I'm Afraid of Americans

Spring Break
April 1986


Bon voyage...


   Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield are nearly bursting with excitement. Spring break has arrived, and the twins are off to the glamorous South of France! It's the vacation of a lifetime: Elizabeth can't wait to practice her French, but Jessica's dying to meet those romantic French boys.
   The Riviera turns out to be even more beautiful and wondrous than the twins had imagined, with its beach clubs, magnificent mansions, and the glittering Mediterranean Sea. But while the Frenchwoman with whom Jessica and Elizabeth is staying is a welcome hostess, her handsome son, Rene, is arrogant and rude. Can the twins figure out why Rene seems to despise them, or will he spoil their dream vacation?
   Share the magic of France with Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield. Take off for Spring Break!


  God, look at the cover. This has to be my least favorite of the Super Editions, strictly speaking about the covers. Liz is a little too into her brochure and Jessica is totally Rose [Golden Girls Rose] as a twenty-something. While you'd think crossing The Golden Girls and SVH would make me happier, it's just one of those covers that gets more unattractive each time you look at it. G'ah. Look away! Look away!

  Anyway, the twins [and various other students, like Lila] are off to France for a foreign exchange student swap. The kicker is that it's only for spring break. Hence the title. Mm, you're a quick one, aren't you? We begin our tale in the plane as the twins await takeoff. There's a fond look back at how uncomplicated seeing your loved ones used to be, prior to incidents that make it impossible for a true send-off these days. Sigh. Uh, if that was a little too vague, Liz waves, from the plane, to Steve, Alice, and Ned as they stand at the window, waving goodbye. Not that they can see her, Jessica points out. We haven't even reached the end of page one and Jess is already annoyed with her dorkier twin. Score!
  We learn that Jessica, fearless Jessica, is not all that fond of flying and loathes the "in case of emergency, lean over, put your head between your knees, and kiss your ass goodbye" spiel at the start of flights. Can't say I blame her. To distract her twin, Liz points out all the fun they'll have, and I admit, as a kid, this is the point where I was completely sucked in. Man, I wanted to go to France with them something awful. Sigh.
  Despite Jessica's best efforts to miss their flight by spending too much time in the "duty free shop" [a phrase I will forever giggle at without truly understanding why] during their layover in NYC, the girls eventually make it to France, where they run into Avery Glize, and her handsome but annoyingly insufferable son, Rene. Avery is a sweetheart, and due to her living in the U.S, as well as marrying an American, she speaks flawless English, as does Rene. When Jessica expresses her relief at not having to speak French every second of the day, Rene snaps at her, using the oldest cliche in the book. That Americans who travel abroad are rude, tactless slobs who expect everyone to speak English just to make their lives easier. Avery fusses at him in French, which mostly goes over Jessica's head and Liz can only keep up with a smidge of it. About the only thing they really make out is that Rene's really bitter about his father, though what this has to do with the price of American annoyance abroad, the twins know not.
  You, being smarter than a sixteen year old carbon copy from the Valley, will immediately presume that Avery's ex-husband was American and since he's so NOT in the picture anymore, left his family, and Rene resents him, and thus every American is immediately just like his father. Someone to be scorned. The twins, however, don't catch on for quite awhile. Sigh.
  Their first day, Avery makes them some really good food that the twins are too exhausted to truly appreciate, and they slink upstairs and promptly pass out until twilight. When Jessica awakes, she fusses at Liz for not waking her sooner, and then goes off to explore the house. Liz warns her not to snoop... after basically giving her the idea in the first place. LOGIC, Liz. Jess immediately stumbles across Rene's room and picks up a lucite picture cube. She admires the pictures until she comes across one that's off-center. She figures Rene's father has been cut out of the shot, and she's curious as to why, but flips the cube over and sees something so horrible she screams for her twin to haul her ass to Rene's room immediately. Only not in those exact words.
  There's a picture of Ferney, Rene's sister who is spending spring break at the Wakefield's home. Turns out that the redhead they couldn't really see in the photo the Glizes sent [what sense does that make if you're sending your kid? Wouldn't you want the people she'll be staying with to be able to pick her out of the people stumbling off the plane, especially if she doesn't freakin' speak English?] is the spitting image of Tricia Martin.
  Cue the falling glass, shattering on the floor, and horrified expressions. Except, y'know, for the shattering glass. But it would work, given the suspense and all.

  Ferney looks like Tricia, doesn't speak much English at all, and is quite happy to have a cute guy practically dote on her. Thing is, with the language barrier between then [Steve took Spanish, dontcha know] the two can't really communicate. So Steve thinks that Ferney loves science like Tricia, wants to be a scientist [like Tricia!] and is freakishly like his lost love. Part of him knows that as long as he can't truly communicate with her, he can go on believing things that aren't necessarily true. He can have illusions and who will it really hurt, huh?
  Cara Walker, you tool. Steve ignores Cara and she knows she's losing him to a girl who looks too much like his dead girlfriend, but what can she do? He won't talk to her and she's got some pride, too much to force him to leave Ferney's side for half a second. Poor girl can't even drown her sorrows in icecream, as she's got no appetite. She confesses her sorrows to Enid of all people, but Enid can't convince her to stand up and fight for Steven, since, come on, Ferney's obviously not the brightest bulb. Cara won't even try and that's that.
  Steve invites a friend of his, David, down to help translate things between Steve and Ferney. Within minutes Steven realizes that Ferney, while beautiful and nice enough, is a dim bulb. He wants depth, experience, something more interesting than "teehee, I like crepes. Teehee!"
  Shoulda thought of that before you fucked things up with Cara, eh? Once more we're treated to Steve calling someone [Cara] a "special person." Jesus, Steven, for someone who moped around for months, you're so not in touch with your emotional side. Can't you say she's special to you, or that, hell, she's a special girl? Something a little less generic than special person?
  After he realizes what an ass he's been, he grovels at Cara's feet and she forgives him, although those of you who've read Memories in the not too distant past will recognize a pattern. Steven's an ass, Cara says to hell with this, Steve realizes the error of his ways, apologizes, and Cara gives him an out, just in case he feels honor bound to try and work things out with her. Steve declines the out, they kiss, makeup, and he promises never to fall back under his dead girlfriend's spell. Dude, I think we've got at least two more books where this happens and then they ship Cara off to get some therapy of the retail variety in London.
  Basically, all's well that ends well.

   Back in France, Jessica meets Marc, a nice, rich guy who happens to be too short and not cute enough to truly satisfy Jessica. And while his parents are loaded and he takes her to the exclusive beach his parents have access to, basically it's filled with boring old people. The highlight of this seems to be Jessica deigning to go topless like most of the rest of the natives.
  Liz, on the other hand, gets the world's worst tour when Rene is brow-beaten into it by Avery. His friends Georges and Edouard are nice enough, and they explain the secret about Rene's father, and that Glize is Avery's maiden name. Thing is, as nice as they are, Rene is twice the ass as he's been the entire time. Poor Liz. She eventually stumbles across a cute German shepherd puppy and when she finds his name is Nykki and takes him home, she meets the Countess de Willenich. They chat about art, life, love... who knows. It actually sounds like a fantastic afternoon, and I agree with my younger self who would have been more than content taking Liz's place. Except for that part where I don't speak French. The Countess invites Liz back the following day, and to Jessica's horror, Liz accepts. While there, she runs into Jean-Claude, who happens to be the Countess' grandson. Quickly Liz realizes she's been set up, but doesn't mind because J-C is hot, charming, and doesn't speak English so well, so it gives Liz a perfect chance to work on her French. Yeah.
  It doesn't take Jessica long to realize J-C is the guy she'd much rather pal around France with. When Liz runs out to help Avery with a prescription delivery and doesn't make it back in time, Jessica steps in for her twin's date with J-C. J-C knows something is different about Liz, and not just that her French mysteriously sucks as much as his English does, but Jessica's afraid that if she comes clean, he'll want nothing to do with her. Unable to risk that, she lets him believe she's Liz. While he spent the previous day with the more sedate twin and didn't seem to try anything, it doesn't take long for day 2 to quickly turn romantic. Jess works fast.
  Liz's feelings are hurt when she thinks J-C is blowing her off, but she spends the day doing things she wants and things are okay once she finally gets to spend part of her day at the beach. I kid you not. Eventually Marc appears and Liz realizes that Jessica's been lying to her. It's not until Rene makes a snide comment that she realizes that Jess has snagged J-C for herself.
  Of course, this being SVH, something serious must happen to keep Jess from being killed by Liz. In this case, Jessica's gone off with J-C and is hours late getting back. There's a terrible storm and wouldn't it just figure this was the day the two had gone sailing? Liz convinces Rene to brave his fear of water [oh yeah, to make him perfectly damaged, Rene's best friend drowned a few summers ago, which is why he bites Liz's head off during their sucky tour after she suggests going to the beach.] and she overcomes her fear of mopeds [like motorcycles, only not] to speed off towards the deadly sea in order to save Jess and J-C.
  For a moment you might think things will end without that touch of melodrama, since Liz and Rene arrive in time to see Jess & J-C's little boat almost make it to shore... and then there's a wave, and Jess gets knocked overboard. Liz screams herself silly and dives into the ocean in an attempt to help J-C save Jessica. Rene appears in the water, everything is ginger peachy, and the day is saved thanks to the powerpuff girls.
  My favorite bit of this is not half an hour later, Jess is readying herself for a dinner date with J-C. Yup, near death means nothing by now, as Jess only has a few days left with her new boytoy. She confesses her real identity, he's totally okay with it, and Liz manages to not get ensnared in Jessica's sneaky word games. Oh, and Rene and Liz bond and the book ends with the promise that Liz and Rene totally sucked... face the entire rest of her spring break. Mmm...hmmm. She solved his water and his daddy issues. She's Super-cLiz!

Trivial:

• This is Lila's third trip to France. Liz seems surprised that Lila's gone to France before at all. Uh, hello, I think we're told upon meeting Lila in the series that while her father travels the globe more than she does, Li does tag along. Thus France? Not outside the realm of possibility, Lizzie...


• Jessica is not particularly fond of flying, nor is she fond of the "in case we should plummet to our apparent deaths, please follow these guidelines" speech at the start of each flight.


• The twins are off to Cannes for ten days, although Jessica keeps insisting it's merely a week.


• Their flight: 734 to Nice, France, via Kennedy International in NYC. 6 hours and 20 minutes to Kennedy, another 7 hours to France, but you get half an hour in NYC while the plane refuels.


• The twins are staying with the Glize family, specifically Avery and Rene, while the youngest Glize, Ferney, spends the break in Sweet Valley.


• Avery: slender [shock!], petite, fashionably short hair, nearly flawless English.


• Rene: Almost 18 [as they keep repeating as opposed to saying he's 17], tall, fair haired, fan of the tight jeans, piercing green eyes, giant chip on his shoulder.


• Ferney: See Tricia Martin.


• Todd is mentioned! Repeatedly! When Liz is lonely, she imagines Todd has come to France with her and they're painting the town a nice respectable shade of red.


• Lila's host family has an apartment in Paris, and a house in Normandy. Jessica speculates that Mr. Fowler paid handsomely for his princess to be put up in such nice digs. Jess is probably right.


• The Glize's house: Whitewashed stone, surrounded by rows of silvery trees in a large orchard that leads to a sharp drop off [alo, cliff] and the Mediterranean Sea is visible. Balconies seem to abound.


• The Droids seem to have tapes for sale, as Jessica listens to one on her Walkman during the flight to France.


• Whatever movie the plane was showing, the twins had each seen it twice apiece, but when they attempted to make it a third go-round, they both passed out.


• Jessica helps herself to those little soaps they have in the bathroom of the plane. Classy.


• Avery drives a silver Peugeot.


• On the plane, Liz wore a patterned sundress, Jess a black mini skirt and tank top.


• Rene went to the Cannes film festival back in '86... possibly 85, depending on when the book was supposed to have taken place.


• Ferney likes tennis, horse riding, science class, sailing, and giggling like a brain dead teenage girl.


• Marc Marcheiller drives a silver Porsche, and his family also has a Rolls in zee garage.


• Chuck Wollman: proof that Jessica dates short guys. Though she calls him "tiny", so um, maybe she meant something else entirely. Oh, dear.


• Liz's "Before I die Leave France" list of sights: Boulevard de la Croisette, The Mont Chevalier Tower, the Castre Museum, THE BEACH.


• Speaking of the beach, Jess goes topless at the beach Marc takes her to.


• Liz figures out Rene's daddy issues by page 67. By then the rest of us already knew all about it.


• Rene's friends are Georges and Edouard. Both have more tact in one afternoon than Rene has during the entirety of the twins' visit.


• Glize is Avery's maiden name.


• Rene embarrasses Elizabeth at a cafe when he flits about shrieking for the waiter, demanding ketchup for the table as they have an American at the table, and everyone knows all Americans smother their food in the filthy red stuff. Fuck you, Rene. I'd have backhanded him for that.


• Elizabeth's journal is navy blue and cloth bound.


• Nykki is a German Shepherd puppy who takes an instant liking to Liz, forcing her to return him to the Ville de Willenich where she promptly meets, and charms, the Countess de Willenich.


• The Countess speaks six languages if you count sign language as it's own.


• To thank Liz for bringing back Nykki, the Countess serves Liz half a glass of red wine, specifically the Chateau Marcelline, which is from a local vineyard.


• Jean-Claude has sandy brown hair, large wide-set eyes, strong chiseled features, and is tall and tan. He doesn't speak'um the English too well, though.


• Lila has the only hot tub in the Valley, but the Patmans did just get a new Swedish sauna out by the pool.


• Liz partied with the stars at an L.A. club. It was "wild." Somehow I don't think '86 and '08 wild are the same thing.


• French style, via the 1980's: tight jeans, heels, long bulky sweaters, and glittery scarves. Um, bulky sweaters aside, kinda sounds like your average pop-star.


• J-C has a Citroen.


• J-C & Liz went to the observatory and played boules, which Liz sucked at.


• Rene was a summer lifeguard and raced on the Jr. team until the summer his best friend Antoine drowned while the two were out for a swim. Antoine called out for Rene's help, but Rene didn't hear until it was too late. For those playing along at home, that makes TWO chips on his shoulder. One for each side!


• Cara likes vanilla swiss almond icecream. Except when she's heartbroken, then she just stirs it round and round.


• Liz actually claims to be the non-meddlesome type.


• No. Seriously, she does.


• I'm not kidding.


• Rene's father's name is Gordon, and he writes Rene a letter every month, which Rene throws away without even opening. Gordon has a good relationship with Ferney, yet, uh... how is it that they vacation together and Ferney doesn't know a damn bit of English?


• When returning from the Ile Sante-Marguerite, J-C and Jessica run into a bit of a snag in the form of a particularly vicious storm.


• Liz befriends Veronique Gallirere, whose father, Joseph, is a painter, and a fairly well known one at that. Veronique appears to be falling for Marc when last we see her.

Quotable:
"Well, I've heard that everybody over there speaks English anyway," Jessica replied. - Cuz who would speak French in France anyway? p3
"Don't worry. They'll find us. After all, how many pairs of beautiful blond twins do you see here?" - Jess does have a point, p22
"So tell me, what is it, then, about this guy that doesn't make him the one you want to be with this vacation? No, wait, don't tell me. He's rich, and he's nice. I guess that means he's not gorgeous enough to meet Jessica Wakefield's impeccable standards, right?" - Damn, does Liz know her twin or what? p53
"I know you think I'm like that, the kind of person to meddle in other people's business, but that's not true." - I'm sorry, what was that? Someone's full of it. Liz, p151

137:
   "Look, I've thanked you a hundred and thirty-seven times for pulling me out of there, and I appreciate your concern, but I'm absolutely fine." -Jess doesn't let a little bump on the head and near drowning get in the way of her quality time with a boy. p201






  For all that I mocked earlier, I really like most of this one. I could do without the rehash of the Tricia thing because it makes Steven look like a total asswipe and he never comes across as three dimensional, or hell, even two dimensional. Seriously, a special person. The hell is that, Steve?
  One thing I never did understand: Why didn't Jess invite Liz with her when Marc originally invites her out? Why did neither twin include the other in their plans? I don't get it. It's not like they were adverse to hanging out together, so why not actually hang out with the other one's new French-ified friends?
  Also, no matter how many times it's mentioned, I never think of Rene as blond. I wonder if that's just me.
  I'm also heartbroken that I couldn't find a single alternate cover... not even when they went letterbox as opposed to classic circle, baby. *weep*

I'm Afraid of Americans

Spring Break
April 1986


Bon voyage...


   Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield are nearly bursting with excitement. Spring break has arrived, and the twins are off to the glamorous South of France! It's the vacation of a lifetime: Elizabeth can't wait to practice her French, but Jessica's dying to meet those romantic French boys.
   The Riviera turns out to be even more beautiful and wondrous than the twins had imagined, with its beach clubs, magnificent mansions, and the glittering Mediterranean Sea. But while the Frenchwoman with whom Jessica and Elizabeth is staying is a welcome hostess, her handsome son, Rene, is arrogant and rude. Can the twins figure out why Rene seems to despise them, or will he spoil their dream vacation?
   Share the magic of France with Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield. Take off for Spring Break!


  God, look at the cover. This has to be my least favorite of the Super Editions, strictly speaking about the covers. Liz is a little too into her brochure and Jessica is totally Rose [Golden Girls Rose] as a twenty-something. While you'd think crossing The Golden Girls and SVH would make me happier, it's just one of those covers that gets more unattractive each time you look at it. G'ah. Look away! Look away!

  Anyway, the twins [and various other students, like Lila] are off to France for a foreign exchange student swap. The kicker is that it's only for spring break. Hence the title. Mm, you're a quick one, aren't you? We begin our tale in the plane as the twins await takeoff. There's a fond look back at how uncomplicated seeing your loved ones used to be, prior to incidents that make it impossible for a true send-off these days. Sigh. Uh, if that was a little too vague, Liz waves, from the plane, to Steve, Alice, and Ned as they stand at the window, waving goodbye. Not that they can see her, Jessica points out. We haven't even reached the end of page one and Jess is already annoyed with her dorkier twin. Score!
  We learn that Jessica, fearless Jessica, is not all that fond of flying and loathes the "in case of emergency, lean over, put your head between your knees, and kiss your ass goodbye" spiel at the start of flights. Can't say I blame her. To distract her twin, Liz points out all the fun they'll have, and I admit, as a kid, this is the point where I was completely sucked in. Man, I wanted to go to France with them something awful. Sigh.
  Despite Jessica's best efforts to miss their flight by spending too much time in the "duty free shop" [a phrase I will forever giggle at without truly understanding why] during their layover in NYC, the girls eventually make it to France, where they run into Avery Glize, and her handsome but annoyingly insufferable son, Rene. Avery is a sweetheart, and due to her living in the U.S, as well as marrying an American, she speaks flawless English, as does Rene. When Jessica expresses her relief at not having to speak French every second of the day, Rene snaps at her, using the oldest cliche in the book. That Americans who travel abroad are rude, tactless slobs who expect everyone to speak English just to make their lives easier. Avery fusses at him in French, which mostly goes over Jessica's head and Liz can only keep up with a smidge of it. About the only thing they really make out is that Rene's really bitter about his father, though what this has to do with the price of American annoyance abroad, the twins know not.
  You, being smarter than a sixteen year old carbon copy from the Valley, will immediately presume that Avery's ex-husband was American and since he's so NOT in the picture anymore, left his family, and Rene resents him, and thus every American is immediately just like his father. Someone to be scorned. The twins, however, don't catch on for quite awhile. Sigh.
  Their first day, Avery makes them some really good food that the twins are too exhausted to truly appreciate, and they slink upstairs and promptly pass out until twilight. When Jessica awakes, she fusses at Liz for not waking her sooner, and then goes off to explore the house. Liz warns her not to snoop... after basically giving her the idea in the first place. LOGIC, Liz. Jess immediately stumbles across Rene's room and picks up a lucite picture cube. She admires the pictures until she comes across one that's off-center. She figures Rene's father has been cut out of the shot, and she's curious as to why, but flips the cube over and sees something so horrible she screams for her twin to haul her ass to Rene's room immediately. Only not in those exact words.
  There's a picture of Ferney, Rene's sister who is spending spring break at the Wakefield's home. Turns out that the redhead they couldn't really see in the photo the Glizes sent [what sense does that make if you're sending your kid? Wouldn't you want the people she'll be staying with to be able to pick her out of the people stumbling off the plane, especially if she doesn't freakin' speak English?] is the spitting image of Tricia Martin.
  Cue the falling glass, shattering on the floor, and horrified expressions. Except, y'know, for the shattering glass. But it would work, given the suspense and all.

  Ferney looks like Tricia, doesn't speak much English at all, and is quite happy to have a cute guy practically dote on her. Thing is, with the language barrier between then [Steve took Spanish, dontcha know] the two can't really communicate. So Steve thinks that Ferney loves science like Tricia, wants to be a scientist [like Tricia!] and is freakishly like his lost love. Part of him knows that as long as he can't truly communicate with her, he can go on believing things that aren't necessarily true. He can have illusions and who will it really hurt, huh?
  Cara Walker, you tool. Steve ignores Cara and she knows she's losing him to a girl who looks too much like his dead girlfriend, but what can she do? He won't talk to her and she's got some pride, too much to force him to leave Ferney's side for half a second. Poor girl can't even drown her sorrows in icecream, as she's got no appetite. She confesses her sorrows to Enid of all people, but Enid can't convince her to stand up and fight for Steven, since, come on, Ferney's obviously not the brightest bulb. Cara won't even try and that's that.
  Steve invites a friend of his, David, down to help translate things between Steve and Ferney. Within minutes Steven realizes that Ferney, while beautiful and nice enough, is a dim bulb. He wants depth, experience, something more interesting than "teehee, I like crepes. Teehee!"
  Shoulda thought of that before you fucked things up with Cara, eh? Once more we're treated to Steve calling someone [Cara] a "special person." Jesus, Steven, for someone who moped around for months, you're so not in touch with your emotional side. Can't you say she's special to you, or that, hell, she's a special girl? Something a little less generic than special person?
  After he realizes what an ass he's been, he grovels at Cara's feet and she forgives him, although those of you who've read Memories in the not too distant past will recognize a pattern. Steven's an ass, Cara says to hell with this, Steve realizes the error of his ways, apologizes, and Cara gives him an out, just in case he feels honor bound to try and work things out with her. Steve declines the out, they kiss, makeup, and he promises never to fall back under his dead girlfriend's spell. Dude, I think we've got at least two more books where this happens and then they ship Cara off to get some therapy of the retail variety in London.
  Basically, all's well that ends well.

   Back in France, Jessica meets Marc, a nice, rich guy who happens to be too short and not cute enough to truly satisfy Jessica. And while his parents are loaded and he takes her to the exclusive beach his parents have access to, basically it's filled with boring old people. The highlight of this seems to be Jessica deigning to go topless like most of the rest of the natives.
  Liz, on the other hand, gets the world's worst tour when Rene is brow-beaten into it by Avery. His friends Georges and Edouard are nice enough, and they explain the secret about Rene's father, and that Glize is Avery's maiden name. Thing is, as nice as they are, Rene is twice the ass as he's been the entire time. Poor Liz. She eventually stumbles across a cute German shepherd puppy and when she finds his name is Nykki and takes him home, she meets the Countess de Willenich. They chat about art, life, love... who knows. It actually sounds like a fantastic afternoon, and I agree with my younger self who would have been more than content taking Liz's place. Except for that part where I don't speak French. The Countess invites Liz back the following day, and to Jessica's horror, Liz accepts. While there, she runs into Jean-Claude, who happens to be the Countess' grandson. Quickly Liz realizes she's been set up, but doesn't mind because J-C is hot, charming, and doesn't speak English so well, so it gives Liz a perfect chance to work on her French. Yeah.
  It doesn't take Jessica long to realize J-C is the guy she'd much rather pal around France with. When Liz runs out to help Avery with a prescription delivery and doesn't make it back in time, Jessica steps in for her twin's date with J-C. J-C knows something is different about Liz, and not just that her French mysteriously sucks as much as his English does, but Jessica's afraid that if she comes clean, he'll want nothing to do with her. Unable to risk that, she lets him believe she's Liz. While he spent the previous day with the more sedate twin and didn't seem to try anything, it doesn't take long for day 2 to quickly turn romantic. Jess works fast.
  Liz's feelings are hurt when she thinks J-C is blowing her off, but she spends the day doing things she wants and things are okay once she finally gets to spend part of her day at the beach. I kid you not. Eventually Marc appears and Liz realizes that Jessica's been lying to her. It's not until Rene makes a snide comment that she realizes that Jess has snagged J-C for herself.
  Of course, this being SVH, something serious must happen to keep Jess from being killed by Liz. In this case, Jessica's gone off with J-C and is hours late getting back. There's a terrible storm and wouldn't it just figure this was the day the two had gone sailing? Liz convinces Rene to brave his fear of water [oh yeah, to make him perfectly damaged, Rene's best friend drowned a few summers ago, which is why he bites Liz's head off during their sucky tour after she suggests going to the beach.] and she overcomes her fear of mopeds [like motorcycles, only not] to speed off towards the deadly sea in order to save Jess and J-C.
  For a moment you might think things will end without that touch of melodrama, since Liz and Rene arrive in time to see Jess & J-C's little boat almost make it to shore... and then there's a wave, and Jess gets knocked overboard. Liz screams herself silly and dives into the ocean in an attempt to help J-C save Jessica. Rene appears in the water, everything is ginger peachy, and the day is saved thanks to the powerpuff girls.
  My favorite bit of this is not half an hour later, Jess is readying herself for a dinner date with J-C. Yup, near death means nothing by now, as Jess only has a few days left with her new boytoy. She confesses her real identity, he's totally okay with it, and Liz manages to not get ensnared in Jessica's sneaky word games. Oh, and Rene and Liz bond and the book ends with the promise that Liz and Rene totally sucked... face the entire rest of her spring break. Mmm...hmmm. She solved his water and his daddy issues. She's Super-cLiz!

Trivial:

• This is Lila's third trip to France. Liz seems surprised that Lila's gone to France before at all. Uh, hello, I think we're told upon meeting Lila in the series that while her father travels the globe more than she does, Li does tag along. Thus France? Not outside the realm of possibility, Lizzie...


• Jessica is not particularly fond of flying, nor is she fond of the "in case we should plummet to our apparent deaths, please follow these guidelines" speech at the start of each flight.


• The twins are off to Cannes for ten days, although Jessica keeps insisting it's merely a week.


• Their flight: 734 to Nice, France, via Kennedy International in NYC. 6 hours and 20 minutes to Kennedy, another 7 hours to France, but you get half an hour in NYC while the plane refuels.


• The twins are staying with the Glize family, specifically Avery and Rene, while the youngest Glize, Ferney, spends the break in Sweet Valley.


• Avery: slender [shock!], petite, fashionably short hair, nearly flawless English.


• Rene: Almost 18 [as they keep repeating as opposed to saying he's 17], tall, fair haired, fan of the tight jeans, piercing green eyes, giant chip on his shoulder.


• Ferney: See Tricia Martin.


• Todd is mentioned! Repeatedly! When Liz is lonely, she imagines Todd has come to France with her and they're painting the town a nice respectable shade of red.


• Lila's host family has an apartment in Paris, and a house in Normandy. Jessica speculates that Mr. Fowler paid handsomely for his princess to be put up in such nice digs. Jess is probably right.


• The Glize's house: Whitewashed stone, surrounded by rows of silvery trees in a large orchard that leads to a sharp drop off [alo, cliff] and the Mediterranean Sea is visible. Balconies seem to abound.


• The Droids seem to have tapes for sale, as Jessica listens to one on her Walkman during the flight to France.


• Whatever movie the plane was showing, the twins had each seen it twice apiece, but when they attempted to make it a third go-round, they both passed out.


• Jessica helps herself to those little soaps they have in the bathroom of the plane. Classy.


• Avery drives a silver Peugeot.


• On the plane, Liz wore a patterned sundress, Jess a black mini skirt and tank top.


• Rene went to the Cannes film festival back in '86... possibly 85, depending on when the book was supposed to have taken place.


• Ferney likes tennis, horse riding, science class, sailing, and giggling like a brain dead teenage girl.


• Marc Marcheiller drives a silver Porsche, and his family also has a Rolls in zee garage.


• Chuck Wollman: proof that Jessica dates short guys. Though she calls him "tiny", so um, maybe she meant something else entirely. Oh, dear.


• Liz's "Before I die Leave France" list of sights: Boulevard de la Croisette, The Mont Chevalier Tower, the Castre Museum, THE BEACH.


• Speaking of the beach, Jess goes topless at the beach Marc takes her to.


• Liz figures out Rene's daddy issues by page 67. By then the rest of us already knew all about it.


• Rene's friends are Georges and Edouard. Both have more tact in one afternoon than Rene has during the entirety of the twins' visit.


• Glize is Avery's maiden name.


• Rene embarrasses Elizabeth at a cafe when he flits about shrieking for the waiter, demanding ketchup for the table as they have an American at the table, and everyone knows all Americans smother their food in the filthy red stuff. Fuck you, Rene. I'd have backhanded him for that.


• Elizabeth's journal is navy blue and cloth bound.


• Nykki is a German Shepherd puppy who takes an instant liking to Liz, forcing her to return him to the Ville de Willenich where she promptly meets, and charms, the Countess de Willenich.


• The Countess speaks six languages if you count sign language as it's own.


• To thank Liz for bringing back Nykki, the Countess serves Liz half a glass of red wine, specifically the Chateau Marcelline, which is from a local vineyard.


• Jean-Claude has sandy brown hair, large wide-set eyes, strong chiseled features, and is tall and tan. He doesn't speak'um the English too well, though.


• Lila has the only hot tub in the Valley, but the Patmans did just get a new Swedish sauna out by the pool.


• Liz partied with the stars at an L.A. club. It was "wild." Somehow I don't think '86 and '08 wild are the same thing.


• French style, via the 1980's: tight jeans, heels, long bulky sweaters, and glittery scarves. Um, bulky sweaters aside, kinda sounds like your average pop-star.


• J-C has a Citroen.


• J-C & Liz went to the observatory and played boules, which Liz sucked at.


• Rene was a summer lifeguard and raced on the Jr. team until the summer his best friend Antoine drowned while the two were out for a swim. Antoine called out for Rene's help, but Rene didn't hear until it was too late. For those playing along at home, that makes TWO chips on his shoulder. One for each side!


• Cara likes vanilla swiss almond icecream. Except when she's heartbroken, then she just stirs it round and round.


• Liz actually claims to be the non-meddlesome type.


• No. Seriously, she does.


• I'm not kidding.


• Rene's father's name is Gordon, and he writes Rene a letter every month, which Rene throws away without even opening. Gordon has a good relationship with Ferney, yet, uh... how is it that they vacation together and Ferney doesn't know a damn bit of English?


• When returning from the Ile Sante-Marguerite, J-C and Jessica run into a bit of a snag in the form of a particularly vicious storm.


• Liz befriends Veronique Gallirere, whose father, Joseph, is a painter, and a fairly well known one at that. Veronique appears to be falling for Marc when last we see her.

Quotable:
"Well, I've heard that everybody over there speaks English anyway," Jessica replied. - Cuz who would speak French in France anyway? p3
"Don't worry. They'll find us. After all, how many pairs of beautiful blond twins do you see here?" - Jess does have a point, p22
"So tell me, what is it, then, about this guy that doesn't make him the one you want to be with this vacation? No, wait, don't tell me. He's rich, and he's nice. I guess that means he's not gorgeous enough to meet Jessica Wakefield's impeccable standards, right?" - Damn, does Liz know her twin or what? p53
"I know you think I'm like that, the kind of person to meddle in other people's business, but that's not true." - I'm sorry, what was that? Someone's full of it. Liz, p151

137:
   "Look, I've thanked you a hundred and thirty-seven times for pulling me out of there, and I appreciate your concern, but I'm absolutely fine." -Jess doesn't let a little bump on the head and near drowning get in the way of her quality time with a boy. p201






  For all that I mocked earlier, I really like most of this one. I could do without the rehash of the Tricia thing because it makes Steven look like a total asswipe and he never comes across as three dimensional, or hell, even two dimensional. Seriously, a special person. The hell is that, Steve?
  One thing I never did understand: Why didn't Jess invite Liz with her when Marc originally invites her out? Why did neither twin include the other in their plans? I don't get it. It's not like they were adverse to hanging out together, so why not actually hang out with the other one's new French-ified friends?
  Also, no matter how many times it's mentioned, I never think of Rene as blond. I wonder if that's just me.
  I'm also heartbroken that I couldn't find a single alternate cover... not even when they went letterbox as opposed to classic circle, baby. *weep*