinks to herself how cute he is.


• There's an extra credit after school science lecture for juniors and seniors being led by Mr. Russo and the first thing up on the docket? Jellyfish. All eyes are on Bruce.


• Despite Jess admitting she took liberties with her article, Amy agrees that Bruce kisses a bit like a dead jellyfish. To be fair, Amy's still shown to be pretty petty about Bruce.


• Liz thinks of Jessica as Lila's best friend.


• Liz is leading a Nature Education workshop for 6-8 year olds Thursday afternoon when it's pouring.


• The Lido is a little boutique in Cold Springs that carries clothes from Paris and Milan, "one-of-a-kind creations." Mrs. Loring is the store manager.


• Bruce pretends to be Detective Tapnam when alerting the Lido staff to the shoplifter.


• Sergeants Brown and Markowitz show up to bust Jessica.


• Don Wolff seems to want to make Liz a senior ranger after like, a week. That's insane.


• Jessica's eating a turkey sandwich with avocado and sprouts when Cara and Amy drag her away to makeup with Lila.


• Andrea Slade is a new junior.


• Other newbies that Penny wants put in at the end of the E&E column: a few new students and two teachers and a guidance counselor moving up from the middle school.

Quotes:
"If only I were a little more like you," she told Elizabeth now. "I mean, mostly like me, but with a little of your nerdiness thrown in for balance." - p16/17

"Filming a show here is great PR for Sweet Valley," Bill Chase pointed out. "It's just good politics to give the guy the key to the city and all that."
"I wish it was the key to my house," Lila said rapturously.
"So do I," declared Jessica. "Then he'd see where you live and realize that your application is a bunch of baloney and that you're not Little Miss Average after all!" - First, yay for Bill not being dumb and second, I snickered at this. p32

"So who's our competition again?" asked Lila coolly.
"Winston, Patty, Olivia, and Jim Roberts," Jessica recited.
Lila ticked them off on her fingers dismissively. "School clown, dancer, arts editor, photography buff. A classic bunch of nerds." pg47


"I always knew you had an evil streak, Lila, but this time you've really outdone yourself." - high praise from Bruce Patman. p91

"Jessica, you'll be a complete success. Aren't you always?"
Ten seconds had not been long enough to blunt the edge in Elizabeth's voice. Jessica stared at her twin. "No, I'm not always a success," she said matter-of-factly. "I said I was well-rounded- I never said I was perfect. You should know that better than anyone, that there are plenty of times when I need help." - p97

Jessica smiled in anticipation. No doubt about it, growing up in American is pretty fantastic when a sixteen-year-old can end up on TV just talking about what it's like! - I'll take passages that haven't aged well for 200, Alex. p106


She had not lost anything these past few weeks by helping Jessica to be the best person she could possibly be. Jessica's triumphs did not take anything away from Elizabeth.
"Shut up and strip!" - This realization followed by Liz's order crack me up. p138

"If she's worth knowing, she'll find her way to us sooner or later," Todd joked. - I mean, he's not wrong. p145


The Worst Dates Of My Life:
"Whoever said 'Chivalry is dead' and 'It's a jungle out there' must have had the Sweet Valley High dating scene in mind." - this is how The Worst Dates Of My Life begins and I need more, Jessica. p19
"The worst dates are with the type of guy who thinks wearing too much expensive cologne and throwing around a lot of money can make up for the fact that all he does is talk about himself. Bruce Patman falls into this category. I thought it would be fun to go parking in his black Porsche- until I discovered he kisses like a dead jellyfish!" - Don't hold back, Wakefield, tell us how you really feel.



Fashion:
The cropped cherry-red top had big gold buttons, a white sailor-style collar, and a matching miniskirt. - Jess falls in love at first sight and Lila describes it as Very French. Sharp, but not too dressy.

She pulled a short black skirt from a hanger, grabbed a white tank top from the pile on Jessica's bed, and pulled a boxy turquoise jacket off the back of a chair. In a few minutes, Elizabeth was dressed in her twin's clothes. She scrunched up the sleeves of the loose jacket, removed her watch, and put on a silver and turquoise bracelet and a pair of matching earrings.






   This book is SO close to being fantastically good but it misses by just enough to be extremely frustrating. Lila and Bruce's kiss almost seems like it's from another book, the way it's written and presented, but it's also very much what I would consider classic SVH in terms of romance. Which I mean in the BEST possible way. But way back in Playing With Fire, we're told that "Lila had had a brief fling with the handsome, dark-haired senior some months earlier and considered herself an expert on him." (I have got to stop doubting my memory on SVH trivia.) We're told this as Jessica is getting tips on snagging Bruce from Lila, so why are we pretending that never happened in a book that LOVES to reference other books?

  I touched on this previously, but I also wish we'd gotten a little more Enid in the book, or at least one mention of her breakup or even just wanting to spend more time with Liz because of the breakup. Instead we get a lot of Enid making comments about finding Don or the lifeguards pretty attractive but that's about it. I do really love a scene at the Wakefields where Todd, Enid, and the twins are having dinner, and it's not awkward or weird so it's clearly a thing that's happened quite a bit at this point. Jess isn't being snarky and the four of them actually work pretty well and while I'd love to see more of this kind of thing, I also get why we don't. It's something that clearly happens between books or scenes but doesn't really need to work its way into most of the books. But I love it.

  This is also the book to point to later when Liz goes on her eco kick and joins Dawn Schafer in being unbearable in their pursuit of saving the world. Though given the state of the actual world right now, maybe they weren't militant enough. o_O But yeah, Jessica laments that Liz makes her scrub out the dog food cans for recycling and it's cute. My only real problems with Elizabeth's subplot are how of COURSE she's the person picked as Don's assistant, even though Enid seemed just as likely a choice, and how quickly Liz burns out. Seriously, it's an almost immediate thing, which I get is because the book is only so long and we only cover a couple of weeks but still. It's ridiculously quick and makes no sense, really. So again, we're so close and yet so far.

   The best thing that isn't the Bruce/Lila pool scene, is probably how charming Jessica is for a good chunk of the book. If you ignore her feud with Lila, there are quite a few moments where you get why Jessica is so well regarded at school. She and Lila bond cutely over a new photo of Jaime Peters that Jessica has added to her locker shrine and they both adore the same song on his last album. When Winston mentions that he could be mad about making Jessica's article, she sunnily points out that it wasn't Winston that was the problem with the date, but the circumstances. That's right, Jessica Wakefield admitted to kind of thinking of that as a date and also that Winston wasn't the problem in that scenario. Her fears over messing up in the interview are kinda adorable (probably because like Liz, we don't believe for a second that's going to be an issue) as is her freakout over possibly being just a bit shallow.

  Unlike a lot of the early SVH books where we're told how charming Jessica is but are rarely shown anything all that charming beyond a winning smile and a pleading Lizzie!, this Jessica actually walks the walk. Unless you're Bruce or Lila and then all bets are off. Which is a problem. Jessica goads Lila immediately and doesn't let up, even when people point out that it's long past being cute or acceptable. She pretends that Lila knows it's all in fun but Jessica can't be stupid enough to really believe that. She's just still pissed about Lila trying to trick her way into winning and then outright trying to knock Jessica out of the competition. Which is fair enough, except Jess and Lila do this shit all the time. It's why they can make up at the end and not have it seem *too* weird. But she should also know there are limits as to how far you can push people.
  The Bruce thing... eh. He's an ass and I can see Penny letting it slide but that's also part of the problem, in that everyone takes a chance to take a crack at him at some point and that's not entirely right either. I'm calling this a wash though, mostly because of the team-up which requires the mockery. I do wish they'd played that out a little more, though.

   Overall, there's some legitimately good stuff to be found here, especially if you enjoy the good 'ship Bruce/Lila.

Bruce's Story
June 1990



A Grand Prize...


   The license plates on Bruce Patman's Porsche read 1BRUCE1, and that's exactly how he thinks of himself- as Number One. Handsome and arrogant, Bruce is used to getting everything he wants.
  Bruce's cousin Roger, who lives with the Patman family, is nothing like Bruce. Roger was penniless for most of his life. He only recently found out that his late father was a Patman and that he was heir to his father's estate. Roger is still trying to adjust to his newfound wealth.
   The boys have only one thing in common- their grandfather, who is one of the richest men in California. A shrewd, hardworking businessman, Mr. Patman decides to set up a contest between Bruce and Roger. The winner will inherit the grandfather's entire estate. The war is on-and Bruce will do anything to win.


   Ah, now I remember how I wound up accidentally taking an extended break from this place. This book. Bruce's Story dropped in the middle of the Wakefield political family drama, bringing that to a grinding halt btw, and when originally trying to do these in the order they were released, it accidentally slammed on my brakes. So we'll continue with my habit of circling back to pick-up the various special books a little bit later than I probably should for someone going in release order. Oops.


   Normally I'd say how much you're going to like this book depends on how much you like Bruce Patman at all but this Bruce doesn't really feel like Bruce. If actual-factual canon SVH told me that Bruce had an evil twin who took over for him during the events of this book, I would tell you that his evil twin isn't very evil and also I would believe it. There's a certain way to write Bruce and this, well... this isn't it for me. It's played for laughs, which is mostly fine, but for a character we rarely get a spotlight on, it'd be nice to scratch beneath the surface. This Bruce spends a lot of time surveying his land and thinking it's good to be king. Which has its funny moments but it also just feels very vague.


  Bruce's Story opens with Bruce freaking out with his cousin Roger about their grandfather coming for a visit. Roger's thinking it'll be nice to talk to someone who knew his father and will have lots of stories about him. Bruce laughs at Roger thinking that a Patman has time to reminisce when there's money to be made in business. Bruce isn't the biggest fan of his grandfather, but we're told the old man's last visit to Sweet Valley was five years ago. If the twins are 16, Bruce is likely 17, which means he was 12 when this visit happened. Depending on his birthday, you could make the case for either 11 or 13 if you wanted. Point is, I laughed when Bruce was complaining about certain things, like Grandfather grilling him about homework and how he spent his allowance. Those are things you are likely to be grilled about, but particularly as a pre-teen.
   So part of me was hoping some of Bruce's panic would just be that he never grew out of that younger mindset. But no, when we meet Grandfather, his assessment of Bruce is "well, you haven't changed, where's the other one?" Look, I'm willing to assume that Bruce has seen Grandfather during trips his family has made and that GP just hasn't visited the Valley in 5 years, or that they've talked on the phone and Marie sends Bruce's pictures on a regular basis but the way it's written it's like his grandfather hasn't seen him in years and dismisses him as the same punk kid he was when he was 12. Which is somehow annoying and hilarious at the same time.
  We also get the setup for some new, never before seen (and likely never seen again) characters in the form of Roger's new friend Lisa DePaul and her best friend Tracy Atkins. Lisa is too calm and levelheaded to last long in SVH proper, plus the fact that Roger has no interest in dating her and they follow through with that means she's just here to not trust Bruce. Tracy is Bruce's love interest who is also too levelheaded to stick around for long. Thing is, I don't buy that she doesn't know Bruce's reputation, especially when we're told she heard about the Regina breakup and that Bruce was involved. You can't tell me even dorkiest of freshman couldn't recount the basics: Bruce cheated on Regina and she tried coke and died, and spelled it out pretty much exactly that way. A senior, even one who spends most of her time with her family, would've heard the gossip. She might not believe it, but she'd have heard it.
  I digress. Tracy's recently lopped off a good chunk of her hair and now looks, as Bruce puts it, like a model. Bruce is so taken with her, in fact, that he runs poor 1Bruce1 alongside a roadblock. This is the first of two accidents Bruce has while thinking about Tracy. We learn that Bruce is probably not the best with poor 1Bruce1 as he's got a mechanic, Jim, who seems to be on speed dial with how well he knows Bruce's car. This might not be such a big deal except our A plot is about to kick into high gear.
   Grandfather Patman has decided that with the recent discovery of Roger, there should be a competition between his two grandsons to see who will run the Patman Corporation after he's gone... well, and after George Henry is gone, too, I guess. The only person who is thrilled by this idea is Alexander Patman himself as everyone else is either horrified at the idea of Bruce not automatically gaining control (Marie, Bruce) or realizes immediately that pitting two teenage boys who have just started getting along is a really fucking stupid idea (Henry, Roger). But he's the money mogul, guys.
  The basic plan is that he's going to take all their money, credit cards, checks (ha), whatever, and in return give them two thousand dollars each. They have a month to see who has the most money at the end, with the hope being that they'll make... money I guess? But what if both boys had just been lazy and not done anything more than use that two grand to do whatever it is they normally do? Bruce would've blown through his in no time while Roger would've used his sparingly. That doesn't mean Roger is necessarily a better business fit for the company. It just means Bruce is wasteful because he's stupidly rich and always has been, a point that's kind of made by the fact that they get two grand as high schoolers. Just about double that (it's a little under) and there's your inflation, btw. In any case, they're also not supposed to tell anyone about it because reasons.

  You sir, are a terrible grandfather.

   Time for the B plot! You know what this book about spoiled rich people needs? A school on the verge of closing due to not having any money! The Nicholson school for special-needs children needs 10K before the end of the school year or once that final bell rings for the year, that's it forever. As such, they've come to SVH to have four representatives think of ways to help fund raise along with the PTA. I'd really hope that they also went to other schools in the area, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't snickering at the thought of schools and programs in need not running straight to the hallowed halls of SVH, realizing that if they have any chance of getting what they need, that's the school to do it. Due in no small part to the superpowers of the Wakefield twins! Liz is naturally elected as the rep for the junior class, while Tracy and Lisa are elected for the senior and sophomore classes respectively. Some poor dude named Dirk is the freshman rep and we're off and running to find ideas to save the school. Instead of doing a bunch of little things, they shoot off ideas and finally settle on Harbor Days, which is essentially local shops and restaurants setting up booths in the park by the harbor and paying the SAVE project half their profits. Tracy and Liz fight for the SVH students to be able to set up their own booths and a joke or three is made about how Jessica wouldn't help a good cause without a good reason.
  And then is promptly shown to make the suggestion box for the committee and to help with setup. She's legitimately more help than Roger and definitely more help than Bruce, but we're supposed to think of Roger as at least a little bit helpful.
  We also get a bit where Tracy has always admired the Wakefield twins and hopes that this project will finally help them to become friends. Since I've always wondered how the background characters actually feel about the twins, this scratches that itch, but it does so fairly clumsily, much like a lot of things covered in this book. Alas.
  Not that she needs an excuse to be pro-SAVE project, but Tracy's youngest brother actually goes to the Nicholson school and she's desperate to keep it open because if it closes, her brother will have to go to a school in LA and not live at home anymore.

  With that set up, let's check in on the Patman boys, shall we?

   Bruce and Roger find themselves pitted against one another at nearly every turn. Bruce is chided for his wastefulness as well as his letting the help clean up his messes, while Roger commits the cardinal sin of not reading or caring about the business section as it's "a little dry." Probably not the thing to say to the head of your family's company, Roger. Anyway, Bruce decides he's going to make Tracy's day by... asking her out to a concert, one he doesn't even seem all that interested in, I might add, after he buys the tickets. Naturally, she shoots him down because this book is filled with that. Not thrilled, Bruce goes to the Country Club in an effort to see if he can sell his tickets. While there, he gets the brilliant idea of how he's going to make his fortune. He's going to gamble.
  Bruce's big idea to make some money is to play poker. Except when we first learn that Bruce plays poker, we also learn that he's down a hundred bucks from playing and y'know, losing. So... this means it's canon that Bruce thinks he's a better player than he actually is, right? Anyway, he ups the ante from $1 to $10 and it goes exactly as you'd expect. He loses his friggin' shirt. In a matter of a couple of hours, he's down $800, and only gets off that lucky because the guy doing all the winning (and hosting the game) kills the game, likely out of pity. Granted, Judd then goes around telling the entire country club just how badly Bruce played so maybe pity isn't the right word.
   Proving that dumb decisions run in the family, Roger is reminded that Lisa's father is an investment counselor, so she finagles Rog a meeting with him and Roger decides to buy 100 shares of Robotech stock simply because he overheard two employees and Mr. DePaul's office discussing it "excitedly." To be fair, Roger does read up on them a little in the paper but he also ignores Mr. DePaul who cautions him against putting all his eggs in one flimsy basket. For a moment, his gamble pays off. Overnight, he makes $500. But when Mr. DePaul suggests that based on what he's heard, maybe Roger should consider selling while he's ahead, Roger decides to roll the dice and see what Monday morning brings.
  Naturally it means Lisa's father was right and now Roger has lost $700, putting him and Bruce sort of even, though neither realizes it. Instead, both are convinced the other has pulled painfully far ahead in the competition because the only time these two talk to one another now is to snipe at one another.
  Which reminds me. If you're wondering where Bruce's parents are, Marie convinced Henry that his short business trip to Tokyo should really be turned into a month long vacation in the Far East. Y'know, because Grandfather Patman would be around to watch the boys.
  I really hope Miranda the maid got hazard pay for this month.

   Anyway, both Roger and Bruce wind up deciding that they'll recoup their losses at Harbor Days. Roger's idea is to paint canvas caps and Bruce is given the idea to make his own guide to dating. Let me just say this real quick: instead of the Slam Book they released (which I would still kill to own, sadly), they should've made Bruce Patman's Guide to Dating as an actual book. It sounds delightful. Bruce cons Tracy into helping him and she tells him that he's got a real way with words and comedy.
  I mean... in this book, yeah. But I will admit that wacky spoiled rich kids Lila and Bruce in SVU are also comedic gold so I'll allow this. I also like the idea that Bruce is talented at something but doesn't really know because he's never had to bother utilizing this skill before now and besides, his sea of flunkies telling him he's good at something won't mean as much as it does from the girl he's trying (and failing) to impress.
  But because Bruce is also a complete asshole, he breaks one of the rules and decides to fight dirty. He finds out ahead of time from Tracy what Roger's plan is and he swaps out Roger's water proof spray paint with water soluble paint and I just wonder why bother, Bruce. The cost of tanking Roger's booth can't really be worth it. Spray paint ain't cheap. Naturally, step two involves hiring a troublemaker to stage a water balloon fight in front of Roger's booth and make sure to hit someone wearing their brand new, now ruined, cap.
  Bruce. Honey. Baby. Your idea would've outsold Roger's anyway AND you were charging more than he was. Oi.
  Bruce gloats and Roger vows to get even. DUN DUN DUNNNNN.
  Only he doesn't, because Harbor Days: Day 2 brings two new schemes. Roger teams up with Jim Roberts, the photographer from Perfect Shot to sell prints of his photos (which works since most of his work is either kids from SVH or local celebrities) while Bruce is given the super secret family recipe for Tracy's grandmother's peach raspberry ice cream.
   Yes, at some point over the course of the book, Tracy ignores all the warnings, be they signs like the fact that Liz is never exactly thrilled to deal with Bruce or even talk about him, or Jessica explicitly warning her that Bruce is trouble and she deserves better, and agrees to date Bruce. When he stupidly boasts (and is lying while doing so) about wanting to donate all his profit from HD1, Tracy takes him home to meet her family, including Jeremy. And the little boy is clearly smitten. My heart can't take it, captain.
  Roger is given the perfect opportunity to sabotage Bruce's icecream but can't bring himself to do it and walks away. Bruce witnesses this but instead of respecting his cousin, he decides that if Roger is too much of a sissy to stand up for himself, why should he bother to keep watch on his stash. Bruce, you are an asshole and make it impossible to root for you. Bruce also decides that he needs to find out what Roger's new project is so he can mess it up. He manipulates Tracy into thinking it's her idea to ask Lisa what Roger is up to so that Bruce can "help him."
  Lisa warns Tracy that Roger swore her to secrecy and also points out that Bruce STILL hasn't handed over even 50% he was supposed to give from HD1. Tracy is ticked that anyone would dare doubt Bruce... and then snaps out of it when she remembers that Lisa is her best friend and it makes no sense that the richest boy in school has essentially stiffed a charity. Unless, of course, that boy is an asshole and up to no good. So she follows him and catches him considering ruining Roger's photo paper. She runs away before he actually does it, but the fact that he was considering ruining something for charity just to win a stupid contest (a contest that again, no one who hears about it initially thinks is a good idea) means he's not the man she thought he was.
   She calls Roger and warns him before hanging up on him, only to have Bruce call minutes later so she can answer, "don't ask me how I know, Roger!" to make Bruce wonder wtf is going on, especially when she won't talk to him. I think we're supposed to care that Bruce has borked his chances with Tracy, but I don't. They never fit as a couple and we don't get enough time with them to see it working despite that. There are hints, like Bruce enjoying Tracy calling him out on his entitled BS, but it's not enough to really care about their failed relationship. Jessica and Lisa were right when they said Tracy deserves better.
  Really, so does Bruce, as this is supposed to be his star moment and he just comes across as a jackass. I know I'm supposed to follow up on his failed relationship with Tracy with a comment about the truly important relationship in his life being his bond with Roger but... eh.
  Determined to prove himself not a complete waste of space, Bruce works overtime to sell all his icecream and make a tidy sum for the SAVE project. He and Roger make up when Bruce offers to buy one of Jim's photos and the day is saved!

   Only not because even at the end of HD2, the SAVE group hasn't hit their goal of 5k. I do wonder what the PTA is doing because if four high schoolers are supposed to be earning half the money and they put on two Saturdays of sales, what, exactly, is the PTA up to? We never find out because as everyone leaves the SAVE office, they find an envelope crammed with cash. Serious cash. Tracy and Lisa are nervous to accept it but Liz is like, it's fine, they left a note addressed to us, it's fine. Besides, it means we only need another thousand dollars!
  Which they get because someone else left a cash envelope for the PTA. Yay, the school is saved! Well, for another year anyway. I do like that this is mentioned explicitly as not a full win, but Tracy's family accepts it for what it is: another year with Jeremy at home.

   With the B plot mostly wrapped up, let's get back to the stupid contest. Marie and Henry are back in town and another party is thrown to welcome them back and also to announce the winner of the contest. For someone who wanted secrecy, it does seem a little weird to announce the contest now, Grandfather. I like to imagine that everyone at the party is horrified, which is kind of backed up by the hush that falls over the crowd as Alexander Patman explains his stupid contest. He then has the boys present their envelopes and neither is exactly forthcoming about it. Why? Because they're both empty!
  AP is PISSED. Ideally he wanted more money than they started off with (I assume) but he was definitely not expecting them to have spent it all. He demands an explanation and Bruce and Roger fill in the gaps. AP is horrified by the poker and the stock market but before he can flipout over both boys giving their entire earnings (and then some) to the SAVE program, Henry steps in and congratulates them on taking something bad (the contest) and using it for good. He's so inspired that he'll be stepping in to make sure the Nicholson school stays funded from now on. Everyone wins!
  Except Grandfather AP who just looks like an old fool. But with time and reflection he realizes that he fucked up and he's sorry and family's important and I'm sorry, I nodded off there for a moment.
   We end with GP proud of his grandsons and the boys rushing off to see who can swim laps the fastest. Oh those wacky rich kids.






Trivia:

• Before Bruce nabs him, Roger was going to have lunch with Ken and his new friend, Lisa.


• Lisa DePaul is a pretty, blond sophomore who keeps her curly hair cropped short. She has large eyes that light up when she laughs, and is described as bright, friendly, generous, and unselfconscious. She's in Roger's Spanish class.


• Alexander Patman is coming to town for his 70th birthday and will be spending 6 weeks with the Patmans.


• Is drop dead handsome a saying, because it's how Bruce is described.


• Roger is still smarting over his breakup with Olivia, which is listed as a reason why he and Lisa are definitely just friends.


• The Patman dining room table is long enough to seat 20, and Bruce thinks of the decor as costly and impressive, from the Persian carpets, candelabra, and draperies. Way to be vague, ghosty.


• Grandfather Patman says, "I see you still look the same" even though the last time he came to visit was 5 years ago.


• Bruce admits to himself that his mother isn't very fair to Roger.


• Alexander Patman likes breakfast by 7am, but only grapefruit and coffee, then he jogs for 2 miles, lifts weights, and then reads up on the stock market. His motto is "Get rich and work hard."


• He asks for a no fuss birthday, but Marie goes full speed ahead and invites all her friends to the party, hires a Latin American band (sure), and sends out engraved invitations.


• Bruce wants to buy a new, longer Windsurfer.


• Bruce lost $100 in a poker game and Roger is surprised.


• Bruce plays with guys from the Country Club at Judd Phipp's house.


• Judd is a tall, lanky guy who organized the Country Club poker games.


• Tracy Atkins is a senior with light green eyes that have amber flecks in them, black hair she recently cut short(er) and now looks like a model according to Bruce. They shared Mr. Jordan's geometry class back in sophomore year, which Bruce remembers more vividly than Tracy does. She and Lisa have been best friends since they went to camp one year and have been like sisters ever since, even though Tracy is two years older. Tracy is the oldest of six kids. Her youngest brother, Jeremy has a rare muscular disease that impaired his growth, which is why he attends the Nicholson school and she also has a 14 year old sister. She wants to be a designer and is quite skilled at sewing. She's also never had a boyfriend or been kissed before Bruce.


• Bruce's car guy is a mechanic named Jim down at Foreign Auto Body.


• The Nicholson School teaches special needs kids between the ages of 5 and 12, but it needs ten thousand dollars or this will be its final year open.


• Amy's part in the Regina/Bruce breakup is mentioned and it's implied that Amy feels very bad about it but we never see this.


• Amy is still very much in the catty stage when Bruce's new love interest is brought up while Jessica has progressed to not caring beyond it being gossip.


• Liz is shocked when her classmates vote her to be their SAVE representative.


• Representatives for the Freshman, Sophomore, and Senior classes are Dirk Pierce, Lisa DePaul, and Tracy Atkins.


• The Patman Corporation has been doing more business lately with Mitsu, a Japanese company.


• Marie convinces Henry to turn his short business trip to Japan into a month long visit to the Far East.


• Did you know the Patman mansion has a view of the ocean?


• Tracy wears an off-white, one shoulder dress to AP's birthday party.


• Bruce invites Tracy to an exclusive LA club but she turns him down flat as it's not her scene.


• Grandfather insists that the ventures Bruce and Roger pick be legal and that they not fight dirty. Whoops.


• While thinking of Tracy, Bruce hits a Camaro and while the Camaro is fine, his front fender is badly dented and it costs him $450 to fix.


• Bruce pays $100 for two tickets to the Starfest reunion concert. They're a band that were apparently popular ten years ago.


• Roger wanted to talk to Bruce about not competing but then we'd be without a book.


• Roger, Lisa, and some friends are going to the Beach Disco but Roger tells Bruce he's driving so that Bruce can't borrow his car and use all his gas.


• Lisa's father is a senior partner/investment counselor.


• Henry Patman is Roger's legal guardian.


• Because Mr. DePaul knows Henry Patman, he agrees to buy Roger's stocks for him.


• Tracy admits she doesn't trust Bruce.


• 4 guys show up for the high stakes poker game and Bruce doesn't know 'em as they all go to Judd's high school in the next town over. We have Marshall, Rod, Arthur Marks, and Tony Dent playing with Judd and Bruce. You have to arrive by 8pm or there's no getting in. The first game they play is 5 card stud and Bruce's hand is two jacks, a ten, four, and a two. Alas, Judd has three eights.


• Arthur, Tony, and Rod drop out of the first hand first, then Marshall bows out while Judd beats Bruce.


• By 10:30, Bruce is down $700 and he loses one last hand of 5 card draw, bringing his losses to $800.


• There's a pay phone across from the principal's office.


• Jessica makes a suggestion box for the SAVE office, which happens to be next door to the Oracle office.


• Liz and Jessica are in the same homeroom.


• Bruce is described as having brown eyes despite having blue eyes since forever.


• Bruce's initial Harbor Days idea is to sell copies of his little black book.


• Tracy's put off by the idea (though Bruce can't figure out why) but does manage to spin it into the final idea of "The Bruce Patman Guide to Dating." Ultimately she also convinces him to have the finish product be laser printed and spiral bound.


• Grandfather Patman never played around with stocks as he was worried about the risks.


• Judd tells just about everyone at the club about Bruce's loss at poker to the degree that even Roger hears about it there.


• Roger bought his 100 shares of Robotech for $10 but sells them at $8, which means he's down $700. Whoops.


• Bruce likes that Tracy doesn't let him get away with much.


• For their first date, Bruce takes Tracy to his favorite Italian restaurant.


• Roger's first Harbor Days plan is to sell canvas caps/hats with visors and spray paint whatever designs people want on them. Who knew Roger was artsy?


• Harbor Days officially starts at 10am.


• Jessica joins Liz in setting up the Information Booth near the entrance to the harbor. Booths are on all four boundaries of the park and there are games to play as well.


• Liz gets a bit testy when Jessica warns Tracy about Bruce even though she's been cool enough towards Tracy that T noticed that Liz doesn't seem to really like him.


• Brian Webster is a mischievous ten year old boy with a mean smile and lots of freckles. Bruce knows him from the country club.


• Winston buys the first copy of Bruce's book.


• Amy and Cara have a water balloon booth where you can throw balloons at Steven Wakefield. (I'm going to pretend Jess spent a fair amount of time dunking her brother for funsies.)


• Ronnie Edwards bought a red, white, and blue design for his cap and it's ruined by Bruce's paint switch and Brian's water balloon.


• Bruce boasts to Tracy about donating all his profits to the SAVE project which prompts Tracy to tell Bruce about her little brother Jeremy.


• Sunday dinner is the least formal at the Patman's. Alexander, Bruce, and Roger are simply having soup and salad.


• Roger's second project for Harbor Days is to work with Jim Roberts and sell prints of Jim's photographs. Jim and Roger split the profits from each print, priced at $6.


• Harbor Days #1 raised $1,500


• Tracy thinks Bruce is using her to spy on Roger.


• I'm cackling that the photography place is called Corner Camera.


• When Bruce arrives to HD's second Saturday, Liz is the only SAVE rep there.


• Mr. Peterson is the chairman of the SAVE committee.


• I find it difficult to believe the Patmans, particularly Marie, brought Miranda (the maid) a gift back from their travels.


• Uh, ghosty? Bruce's father's name is Henry or Hank, not George. You even got this right earlier in the book.


• Never apologize, never explain is Bruce's motto. That explains so very much.

Quotes:
He was the dream of most of the girls in town. The ones who didn't think he was perfect were the ones who had had run-ins with his king-size ego. - Because there are no lesbians in SV. p4

"I can't help it," Bruce said. "I get anxious about my appearance when I'm nervous."
Roger had to hide a smile at that. And all other times, too he thought. - pg12

For just a minute, he was reminded that there was nothing better in the whole world than being Bruce Patman. - Such modesty, Bruce. p13

I probably brightened up her whole Saturday just by dropping by, Bruce thought proudly. - Oh my. p77

This is exactly the way the rich get richer, he thought. They relaxed, had fun, and did what came naturally to them. - I mean, he's probably not wrong. p78



The Bruce Patman Guide To Dating
Chapter 1: How to Let the Girl of Your Dreams Know You're Alive
Chapter 2: The Phone Call
Chapter 3: What to Drive, What to Wear, and What Not to Say: A Beginner's Guide to the First Date
Chapter 6: Keep Your Date Surprised

What do you say to a girl you've just met who you want to go out with?
A) You're gorgeous
B) I drive a Porsche, want a ride?
C) You're in for the best time of your life now that you've met me.
D) All of the above

Staying friends with a girl you used to date is definitely cool.








   This is one of those books that I don't hate when I'm reading it, but as soon as I put it down and think about I dunno, any of it, my enjoyment of the book plummets. Part of this is probably because Bruce is one of those characters that requires a deft hand to make likable and to get just right. He's stuck on himself but not to the oblivious degree he seems to be for most of this book. He's a jerk, but he's also charming when he wants to be, and he always wants to be when he's first moving in on a girl. There's a reason even the girls who know better wind up falling for him and it can't just be how good looking he is. The Valley isn't hurting for cute guys, y'know? So you've got to have the right handle on Bruce's personality or it all goes to shit. We don't want date-rapey Bruce and if we're gonna spend the whole book with him, we also don't want callous jerk Bruce. Ideally this book would've given us a peek into what makes him tick but uh, if this is what makes Bruce tick, I'm good not knowing.

  I guess it's because there's a set-up for some depth but almost all of Bruce's stuff is ultimately played for laughs and it feels like a wasted opportunity, especially with the Super Star books supposedly being a closer look at characters we don't tend to get to know quite as well as the twins.

  I like that unlike a lot of SVH books, Bruce doesn't wind up with Tracy after trying to make amends because she can't get over what he's done or even thought about doing. His actions have consequences and while he gets over it pretty quickly, I do like that it's not all hand waved away.
   I also like the glimpses of Jessica we get here. Many a joke is made about her flightiness, but she's right there helping Liz and not obviously dragged there against her will. I repeat: Jessica Wakefield is up before noon on a weekend and she's doing work for her community. This is a big deal and one isn't made about it and that's actually kinda refreshing. I also like her not being emotionally caught up in anything about Bruce at this point. She comments on his love life but unlike Amy, it doesn't seem to bother her at all. She's not even snarky when she warns Tracy away from him: she just genuinely believes Tracy is better than Bruce and doesn't want to see her waste her time on him. Liz dances around her feelings about Bruce but Jessica just puts it all out there without drama.
  Another thing I enjoyed was how quickly Tracy got over her irritation at Lisa for thinking the worst of Bruce. She initially leaps to Bruce's defense but then she remembers that Lisa is her best friend and wouldn't say these things to hurt her. We're spared the best friends being torn apart by the Patman cousins and instead Tracy takes a closer look at Bruce's actions.
   Finally, I do like that what gets Bruce to turn against Roger is jealousy. Jealous isn't one of the words that comes to mind when I think of Bruce, but it works. He's jealous that his grandfather clearly shows no real interest in him but is ready to lavish attention, some of it even the good kind, on Roger. He's also willing to just hand over Bruce's future to Roger without a second thought or any real discussion. Just oh, you managed to do better at this one thing? Welp, guess you're the future of the company and also my favorite. And Roger's insecurities are all tripped again, leading him to actually fight back even though he had no intention of participating in the contest initially.

  So while I don't think Bruce's Story does a great job of doing Bruce any favors, it does have moments for others... and I really wish we'd gotten a real version of Bruce's Guide to Dating. :P

Hey, who wants a review from back when this first came out? Entertainment Weekly's got you covered.

The Love Bet
September 1990


Look who's scheming now!

Do opposites attract?


   Dana Larson is fed up with love! She tells Elizabeth Wakefield and Todd Wilkins that she prefers singing with her band, The Droids, to wasting her time on dates.
  Aaron Dallas is fed up, too. He insists that soccer is more important to him than girls.
   But Elizabeth has a plan to make Dana and Aaron fall in love- with each other! Todd reluctantly agrees to help, but he bets Elizabeth that she won't succeed. After all, Dana is a rock singer and Aaron is a jock. Everything Dana likes, Aaron hates-and vice versa! Elizabeth thinks she's creating the match of the decade, but Todd thinks she's headed for a matchmaking disaster!


   The Love Bet is one of those books I would classify as a classic kind of SVH story. The stakes aren't terribly high, as we don't have actual stardom on the line, there are no supernatural creatures lurking in the shadows, and the Wakefield twins are scheming. I'm not sure I'd consider the book itself a classic, but the kind of story it tells definitely is.

  After an informal party at Patty Gilbert's where both Dana Larson and Aaron Dallas declare just how much love stinks, Todd accidentally gives Elizabeth the idea to hook them up, even if it's just to keep them from going on (and on and on) about how much they're not interested in love. Liz thinks it's perfect but Todd isn't entirely sold on it, though he agrees to help with one condition: if Operation Pair-Up fails, Liz grants him three wishes and if it succeeds, he'll grant Liz three wishes.
   Liz wastes no time in setting up Phase One. She enlists Penny, Enid, and Olivia to help her get this match up and running. Olivia's a little skeptical due to just how different Aaron and Dana seem to be. He's sporty, she's punk rock, he's got a temper and a half (wait, we're supposed to forget that, right?) passionate and she's pretty laid back (if you say so)... It's funny that Liz is willing to call the whole thing off if Olivia of all people thinks it's just too out there. Is it because Liv is known for being out there and a little kooky or is it because Liz respects her opinion more than say, Todd's? Discuss amongst yourselves.
  Anyway, Liv agrees to help since it's not the worst idea ever, and Phase One kicks off with Penny wanting Dana to stop by The Oracle and make sure the lyrics to her song from Patty's party are accurate. The song was such a hit that Penny wants to put them in the next issue of the paper, you see. When Dana stops by, Liz just happens to be telling the others about how Aaron just could not stop asking questions about Dana after the party. She shuts up as soon as she 'sees' Dana and Dana is too polite to just flat out ask wtf is going on. Truthfully, I could see Dana just asking Liz what's up rather than being too polite not to, but to be fair, Dana's characterization has always been on the thin side, so I'll let it slide.
   The other part of Phase One is being carried out by Todd, Winston, and Neil Freemount in the boy's locker room before gym. Todd mentions, very loudly, that they'll never believe who Dana has a crush on, and then changes the subject as soon as Aaron turns the corner. Todd's sure Aaron will bust them because everything sounds so corny and fake but the ego boost of having Dana interested in him is enough to dull Aaron's senses.

   The next day, Liz sees Aaron and Dana blush at one another by the pay phones (I feel so old all of a sudden!) and is sure Phase One is a success! Enid confirms this by saying if they weren't at least a little interested, they wouldn't blush, they'd yawn. Phase Two involves Todd asking Aaron to go to the movies with him and Liz while Liz invites Dana. Both let their friend know the other will be bringing a friend. My favorite throwaway bit is that Aaron is so used to Enid being the friend in question that he hollers at Todd when he misses the turn for Enid's street. Aww. Sadly, it is almost immediately followed by the date where Dana and Aaron, who barely know each other at this point, share a soda at the movie theater. I've never been one of those people who readily shares a drink with someone, especially someone I don't know. Ick.
  Anyway, Dana and Aaron both really like the movie and proving he's more than a pretty face, Aaron's able to carry on a decent post-movie review with Dana about it. The two seem to really be hitting it off before Aaron compliments Dana on her "love sucks" song and suddenly the two are back to awkward silences.
  Wtf are you doing, Dallas? You seem interested in the girl and there's absolutely no reason to bring up your mutual "love sucks" policy right then. My only consolation is that he's just as baffled at his behavior as everyone else is. Woo.


   Now's as good a time as any to shift gears and discuss our B plot in which there's a Battle of the Bands happening at SVH in a few weeks. Hosted by a local radio station, three bands have challenged The Droids to the aforementioned BotB, with the winner going to LA for the weekend and being an opening act at a "hip music club."
  Ticked that Liz is trying to hook Dana up with her backup date Aaron, Jessica chooses not to sabotage Operation Pair-Up and instead decides to help one of the other bands beat The Droids so she can tag along to LA and meet some really hot rock guys. She tries to convince Amy and Lila that being roadies is the best way to do this, but for once, I gotta agree with Amy who says it's not worth the time and effort. Amy knows it's going to be actual work and wants no part of it. Lila's inclined to agree with us but Jessica points out that maybe they'll meet Jaime Peters, or some other equally hot musician and Lila reluctantly agrees.
   Jess immediately seeks out Andy Jenkins, whose new band Baja Beat sounds like it'll be the band most likely to beat the Droids. Andy's good on help but suggests she talk to Spy Lazarus of Spontaneous Combustion. Take a moment to fully let those names sink in. Jessica debates dropping her plan but then we'd be lacking a B plot, so she calls Spy and the following day, she and Lila brave Wentworth Avenue in the bad part of town. To the surprise of absolutely NO ONE, Spy is neither hot nor is he charming, and the rest of the band is equally disappointing.
  Part of what keeps this book from being an absolute classic is that there's no way I'd buy Jessica and Lila doing this for more than one afternoon for a non-hot band that simply wasn't any good. All it would take is one band member being decently attractive OR the band being good, even if it wasn't their kind of music. But Jessica's few mentions of the music itself aren't encouraging and none of the guys are anywhere near likable so why would Jessica think they had a chance in hell of beating The Droids? She wouldn't and this plot line fizzles because there's no incentive for her to keep playing roadie. It's not like Liz knows and will tease her for being a flake. Amy's not into the plan enough to ever been seen or mentioned again and Lila's not about to mock the idea of bowing out if it means she doesn't have to hang around a buncha guys she's not interested in while also expected to do manual labor. The only reason this plot line continues is we need Jessica to botch the setup of their instruments so that The Droids will win the Battle of the Bands later.


   Back to Dana and Aaron. Liz and Todd invite them to an outdoor jazz concert and while Aaron knows nothing about jazz, he does get to ask Dana what she likes about jazz and the two start bonding again. He mentions it sounds a bit similar to soccer and Dana listens as he explains and then the ghosty tries to convince us that Dana doesn't go to soccer or football games, ever. Soccer, I'll totally buy as true but I'd bet money we've seen Dana at a football game in the series thus far. Anyway, Aaron and Dana continue flirting and she promises to come to the next home soccer match while he promises to go to the Battle of the Bands to cheer her on. She clarifies -AS FRIENDS and things get awkward again. Oi.

  Still, at the game, Dana gets caught up in the frenzy and they make eyes at one another in time for Aaron to help lead the team to victory. After the game, at the DB, Aaron and Dana continue to make eyes at one another and Liz is pretty sure that soon they won't need any help in the love department. Still, she and Todd invite Dana and Aaron to a play at the Civic Center and then...
  Todd goes rogue and slips a card from Aaron into Dana's locker. Dana's initial impulse is to laugh at the cheesiness of it until she reads the card and decides she wants to go declare her love, or at least serious interest, to Aaron. Liz reads the card and immediately identifies Todd's handwriting and tries to get Dana to pump the brakes. Dana eventually agrees and things seem to be going well until Liz and Todd have to drop out of the double date when Mr. Collins has the stupidest emergency run to LA ever, leaving Liz to babysit his son, Teddy.
   Dana and Aaron have such a good time at the play that they prolong the night by stopping at the Box Tree Cafe for dessert... where Dana confesses how she feels and mentions the card. Which Aaron knows nothing about. When she shows him the card, he also immediately IDs Todd's handwriting. Dana puts two and two together and comes up with five. She concludes, to herself, that Liz and Todd were meddling but instead of assuming Aaron feels the same way, she's sure she's the only one looking like a jackass. Y'know, since she just started to open her heart and admit her feelings based on a card he didn't even send. Humiliated, Dana runs out on Aaron and takes a cab home where she promptly calls Liz and chews her out for meddling.
  Liz is shocked that someone was able to piece together her oh so clever plot (not really, but she is a bit taken aback by the verbal attack) and then realizes Dana must've mentioned the card to Aaron. So she yells at Todd who yells back at her that the whole thing was stupid and she gets it into her head he was sabotaging the whole thing so he'd win the bet.
   Oi with the poodles already, guys.


   So Dana's not talking to Aaron, Liz, or Todd. Todd's not talking to Liz. And Liz is desperately trying to patch things up with Dana who ignores her and then shoots her down when Liz does manage to catch up to her.
  I'm a bit confused as to why Liz things Todd should apologize to her when she attacked him first and also why Aaron doesn't confront Todd, especially since he freakin' identified Todd's handwriting on the card. But it takes a week for Todd to explain to Aaron, who has no idea why the girl he liked is suddenly not talking to him, what he and Liz were up to and why Dana's flipped her lid. As soon as Aaron finds out, he goes to make things right with Dana. Naturally this all happens at the Battle of the Bands.
  Dana and Aaron make up and then kiss and all is right with the world... almost. Dana and Aaron agree they have two more things to do before everything is settled. One, The Droids need to win the contest and two, they need to get Todd and Liz back together.

   B plot wrap-up time! Jessica is still working as the band's roadie even though Wheels has asked her out, they all keep calling her chick despite her mentioning how she doesn't like it, and then he pinches her ass during set-up... in front of the whole school. Really? You expect me to believe Jessica Fucking Wakefield wouldn't immediately kick his ass or at least intentionally set the amps to blow up? Really?
  More than that, you expect me to believe that Lila would go to the trouble of faking a sprained wrist to get out of having to set up for the Battle? Pfft. Lila just wouldn't show up til after the set up was complete, wave to Jess and smirk from the stands. Seriously.
  But no, Lila fakes a sprained wrist, leaving Jessica to set up by herself. Naturally Jessica messes up because she's ticked at Lila and also doesn't really care as she hurriedly plugs things in the wrong way. The amps blow out and while the crowd appreciates the fireworks, The Droids win by a landslide.
  If you're shocked by this, you must be new to Earth. Welcome to the hellscape.

   At school on Monday, Liz and Todd both find cards in their lockers instructing them to meet up after school under the clock. Each assumes the other has made the first move but when they realize neither sent the cards, Dana and Aaron drive by, waving and honking.
  Liz has won the bet and she wastes her wishes by asking for them to never have such a silly argument again (that won't last), for them to be as happy as they are right now always (ha), and for the biggest, best kiss NOW. So I guess maybe she got one out of three. Probably should've held out for the dozen roses, having him do her chores, and carry her books for a week.
  We end on the set-up for the next book with Charlie Cashman bullying Andy Jenkins for no obvious reason other than Charlie's an asshole. Probably a racist asshole.



Trivia:

• Andy Jenkins formed a new band at SVH called Baja Beat.


• Andy is dating Patty Gilbert's cousin, Tracy, and both of them are juniors at SVH. Also, Andy is black, which is gonna be a thing in the next book, I'm sure.


• Patty throws an "informal" party to celebrate her boyfriend Jim coming back for the weekend. She's also described as one of the most popular students at SVH.


• Jessica is not thrilled that Brent and Dana broke up, as she doesn't like it when her plans don't work out. I assume Brent is supposed to be Brett from Who's Who and he ended up with Suzanne Hanlon anyway.


• Dana claims there are other bands at SVH besides The Droids and that there's always room for more but seriously, can you name another one off the top of your head? No? Me neither and I know at least one's been mentioned and I keep a stupid amount of SVH trivia in my head. Point is, bands are welcome to try and topple The Droids but it ain't gonna happen.


• Dana's got brown eyes in case you wondered.


• Heather Sanford, Aaron's girlfriend, moved away recently and apparently they did not attempt the long distance relationship. Aaron hasn't been the same since she left.


• Patty's party ends at midnight, but Liz's curfew isn't til around 12:30, so she and Todd go to Miller's Point to makeout.


• Todd agrees to help get Dana and Aaron together, but if they fail, Todd gets three wishes from Liz and if they succeed, Liz gets three wishes granted by Todd.


• Todd jokes that one of his wishes will be Liz washing and waxing his car.


• Operation Pair-Up is what Liz keeps calling the love bet.


• Penny took the time to write down Dana's lyrics to her song, "Fed Up With Love" from Patty's party. Impressed because she did this on the spur of the moment and it had to be longhand because, y'know, a time before cellphones.


• Liz enlists Penny, Enid, and Olivia to help her with her side of Operation Pair-Up.


• Todd enlists Winston and Neil Freemount with his side of the bet.


• Phase One involves Liz saying Aaron asked a million questions about Dana, while Todd lets Aaron overhear that Dana's got a new crush on someone but does not say who it is.


• Phase Two has Todd and Liz invite Aaron and Dana to The Plaza Theatre to see Adam's Rib.


• The boys have been playing hockey in gym lately.


• Jessica overhears the Operation Pair-Up planning and is bewildered. She wonders why not bother trying to fix up Winston and Lila if you're going for weirdest couple. She's not thrilled that Liz is actively trying to pair up one of her backup dates with someone other than Jessica herself.


• According a lime green poster, a local radio station is hosting a Battle of the Bands in three weeks at the SVH gym. Baja Beat, Spontaneous Combustion, and the Suede Men challenge The Droids. Winner gets an all expenses weekend to L.A. to be opening act at a "hip music club."


• Jessica suggests being roadies for one of the BotB bands but Lila and Amy point out it's going to be an awful lot of work. Amy bows out entirely but Lila is convinced when Jessica points out that Lila's fond of long haired rocker types and maybe they'll meet Jaime Peters in L.A. when their band wins.


• The Plaza Theatre is a beautiful art deco theater built in the 1920's that's been renovated and shows old classics.


• Dana loves old movies and especially loves Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy.


• Liz tells Dana that she's got a real gift, musically, and Dana mentally agrees. I like that Dana knows she's good at her music and doesn't try and play it off.


• The Droids are writing all new music for the Battle, so they'll seem as new as all the other bands.


• Alas, all of Dana's new songs are bitter, sad, and/or sarcastic and not the type to win the Battle. Guess it's a good thing Lynne also writes songs for the band, huh? No, we're just going to mention that like once and then never again in this book? We're going to pretend the whole of the band's songwriting rises and falls on Dana? Okay.


• Fed Up With Love is a hit with SVH, but not the kind of song Dana wants to be known for. Kiddo, that's how all one hit wonders work. Be careful.


• Dana considers sports types to be pretty uncultured and all but calls Aaron nothing but a pretty face. Which is totally not fair as he's also been known to have an anger management problem.


• On their movie date, Aaron assumes Liz's friend will be Enid and fusses at Todd when he misses the turn for her street. Olivia is his second guess, btw.


• Aaron and Dana share a popcorn and a soda at the movie. Ick.


• After bonding over the movie, Aaron tells Dana that she's right and that falling in love is a waste of time.


• Charlie Cashman is a tall, stocky bully who is obviously being set up for the next book. Jessica wonders if anyone at all at SVH likes him.


• Spy Lazarus of Spontaneous Combustion is a senior at SVH. He spends most of his time hanging out with guys from other schools or those who aren't in school anymore. He's tall and scrawny, with very pale skin and long, dark greasy hair. He also smokes and lives at 256 Wentworth Avenue, which is in the bad part of town.


• Spy is so out of touch with the SVH social circle that he doesn't recognize either Lila or Jessica.


• Claire Middleton shows up as a new student who happens to be in Dana and Liz's history class. Liz tries to welcome her to Sweet Valley at the Dairi Burger, but Claire runs off, prompting Enid and Dana to assume she's shy. Later we learn she also runs out of history class at warp speed. She's mentioned to have long, straight dark hair.


• Liz tells Dana that Aaron kept asking about her after the movie date.


• Todd and Aaron study trigonometry at Todd's house and Todd says Dana called Liz after the movie, gushing about how much she liked Aaron. Aaron calls BS because if this is true, why does Dana keep acting like she's not interested? Todd eventually comes up with Dana wanting to save face after carrying on about being done with love, and besides, Aaron did bring up that song and killed the mood.


• Phase Three involves an outdoor jazz concert at the park.


• Dana invites DeeDee, Olivia, and Elizabeth over to her house (along with her cousin Sally) to figure out costumes for the band to wear at the competition.


• There's a decent amount of build up for what turns out to be Dana saying that the music they've been doing lately is "funky and down to earth" so why not go with a jungle motif, like leopard and tiger print shirts. It took multiple people for Dana to throw that idea out there? No one offers any other ideas before or after, beyond Liv suggesting a curtain of long, green vines if they're allowed a backdrop.


• When Aaron asks what she likes about jazz, Dana says the emotion and individuality, pointing out that even if a band is playing "golden oldies", they can infuse enough of their own personality and style into the solos to make the songs their own.


• Dana wisely chooses not to immediately confess that she's never been to a soccer or football game, though later she will admit that she's definitely never attended one of the soccer games.


• The soccer team is undefeated this year and Aaron rarely loses a face-off. The next home match is the Tuesday afternoon following the concert and SVH is playing Big Mesa. They win 6-2, with Aaron scoring half the goals. Jeffrey is never mentioned at all.


• Dana likes the look of Aaron in shorts. As someone who grew up in a fairly warm climate, I am confused by the idea that she'd never seen him in shorts before.


• Dana buys a pom-pom to wave at the soccer game.


• There's a new play at the Civic Center and Liz invites Aaron and Dana to double date with her and Todd.


• Lila likes long hair on rock guys, btw. I... don't know how I feel about that.


• Spontaneous Combustion is made up of Hal, Wheels, Pete, Spy, and Motorhead, but you can call him Motor. Wheels is on drums, Pete sings, and Motor also works on cars in his spare time. They're all pasty, lanky dudes with long, greasy hair who smoke way too much.


• By the time Jessica and Lila wind up as roadies, we're ten days away from The Battle of the Bands.


• Max's voice is deeper and rougher than Dan's, in case you needed to know.


• Liz ran to the Civic Center on her lunch break to pick up tickets to the play. Later we learn said play is about a girl named Abby who is probably, definitely, in love with her best friend Louis. Riveting, no?


• Todd sends a cheesy romantic card to Dana, from Aaron, but leaves it unsigned. Todd's handwriting is unique enough that Aaron and Liz both ID it immediately.


• At the jazz concert, btw, Dana notices that Aaron looks like he's on a date with Todd because he's sitting closer to Todd than even Elizabeth is. I had SVC flashbacks and they hurt.


• Mr. Collins has to go to L.A. because his father is sick, and leaves Teddy with Liz and Todd. He shows up later that night, saying his father is fine, just a bad case of the flu. Uh, Roger? You know what the flu can do to someone, right? So here's hoping his mother or someone else is around because otherwise, Roger is a shitty son.


• At the Box Tree Cafe after the play, Dana shows the card to Aaron and when he mentions it's Todd's writing, Dana concludes that Todd and Liz were toying with her and that while she fell in love with Aaron, he couldn't feel the same way. She runs off and catches a cab home, before calling the Wakefield house and yelling at Liz.


• Liz yells at Todd after being bitched out by Dana, and later Jessica comes home and blames her bad night on Liz, refusing to speak to her til Sunday morning.


• We get a Wakefield Sunday brunch mention, where Ned is making Belgian waffles and eggs anyway you want 'em. Alice is halving oranges and they all eat on the patio.


• The only class Liz and Dana share is History.


• Liz sees Todd in the hallway and thinks that if he can make the first move, she's ready to make-up. Um, Liz? You yelled at him first. You also accused him of sabotaging your bet just so he would win. You get to make the first move, love.


• Wheels asks Jessica to be his chick.


• Dana is confident that since she and the rest of The Droids have different social circles, they haven't heard about her humiliation with Aaron. Anyone else never really picture the band not hanging out together at school? Like, sure, I buy that Dana's more A list than the others, and that they all have other friends, but not hanging out at all? Does not compute.


• The line-up at the Battle of the Bands is: the Suede Men, Baja Beat, The Droids, and Spontaneous Combustion.


• Todd waits a week to admit to Aaron what he and Liz did.


• Jessica's redecorated her locker with pictures of Jaime Peters.


• Liz points out that they airbrush those photos, so he's probably got wrinkles and his hair's a wig. Jess wants to hear no part of this.


• Liz's three wishes for winning the bet are not a dozen roses, Todd doing her chores, and carrying her books for a week.


• Instead, she wants to never have a pointless argument like that again, always be together and as happy as they are right now, and the biggest, best kiss NOW.


• Todd agrees to all, and then says one Todd Wilkins Deluxe Smooch coming up. I cringed hardcore then and I still do now.

Quote Me:
"I think you're wrong!" Elizabeth protested, and at the exact same time Jessica declared, "I know exactly what you mean!" - ladies and gents, our entry to the identical opposites portion of the book. pg 4

"Jaime Peters!" Amy exclaimed. "Forget it! He's totally over the hill. He's practically old enough to be your father."
"He is not," Jessica denied hotly.
"He's a man," Lila breathed, her eyes dreamy.

She stole a glance at him. It almost looked as if he were there as Todd's date. He was sitting closer to Todd than Elizabeth was! - Aaron, you can be friends and still sit next to a girl. p60

"I tell you what. I'll be an incredibly generous, unselfish friend and give you first dibs on him!"
"Thanks," Lila said loftily, "but if he has eyes, I won't need your help." - Jessica and I both love Lila's modesty. p83

"Well, don't blame me. I didn't force you to be a roadie." - Jess, honey, you kinda did. p107

Never again would she interfere in someone else's affairs, even if it was with the best of intentions. - brb, laughing forever at the thought of Liz actually keeping true to this. p119/120

"I still think falling in love is stupid," Dana remarked, a mischievous sparkle in her eyes. "But who says you have to be smart all the time?" p137



Fashion Club:
She was wearing a velvet miniskirt with a cropped jacket, black tights, and lace-up ankle boots, and she looked fantastic. - Dana's outfit while waiting on the pay phones, p18/19

She was wearing tight, shiny knee-length black bicycle shorts, and a big pink-and-black checked T-shirt. - Dana's outfit for the movies. p36/37

Jessica had worn a black mini and a cute cropped black top. - Jess is also wearing stockings but they already have a run in them because being a roadie is hard on cute clothes. p130

Music and lyrics by Dana Larson:
I'm fed up with love, don't know what I was thinking of, letting romance fog my mind and waste my precious time.




   I like The Love Bet, but it's mostly because I like seeing Dana and Aaron fall in love (or like) inspite of themselves. We don't really see a ton of Todd and Liz scheming, though what we do see is cute, and the less said about the stupidity of Jessica's drawn-out scheme, the better. But it's a fun read that probably deserves a better cover. Why does Todd always look so old? I guess it could be worse- he could look as old as Bill and Ken usually do.
  But also, it's weird that Todd and Aaron are presented as such close friends, right? Because Aaron and Jeffrey were best friends and yet the sheer number of Aaron prefers Todd to Dana jokes I could make throughout this book is staggering, so the two are meant to be close. Which SVT will back up, I guess, but SVH has always presented Winston or Ken as Todd's best guy friend.

Did we know that the graphic novel had a cover and a new release date now? Did someone forget to include me in that memo?

via Amazon:
   When Jessica falls in love with her Shakespeare teacher, she begins to act like her studious twin sister Elizabeth to impress him. Now it's up to Elizabeth to make sure that all's well that end well - but with Jessica playing her role, will anyone be able to tell which twin is which?
  The treasured series that has entertained generations and sold over 60 million books returns! Fans of the over 600 classic novels and spinoffs and the TV show will adore this charming graphic novel from rising star writer Katy Rex (Charmed Magic School, Jade Street Protection Services) and artist Devaki Neogi (The Skeptics, Curb Stomp). Sweet Valley High is also in development as a major motion picture.
Release dates: Kindle version is set to drop 6/26/19 and paperback will be out in time for my birthday, 7/9/19.


Now, I'll believe the movie is actually happening only when I've actually managed to secure tickets and watched the blasted thing but the fact that there's a cover this time has me cautiously optimistic about the graphic novel being a reality. Now how I'll feel about that reality is an entirely different thing entirely because I've gotta be honest. I was never big on the hot for teacher storyline even when I was younger and now that I'm officially old it does even less for me. But it's also a pretty Jessica kind of thing so... meh? It's kind of a wash for me beyond the lure of new SV.

Trouble At Home
May 1990

Is the Wakefield family coming apart?

Family problems...

   There's trouble in the usually happy Wakefield household, and Jessica, Elizabeth, and their brother, Steven, are caught in the middle.
  Mrs. Wakefield is so busy at work that she's hardly ever home. When she is home, all she and Mr. Wakefield seem to do is fight. Tensions increase when Mr. Wakefield decides to run for mayor of Sweet Valley and Mrs. Wakefield doesn't like the people backing him. They have a huge argument that just might end their marriage. Elizabeth, Jessica, and Steven can't do anything to help. Could this be the end of the perfect Wakefield family?


  Huh. That is not really what happens in this book at all. Spoilers for the next book(s), book blurb people! Onward.

   I... Uh... look. If you could see my notebook where I scribble (and lord, do I mean scribble) my notes for these books, you would see "WTF!!" repeated over and over, usually with an explanation as to why I'm WTF-ing that time. Not always. I threw this book down numerous times because while I am good at suspension of disbelief, there are lines, people. LINES. And this book sets those lines ablaze at every turn.
  Also, nothing is resolved by the end of the book. Nothing.

  Sigh. Let us begin.

   Trouble At Home is probably SVH's attempt to show that no family is perfect and that even the families we think are perfect still have their own struggles. In the Wakefield's case, it's that Ned and Alice have been body snatched by their teen counterparts and no one noticed or something because I don't even know how to begin to explain the levels of WTF going on here.
  But I guess I'll try. Alice Wakefield's design firm is in the running to design the new wing of the mall. Jessica's super excited because surely they'll name it the Alice Wakefield wing and she'll get discounts at all the new stores and totally, that will happen, Jessica. I live in a place with like, one and a half malls and for the longest time one of them was known as the mall to get shot at so we pretended it didn't exist so while I did my time as a mallrat, it was at a very, very simple/basic mall that stunts my ability to fathom malls having wings, really. Soooooo... I dunno. It's a big deal because over the course of the book, Alice is put in charge of the design team and if things are a success, she'll be the star of the show. If things fail, she's going to lose her head at work.
  I can never keep up with how Alice's design firm works. Sometimes I think she's a minion (though usually I think that's more in the Kids/Twins books) and sometimes I think it's her show, dammit (usually SVH). Anyway, Alice is very upfront about how this is a Big Deal for her career and that it's going to mean she's not going to be home as much. I feel like this should be mentioned considering how big a part it'll play in the WTF later.

   Ned Wakefield is thrilled that his friend Peter Santelli is running for mayor. Hell, the whole Wakefield clan is thrilled and all five of them turn out to support him at the start of the book at a fund raiser. The next morning, the paper's headlines scream Mayor Candidate Accepts Bribes! and shit goes sideways.
  Peter begs Ned to take the case despite the fact that Ned hasn't tried a criminal case in 15 years, a fact that I am sure will be retconned before long and is probably a retcon anyway. Ned initially tries to find a way to get Peter to find legal counsel more up to the task (y'know, a lawyer who specializes in this) but the kids are so excited for Ned and Alice is so against it (because, like you already said, Ned, it's not your area!) that he decides he's going to do it, gosh dangit!
  And this is where the book hits all the WTF buttons at the same time and my brain exploded just trying to keep up with them all.
  Ned officially takes the case Wednesday night, in that he goes over to the Santelli home to discuss taking the case. Thursday morning, he's all kinds of excited by the thought of being able to do something good (clear Peter's name). Thursday night he's ready to do the walk of doom and gloom.
  Alice is less than pleased when Ned has to back out of going boating with the senior partner at her design firm but Alice? Honey? I'm pretty sure your boss understands that hey, if your husband is going to be defending the mayoral candidate in a trial that starts the next day (WTF!), he's kinda gonna miss the boating thing. Seriously, later all of Ned's law buddies will trip all over themselves to congratulate Alice on heading the design team for the fucking mall, but Alice doesn't think her husband trying to save an honest man's reputation would be something worth backing? (We're ignoring the whole not his area of law angle at this point because if Ned managed to pull this trick off, it would be big news and that news would be good for Alice's firm way more than her designing the new wing of the mall would be for Ned's business but we're expected to just not think of this.)
  But also bullshit about that trial starting less than a week after the alleged bribes were found. Seriously. Bull. Shit. No way, no how.
  So Ned's working on Peter's case and Alice is working on trying to win the mall project and by Friday, Peter's case has been thrown out due to insufficient evidence (seriously, wtf did anyone expect to happen when they had less than a week to build a case against him) and Alice is now heading the mall project. Ned is less than jazzed for her, guys. Less than jazzed.

   At some point, Henry Patman comes a knockin' and tells Ned that he'd be an excellent mayor since Peter has dropped out of the race. Ned's not so sure since it would be an awfully big undertaking for his family and also, it's a lot of responsibility... so he asks for time to consider it and to talk to Alice about it.
  Jessica overhears this, btw, and is sure Daddy is about to become president. Oi. This is, naturally, going to bite everyone on the ass. But Liz makes her promise not to say anything because Ned should talk to Alice about it first and hey, maybe nothing will come of it.
  Ned then spends the next for-freaking-ever not talking to Alice about it. Part of this is because I swear to Christ, Alice never fucking calls home when she's going to be late for dinner and that shit is annoying to the point that I'm breaking my "keep profanity to a minimum" rule. You have a fucking car phone by the end of the book, call home and leave a message on the machine or something, goddammit! It's not that hard to be polite and considerate of others, especially when you've failed to do so numerous times in the recent past and it ALWAYS gets thrown in your face. Just pick up the phone, dammit. Not once is it mentioned that she's tried to call and that Jessica's hogging it due to the B plot (C plot?) and in fact she's forever apologizing after she rolls up late for not even thinking to call. NYARGH.
  Still. Ned should've said something before their big Tahoe weekend because he had plenty of time to do so. He just didn't. I feel like at the very least this should be something to have come up before bed. "Alice, you'll never believe who stopped by..." Sigh.

   Anyway, the Wakefields apparently go up to Lake Tahoe every year as a weekend getaway. There are no phones in the cabin and they basically spend three days just hanging out and being goobers together. The rule is no work, so we all know where this is going.
  Liz has spent the whole book worrying about her family falling apart. When she speaks to her mother's assistant, she tries to get Julia to convince Alice to take the weekend off because if she doesn't, bad things will happen. Julia isn't willing to do so until she has a way to reach Alice if an emergency comes up, so Liz reluctantly gives the main Inn's number to Julia and in return Julia and the rest of the firm make sure that Alice gets her weekend getaway.
  While at the cabin, Jessica lets the mayor thing drop and Alice thinks it's laughable so naturally Ned's like "fuck that, I'd make a fantastic mayor" but the two sort of meet in the middle. Ned points out that this would be a serious time commitment and he didn't want to be away from his family so much.
  Alas, the warm fuzzy moments of the weekend give way to the Inn's owner's son showing up saying that Alice has an emergency call and Ned's pissed that Alice gave out the number. Alice insists she didn't, but still goes to call work back. Liz admits to her mother later that she's the one to have given out the number but... doesn't tell her father? I don't get why she didn't tell both of them, honestly. Alice says it's okay, that Ned is just itching for a fight and Liz asks why and this part made me sad... Alice admits she doesn't know why.
  I waffle on how this book does my head in at different times. Alice chooses to hide her achievements and how work is going from Ned after he 'loses' the case because ... she doesn't want to rub her success in his face? I dunno. But that already happened when she burst home late the day it happened and shared the good news. The cat has escaped the bag and set it on fire, Alice. Maybe, especially when you recognize that it's not working, you should break the cycle of not telling your husband what's going on in your life. I think I get what they were going for but at the same time... no?
  And Ned, be happy for your wife, dammit. Just because you're starting a midlife crisis doesn't mean you can't be happy that Alice is doing good things.

   Sigh. Anyway, Sunday Alice gets another call from work and this time she says she has to leave early because Sal, that jackass, got the brilliant idea to do all the work on the computer and the computer glitched and this is 1990, so she's hosed. But Alice, you're so hosed that honestly, you could stay at the cabin the extra three or so hours and it wouldn't make any damn difference. If this had been the call from the day before, I'd argue it was an emergency and worth the call and she should go. But it's only a few hours and they could have waited to tell her and she could wait to go in to fix things. Seriously, wtf.

  Ned's pissed when Alice doesn't see it this way and tells her that if she leaves, she's not just leaving the family weekend, she's leaving her family.
  And she does.

  Damn, Alice.

  Btw, Ned, I'm pretty sure that part of your running appeal for mayor was your home life so this? This is a stupid fucking idea.

   Jessica's subplot (Liz's was basically keeping the house from falling apart while everyone else did their own thing and she probably kept them all from starving to death) is that she sees a teen party line shown on TV. Despite Liz pointing out how expensive they are and how skeevy it all is, Jessica calls and immediately finds a guy named Charlie. She spends the rest of the book falling for him because he sounds so sexy when he's giving her compliment after compliment. Charlie, however, keeps putting her off and Jessica can't understand why. She worries he thinks she won't be as awesome as she is, but Jess? It's far more likely that he's the one with the secret but what do I know, right? In any case, this is also not resolved by the time Alice ditches her family at Lake Tahoe.

  Ultimately I'm left wondering whether Prince Albert scammed every member of the family out of food every day by giving them big sad puppy eyes and that everyone assumed no one else was taking care of the dog... or did he really have to rely on Liz to have time in her schedule to do all the things?


Trivia Time:

• When Liz gets home at 5pm Monday, she notes that it's not unusual for Jessica to still be at cheer practice.


• Jess, btw, got home early so this point is kind of moot.


• There are four messages on the answering machine and three of them are boys calling for Jessica. One is from Ben and one is from David and Jessica thinks, "I wonder what he wants?" before slipping the message Liz scribbled down into her pocket. We never find out who the third message is from.


• The fourth message on the machine is from Alice an hour earlier who is running late and wants the family to pick her up on the way to the fund raiser. I'm left with so many questions, like where is her car?


• The fund raiser is for Peter Santelli and it's a dinner and reception being held in the garden of a civic center downtown.


• When Jess got home early, she immediately took Prince Albert for a walk outside and then proceeds to make a huge deal of it when she runs into Liz.


• Jessica is convinced that Maria's dad (Peter) will become mayor and then take the cheerleaders to Washington DC to meet the President. Liz and I are less sure that this is how politics work.


• Liz claims that Maria is more her friend than Jessica's outside of cheerleading. My initial thought was "really?" but the book then goes out of its way to make sure that I believe that Jessica, Lila, and Amy are awful people so...


• There's a new guy at Ned's law office named Griffin Pierce. He's described as "really aggressive, money hungry young lawyer" who will take on any case if it's glamorous enough or going to bring in a ton of money. Also, when the twins meet him, he's "thirty going on fifty" and is wearing gray from head to toe. He's an insensitive ass and comments about it being a surprise that Ned would show up at a get together after he lost Peter's case.


• Jessica suggests that her father ditch law and become an actor to avoid Griffin.


• Jessica also thinks the new mall wing should be called the Alice Wakefield Wing.


• Ned is initially very supportive of Alice's firm being in the running for the mall project.


• The morning after Peter's fund raiser, the paper runs this headline: Mayor Candidate Charged With Accepting Bribes! and nary a peep is written about how odds are good that Jessica and Liz would know the writer or at least the editor of the paper. Wasted throwback potential.


• Jessica kind of wants Peter to be crooked so he can be like a movie she saw recently.


• In case you wondered, Jessica's best friends are listed as Lila and Amy with Cara only being mentioned as Steven's girlfriend.


• Lila comments that there's no point in inviting Maria to dinner now since there's no way her father will be mayor now.


• Amy and Jessica were extra nice to Maria at practice but there's no reason to keep that up either. I can't tell whether I'm supposed to laugh at how awful these three are or just note that they are, indeed, awful.


• Lila's father bought her a video camera for her half birthday and Jessica seethes that it's bad enough that Lila has a car phone. Whoa, remember those?


• Oh, 900 numbers and teens. What could go wrong?


• Someone mysteriously deposited ten thousand dollars into Peter Santelli's bank account but despite the fact that this book takes place over at least a two week span, we end the book still not knowing who did it. This is just one of the many WTF notations.


• Ned claims he hasn't taken a criminal case in 15 years.


• When Jessica calls her teen party line, she meets Charlie, Sara, Micheal, Michelle, Nicola, and Bea. We later learn that Sara's got a thing for Charlie and Micheal takes turns flirting with Bea and Nicola.


• Charlie is from Riverdale, a town near Sweet Valley. So many towns we've never heard of that only pop up when the plot calls for them. Also, I have so many Archie crossover things here that I'm gonna hush.


• Liz's locket from Todd (the one he gave her when he moved away) makes a reappearance. ♥


• Peter calls Ned Wednesday night and begs him to be his lawyer. Ned initially says no and then agrees and apparently goes over Wednesday night. Thursday morning, Ned is gung ho about the case but after spending one day, he's already beaten come Thursday night. Friday he's bitching because Alice will be working even longer hours at work after being appointed head of the project. Time has no meaning anymore.


• Dough Phelps is the senior partner at Alice's design firm and the Wakefields are supposed to go boating with him Sunday and it's very important that the whole family go.


• Ned promised the weekend to Peter Santelli since the trial starts Monday.


• Ned also points out that the family doesn't have to cancel the boating trip, just Ned. Don't make me agree with you, Ned... but yeah, Doug should understand, Alice.


• Jessica has a phone date with Charlie at 8:15... that she keeps by calling the party line. I never did get how that was supposed to work but my brother was the one who racked up our bill calling a 900 number repeatedly (wrestling, calm down).


• Jess is flattered that Charlie likes her without ever having seen her, and she's pretty sure that most guys are 99% attracted to her looks whereas Charlie has no idea how fantastic she is.


• Liz pays for the family's groceries by using their charge at the store.


• Also, there are a lot of dates to the grocery store for Liz and Todd in this book and I have to admit they're pretty cute.


• Ingenue magazine says playing the field is so passe.


• Earl Wasserman is a new guy on the party line and asks if it really costs $1 a minute.


• The judge suspects Peter's case due to insufficient evidence. This means that while he's not been found guilty, his name has also not been cleared. Peter drops out of the race shortly thereafter.


• When the dinner Liz makes starts to fall apart as the family waits for Alice, Ned flips out and demands they just deal with frozen dinners. You know what Liz made? Spaghetti, salad, and bread. You know the only part of this equation currently borked? The noodles. It's even mentioned that the sauce is still just fine. Liz even comments that they just need to make more noodles... if they have any. Liz, my love, when you're trying to restock the pantry at home and make a meal such as this, you always buy extra noodles. Always. What if people wanted seconds? What if you dropped the first box on the floor? Seriously, it's not like she was budgeting.


• Also: once more Alice does not bother to call her damn family when she's going to be late for dinner. It's like she called once, off screen before the book started, and that was supposed to hold her the rest of forever. Not how it works.


• Jessica invites Charlie to a concert in Big Mesa where "some group from the East Coast" will be playing.


• Charlie would love to but his brother is coming home from Stamford that weekend.


• Charlie is a Jr., something Jessica finds out when she calls his house and gets Charlie's father (Charlie Sr.) first.


• Ned belongs to Psi Epsilon, a legal fraternity I'm 99% sure we've never heard of before now.


• Alice is super jazzed that the Psi Epsilon annual dinner will have a state supreme court justice and a leading criminal lawyer from San Francisco attending. They didn't go last year because they were out of town but Alice loves these kinds of things. The dinner will be held at Tosca's, a new Italian restaurant in Sweet Valley.


• This is a bad idea for many reasons, not the least of which the fact that Ned is super down about the law at the moment and seeing people who are either doing far better than he is or just annoying money grubbing lawyer cliches is not going to help. But what do I know, I'm just the reader and Liz is agreeing.


• Jessica wears a fuschia mini dress and matching tights to the Psi Epsilon dinner.


• Alice got a car phone but tells Jessica not to touch because it's really expensive.


• Alice also winds up in the paper when her firm wins the mall bid.


• Sy Underwood, "a small beaming man" who met Ned at the last Psi Epsilon bash, is thrilled over Alice's good fortune and confesses to wanting to be an architect when he was an undergrad.


• Sy is the first of many people who congratulate Alice on her achievements while pointedly ignoring Ned's recent set back.


• After his run in with Griffin, Ned leaves but Alice makes the kids stay another half an hour before packing it in.


• Henry Patman and James Knapp, a political analyst who was assisting Peter's campaign, stop by to convince Ned to run for mayor.


• The Wakefields go to Lake Tahoe every year. They rent a "charming redwood cabin with three bedrooms, a small kitchen, and a tiny living room with a fireplace" and no phone and BBQ most of their meals. Various other traditions include putting on their PJs, having hot chocolate and playing charades, hiking, and going to the Inn for dinner Saturday night.


• Alice's assistant is Julia.


• Almost any time Alice is mentioned having to do something with someone at the office, it's Sal. And Sal is always having an emergency. Fire Sal, Alice. Sal is also the one who got the bright idea to use the 'interactive software' to design part of the wing and of course the computer went down.

Quotes:

Elizabeth gave her twin a wry smile. Trust Jessica to take the one household chore she'd done all month and make it seem like the labors of Hercules! - Don't mind me, I'll be over here snickering, p3

"Jessica, from your voice... your name... you are poetry," Charlie said.
This was too much. Here was this guy saying these incredible things to her-right in front of the others on the line!- and he hadn't even seen her yet. Jessica had always been convinced that her looks were about ninety-nine percent of the reason guys asked her out. But Charlie couldn't see her. So why did he like her and not the others? - Aww. I will forever be a sucker for the "pretty girl is found awesome by someone who can't see her beauty and it throws her" trope. p39

"I've decided- just from your voice- that you're blond. Am I right?"
Jessica giggled. "You're right," she confessed.
"I could tell," Charlie said triumphantly. "You have the blondest voice I've ever heard."
Jessica felt shivers of delight go through her. Imagine how thrilled Charlie was going to be when he found out just how blond she really was! - I... uh... phrasing? This is so weird. I'm at turns amused and befuddled, really. p 47

This was Jessica's favorite kind of conversation. She loved hearing a list of all her positive characteristics. - Oh, Jessica. p86

"You're a perfect candidate, Ned. You're young, strong, smart-with a wonderful background in law. You've got a beautiful family. You're honest. You're ethical. You're exactly what this community needs, and who this community will vote for." - James Knapp is good at fluffing egos, eh? p 99

The Wakefields' courtship was like something out of a fairy tale. They met, they fell in love, they got married, and they really did live happily ever after.
Until now. - Liz, don't make me sad. p121





   My mental notes on this from however long it's been since I read this were basically: Mr. Wakefield goes to Washington, Ned and Alice set their marriage ablaze, Jessica doesn't care. Re-reading it didn't really change those thoughts, alas. It wasn't boring like I feared it would be, but it was painful because this book really should have had half these things peppered in previous books and then dealt with the trial vs. the mall time suck instead of trying to get us to believe all of this took place in under a month.