Michael and Maria, but not the cute Roswell couple

Forbidden Love
February 1987


Will an engagement ring come between Maria and Michael?

Diamonds are forever...

   Maria Santelli's engagement to Michael Harris is the talk of Sweet Valley High, but they must keep it a secret from their parents. Years ago, the two families had a huge argument, and Michael and Maria were forbidden to see each other.
   At first, the sparkle in Maria's eyes nearly matches the sparkle in her diamond ring. But being engaged isn't as easy as Maria had expected. She's used to doing things on her own; but now Michael acts as if he owns her. He's even jealous of her helping Winston Egbert with his campaign for Student Council. Maria's beginning to think that she and Michael were happier before their engagement. Will Michael and Maria resolve their differences and go ahead with their wedding plans? Or will their secret engagement destroy their relationship forever?


   It took long enough for SVH to finally use that ever so popular star-crossed lovers idea. Naturally, they couldn't use one of the twins, as we'd have heard of a family feud by now. And Enid's already had her great romance and besides, her family's too new to SV to really get into a feud properly. Cara's paired up, Lila's not at all interested in Bruce [and he's taken anyway], and no one gives two damns about Amy Sutton. So... it's time to hit the B-list.
  I'm not actually sure Maria Santelli would qualify as the B-list since, thus far, all we know about her is that she's one of the nicer, more talented cheerleaders. Other characters would, and do, rank higher than her, but... she's got an in. She's a cheerleader, so obviously she's on the social A-list at SVH. Also, she's helping Winston with some campaign we haven't heard word one about prior to this. But really, Winston! Winston is firmly B-list, heading towards A-list material!
  But... we need that star-crossed angle, and Win isn't leading man material. I know! We'll give Maria a boyfriend no one knows about, say their family has been fighting for years, and we'll call it a day.

  And that's what they do. Michael Harris and Maria Santelli have been dating for a few months, only their parents don't know. A few years ago a business deal went south, and their fathers stopped speaking t one another. The mothers followed and the kids were no longer allowed to see one another, breaking up a pair of best friends. The kids go along with this until they're paired up for a class project and then suddenly sparks fly. The two tell their parents, and the parents tell them to find some other skank/himbo. So the pair lie and say they've broken up, although they totally keep dating.
  So, then Michael asks Maria to marry him, figuring once their parents see how serious they are, they'll at least come around a little and ease up on the feud. Except... for that to happen, Michael has to actually tell his parents.
  Which he doesn't want to, fearing how badly his father will take it. Fair enough, the parents aren't exactly being adults about the whole thing. But if a major part of asking Maria to marry you was to snap the parental units out of their funk, you actually. have. to. tell. them!

  Bah. Which is pretty much how frustrated Maria feels. Only she can't tell anyone because everyone else, including some of the boys [Rickkkkkyyyyyy!], thinks it's all so romantic and wonderful and epic... You get the idea. They're in love with the idea, even as they're horrified by the thought of going through the same thing themselves. Leading the, "Oh, good God, you've got to be kidding me" parade is Elizabeth Wakefield. for those who like their books with Liz prancing around with a pole shoved so far up her ass that... yeah, I'm going to stop there. Liz is riding high on her holier-than-thou-tude and is sure that M&M are heading for disaster because they're just far too young to be married.

  Which is where my younger self and I both scream, "JESUS! It's called a LONG ENGAGEMENT!" Not everyone gets married within months of getting engaged, and it would be perfectly reasonable for M&M to be engaged for half of forever before actually tying the knot. Hell, it sounds like Michael's older sister has had a fairly long engagement as well. So. Why. Can't. M&M?

  Because no one thinks of this. Michael and Maria don't seem to be rushing towards the altar, but Maria would like to come clean to their parents. It's funny how she's sure that a ring will dissolve all their problems, isn't it? Ah, to be sixteen and stupid.

  In a miraculous bit of timing, Mr. Jaworski is leading some special group that deals with that other teen staple: the fake marriage. Mmm. I still don't know why the history teacher is doing this, but maybe he's just a sucker for taking all the fun out of the future. He is a high school teacher, after all. Anyway, Mikey and Maria are paired up as husband and wife and for a moment everyone's sure this is a sign! It's fate!

  It's the end!

  M&M don't agree on a damn thing. Maria wants to work after she's married, and Mikey wants a stay-at-home wife and mother to his children. Maria is just this side of being a total bitch about any woman who makes that choice [there's a good reason I block much of this book from memory: I like to think I like Maria, and this book makes it difficult to do so.] and the couple also fight over whether to take their fictional juvenile delinquent of a son to therapy when he's busted shoplifting for a second time. Am I the only one who takes a moment to wish Lila had gotten that assignment? Cuz, whoa, would her face have turned a festive shade of purple...

  In a bold move there's not a whole lot of a B-plot. In fact, there isn't one. The closest we come are the twins sort of flitting around the idea of Maria's impending nuptials. Jessica and Lila are planning a surprise engagement party for the couple, while Liz and Jeffrey bond. Then, because that's too boring, Liz prances around for the rest of the book bitching about how Maria's too young to throw her life away. Again, I repeat, long engagement.

  Not that it matters since the second Winston appears, we realize he's in love with Maria and she's not half as devoted to Michael as she thinks. Yeah, yeah, there's some B.S. about Winston wanting to win the student council liaison with the PTA or something, but what he really wants is to get the girl.

  For the life of me, I don't understand why. Normally I would, as Maria's usually bubbly, bright, sweet but not terribly naive, and an all around fantastic sort of girl. But this book? She's bitchy as hell [and while I'm sure I'm not the only one willing to overlook, and possibly even applaud her bitching Liz out, it was a little out of character], whiny, unable to see why her fiance might not want her spending two days every week with a guy they both know has the hots for her, and, oh yeah, two seconds after breaking her engagement, she's out making out with another dude.
  Yup, at the engagement party, Michael makes an announcement that he's going to run for whatever thing Winston's been hoping for. Winston freaks and Maria tells Mikey he can shove his engagement. Michael is left to deal with the fallout of their romance when their parents arrive, having heard the great news from Caroline Pearce's mother. No one should be surprised that the gossip gene was passed along the maternal side in that family. That's right, Mikey is broken up with and then gets to deal with the "what the hell is wrong with you?" speeches. Only, since the engagement is broken, those speeches are cut sort of short. While Michael's dealing with that, Maria's out trying to convince Winston she had no idea Michael would say what he did, and that she's broken up with him and gosh, she's been single for two whole seconds, and Winston, have you been crying? Let me kiss it and make it all better.
  They don't return to the party for another thirty minutes... Draw your own conclusions.
  Oh, there's some bit where Liz goes to comfort Michael and I can't help but find it weird that while she's all over Maria for being ready to throw her life away, she can't wait to go comfort Michael. What the hell is that about, Lizardbreath? You don't even know the guy, but I fully expected her to slip him her number or something and mention that Jeffrey's...open to ideas.
  The book ends with everyone happy expect Aaron Dallas who has been periodically showing up throughout the book ready to choke a bitch. Obviously the set up for the next book. Dun-dun-dunnnnn!


Trivial Matters:

• Jessica complains about having to wait around after school for cheerleading practice on a Friday, but wouldn't Fridays be a big game day? Or are we finally in the off-season? Or is this one of those regional differences where just because 99% of our big sporting events were Thursday/Friday, California's wouldn't be? Well, maybe just fictional Cali?


• Oh, and it must be the off season as there are no sports mentioned except for Michael's tennis game. What is it with these books and tennis?


• What you need to know about Maria: Brunette, she's sixteen, and in my head? She looks nothing like the cover. In reality, who knows. They don't really go on about her looks. However, we are told that she's into cheerleading, PBA, helping Winston run for the PTA/Student Council rep... and it's implied she's got a whole bunch of other activities going on.


• Michael is 17, a senior, drives a trans am, is tall with dark hair, warm hazel eyes, a "healthy" suntan, is well groomed, has glasses and freckles. He's very studious and worked part time as a mechanic at the filling station to afford Maria's ring.


• Maria is organizing an Outward Bound summer project and is worried about not having enough people to pull it off. Liz worries that getting married would kill her ability to pull it off.


• The Wakefields have a new hammock that Ned just hung up... and Jeffrey and Liz waste no time lounging around in it. I'd mock, but I'm missing ours like mad, so they get a pass.


• Liz makes a comment about how the sun is bleaching Jeffrey's hair, making her hormones race that much more. Fair enough, but in every picture I recall of good old Jeffrey, he's the bleach blond boy. He's the blondest blond in all the Valley, so how in the hell could it get any lighter?


• Maria's engagement ring is a small, perfectly round diamond set in a slender gold band. It has the ability to dazzle all those around it, apart from Michael or Maria.


• M&M met up again for the film society.


• Michael proposed while they were out at Secca Lake looking at the stars.


• Maria's fake boyfriend is Josh.


• Michael has an older sister named Kate. She's 23. She's marrying some dude named Richard. They both sound so boring that I get sleepy looking at their names in connection with this book. Which is funny when you consider that Maria's beef with the couple is that they fight all the damn time.


• Maria has a little sister, Diane.


• Mike drops Maria off on Orange Street, two blocks from her house.


• Jaworski has tortoiseshell glasses.


• Pairs for Jaworski's class: Jessica & Winston are picked first. He's a bus driver, she works part time at the beauty parlor and they have seven kids. He makes seventeen thousand dollars a year, she makes six, and spends half of that on clothes and "entertainment." I figure she's paying some dude to strip, though I don't know why. I'd imagine even after seven kids she'd have enough Jessica-ness to trick a guy into turning tricks...


• Liz & Bruce. He's a doctor, she's a fourth grade teacher, and they've got two kids, a boy who's seven and a girl who's nine. Liz is happy to be Bruce's partner. I wish for old Bruce as that would have made this interesting.


• Maria and Michael. He's a vet, she's a housewife. Their twelve-year old son has sticky fingers and isn't good enough to avoid getting busted shoplifting. Michael's okay with spanking, Maria's all ready to talk it out.


• Olivia and Jeffrey co-won a metal business. They keep throwing Liv and Jeff together, you ever notice?


• Lila & Bill Chase. Bill's unemployed and Li's a short order cook. Good lord, those two are screwed.


• Enid & Ken. She's an actress and he's a coach. For some reason, each time I read that little bit, I thought to myself, dammit, I want Enid and Ken together. Which... I'll get to in a moment.


• Amy & Roger. She's a lawyer, he's a banker. She's thrilled that they're loaded.


• Lila's mentioned as having a perm. I call bullshit... and then wonder if Stacey was visiting... (oh, the shame!)


• Lila wants to book M&M on the Newlywed Game. ...no.


• Michael's older sister Kate has a birthday sometime during this whole fiasco. He buys her a scarf that Maria helped him pick out. Mostly I think he just wanted to keep Maria from Winston.


• The feud happened because Santelli found out that their client, Mr. Hendrickson was a shady businessman, and so he dropped him as a client. Harris found out, somehow saw this as Santelli double-dealing, and thus the mother of all stupid fights breaks out. Guys, grow up. You aren't toddlers.


• Maria thinks Michael's mother is a hypochondriac and if they have to wait until she feels better, they'll all die of old age first. That's pretty bitchy, Maria. Especially since earlier in the book she tries to convince us she never says anything bad about his family until that comment about Kate & Richard. She just thinks it, I guess.


• Winston can usually be found under the big shade tree on the front lawn at SVH.


• Maria lies and tells Winston she's decided to take up piano lessons again, and Mrs. Haywood is only available Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. Right, like you couldn't have put it off a week.


• Maria tries to enlist Liz to take her place, but Liz is too busy with Jeffrey and doing Oracle stuff with Jeffrey [dirty!] and frankly thinks it's awfully shitty of Maria to pull out of her commitment to Winston and then try and replace herself without talking to Winston. Um, Liz? She did, so shove it.


• Jessica and Winston's house is ruined, so they end up living in the back of his school bus.... or something. Except they don't have a house according to their presentation later. They live in an apartment and Jess says she doesn't see the big deal with owning a house anyway. That little spaz in the corner hopping up and down with a sign? That's me. That sign? Says "Bullshit!" Like Jessica would want to live in a [not even] ghetto fabulous apartment complex? Please.


• Lila's door-answering maid for the party is Lucinda.


• Their cover for getting M&M to show up? Lila's super cute cousin Christopher is back in the picture.


• Lydia Pearce is Caroline's mother. She's been divorced for years and the implication is that she's a bit insufferable... like her daughter perhaps. She's going to the new spy thriller [Bond!] with her friend Alice Simon and runs into the Santellis. She congratulates them on the engagement of their teenage daughter and needless to say Frank and Cindy ain't thrilled.


• If you wanted the parental names: Sally Harris, Frank and Cindy Santelli.


• The Droids wrote a song for Michael & Maria. "Hold On Tight." Good job, guys. About two seconds later, the couple in question breaks up.


• Winston's mother had him take ballroom dancing classes. One presumes this is after nearly crippling Jessica at the start of the year?


• Anne Davis is in charge of the PTA/Student Council race. Woo for her.


• The Santelli/Harris feud lasted four years.


• Also running for this prestigious honor: Lisa Walton [Winston's only real competition], Jimmy Reed, and Brian Klein.


• Collins gave Aaron a C- on an English paper and Aaron is ready to kill someone. Um, next time do better.

Quotables:

   "Liz, don't you wish Jeffrey's parents were feuding with Mom and Dad? Don't you think it would make everything more interesting between you two?" - Ah, Jessica... your brain scares me. p5

   "Boy, Ricky really knows how to tire a girl out." - Annie, you really, really need to watch how you word things. p20

   "Remember, it's got to be a secret. Who should we invite?"
   Within minutes Jessica and Lila had ticked off the first thirty people who came to mind.
   "I don't know, you guys," Cara said anxiously. "Didn't Maria say she and Michael want to keep this really quiet? Maybe having a big party isn't such a good idea. "
   "Who," Jessica demanded, "said anything about big?" - Right, any party you can only think of thirty people to invite within minutes is minuscule. p 32

   "Eight," Lila said. "Eight o'clock on the dot. After that, the servants get really grumpy, and besides, we might take Christopher out to a movie or something. So be sure to be there right on time." - Smooth, Fowler. Smooooooooth. p73

   "No engagement counts unless it's been broken at least twice." - So true, Jessie. So, so true. p104

   "Only you could try to discuss redistribution of wealth in terms of who would look better in a silver dress from Lisette's." - Liz, you sound surprised at the depth of Jessica's shallowness. p119



   Blah, blah, blah. I was dreading reading this one but it wasn't as bad as I feared. Thing is, I normally read these with my trusty notebook at my side for note taking. But every so often I go off and finish the book without the notebook and then I have to go back and pick up any "interesting" tidbits for you. It took me another week to touch this damn thing again, and even then only guilt and the knowledge that I would not be stopped by one of the lesser SVH books kept me going. So, if this is on your list but you've got a choice between this, and say... any other book up to this point? Pick the other book. This book should totally have been from Winston's point of view, but wasn't. We love you, Winston! Why do you get no love? Is it because in the future you will be the only guy on the show who doesn't make me want to stab myself repeatedly in any given episode?

  I really think that might be it. We love you. We do. We do not, however, love this book. Well, except for one moment.
  At the party, Jeffrey [I started to type Todd...] and Liz are dancing and Aaron Dallas is storming around the dance floor and runs into... Roger Collins. Who is obviously supposed to be Roger B. Patman, but the ghosty fell asleep at the wheel. But still, I have this mental picture of a meeker Mr. C dancing with Olivia. Frightening mental imagery...



Did you miss me? It's okay to say you did. I'll still love you in the morning.

Michael and Maria, but not the cute Roswell couple

Forbidden Love
February 1987


Will an engagement ring come between Maria and Michael?

Diamonds are forever...

   Maria Santelli's engagement to Michael Harris is the talk of Sweet Valley High, but they must keep it a secret from their parents. Years ago, the two families had a huge argument, and Michael and Maria were forbidden to see each other.
   At first, the sparkle in Maria's eyes nearly matches the sparkle in her diamond ring. But being engaged isn't as easy as Maria had expected. She's used to doing things on her own; but now Michael acts as if he owns her. He's even jealous of her helping Winston Egbert with his campaign for Student Council. Maria's beginning to think that she and Michael were happier before their engagement. Will Michael and Maria resolve their differences and go ahead with their wedding plans? Or will their secret engagement destroy their relationship forever?


   It took long enough for SVH to finally use that ever so popular star-crossed lovers idea. Naturally, they couldn't use one of the twins, as we'd have heard of a family feud by now. And Enid's already had her great romance and besides, her family's too new to SV to really get into a feud properly. Cara's paired up, Lila's not at all interested in Bruce [and he's taken anyway], and no one gives two damns about Amy Sutton. So... it's time to hit the B-list.
  I'm not actually sure Maria Santelli would qualify as the B-list since, thus far, all we know about her is that she's one of the nicer, more talented cheerleaders. Other characters would, and do, rank higher than her, but... she's got an in. She's a cheerleader, so obviously she's on the social A-list at SVH. Also, she's helping Winston with some campaign we haven't heard word one about prior to this. But really, Winston! Winston is firmly B-list, heading towards A-list material!
  But... we need that star-crossed angle, and Win isn't leading man material. I know! We'll give Maria a boyfriend no one knows about, say their family has been fighting for years, and we'll call it a day.

  And that's what they do. Michael Harris and Maria Santelli have been dating for a few months, only their parents don't know. A few years ago a business deal went south, and their fathers stopped speaking t one another. The mothers followed and the kids were no longer allowed to see one another, breaking up a pair of best friends. The kids go along with this until they're paired up for a class project and then suddenly sparks fly. The two tell their parents, and the parents tell them to find some other skank/himbo. So the pair lie and say they've broken up, although they totally keep dating.
  So, then Michael asks Maria to marry him, figuring once their parents see how serious they are, they'll at least come around a little and ease up on the feud. Except... for that to happen, Michael has to actually tell his parents.
  Which he doesn't want to, fearing how badly his father will take it. Fair enough, the parents aren't exactly being adults about the whole thing. But if a major part of asking Maria to marry you was to snap the parental units out of their funk, you actually. have. to. tell. them!

  Bah. Which is pretty much how frustrated Maria feels. Only she can't tell anyone because everyone else, including some of the boys [Rickkkkkyyyyyy!], thinks it's all so romantic and wonderful and epic... You get the idea. They're in love with the idea, even as they're horrified by the thought of going through the same thing themselves. Leading the, "Oh, good God, you've got to be kidding me" parade is Elizabeth Wakefield. for those who like their books with Liz prancing around with a pole shoved so far up her ass that... yeah, I'm going to stop there. Liz is riding high on her holier-than-thou-tude and is sure that M&M are heading for disaster because they're just far too young to be married.

  Which is where my younger self and I both scream, "JESUS! It's called a LONG ENGAGEMENT!" Not everyone gets married within months of getting engaged, and it would be perfectly reasonable for M&M to be engaged for half of forever before actually tying the knot. Hell, it sounds like Michael's older sister has had a fairly long engagement as well. So. Why. Can't. M&M?

  Because no one thinks of this. Michael and Maria don't seem to be rushing towards the altar, but Maria would like to come clean to their parents. It's funny how she's sure that a ring will dissolve all their problems, isn't it? Ah, to be sixteen and stupid.

  In a miraculous bit of timing, Mr. Jaworski is leading some special group that deals with that other teen staple: the fake marriage. Mmm. I still don't know why the history teacher is doing this, but maybe he's just a sucker for taking all the fun out of the future. He is a high school teacher, after all. Anyway, Mikey and Maria are paired up as husband and wife and for a moment everyone's sure this is a sign! It's fate!

  It's the end!

  M&M don't agree on a damn thing. Maria wants to work after she's married, and Mikey wants a stay-at-home wife and mother to his children. Maria is just this side of being a total bitch about any woman who makes that choice [there's a good reason I block much of this book from memory: I like to think I like Maria, and this book makes it difficult to do so.] and the couple also fight over whether to take their fictional juvenile delinquent of a son to therapy when he's busted shoplifting for a second time. Am I the only one who takes a moment to wish Lila had gotten that assignment? Cuz, whoa, would her face have turned a festive shade of purple...

  In a bold move there's not a whole lot of a B-plot. In fact, there isn't one. The closest we come are the twins sort of flitting around the idea of Maria's impending nuptials. Jessica and Lila are planning a surprise engagement party for the couple, while Liz and Jeffrey bond. Then, because that's too boring, Liz prances around for the rest of the book bitching about how Maria's too young to throw her life away. Again, I repeat, long engagement.

  Not that it matters since the second Winston appears, we realize he's in love with Maria and she's not half as devoted to Michael as she thinks. Yeah, yeah, there's some B.S. about Winston wanting to win the student council liaison with the PTA or something, but what he really wants is to get the girl.

  For the life of me, I don't understand why. Normally I would, as Maria's usually bubbly, bright, sweet but not terribly naive, and an all around fantastic sort of girl. But this book? She's bitchy as hell [and while I'm sure I'm not the only one willing to overlook, and possibly even applaud her bitching Liz out, it was a little out of character], whiny, unable to see why her fiance might not want her spending two days every week with a guy they both know has the hots for her, and, oh yeah, two seconds after breaking her engagement, she's out making out with another dude.
  Yup, at the engagement party, Michael makes an announcement that he's going to run for whatever thing Winston's been hoping for. Winston freaks and Maria tells Mikey he can shove his engagement. Michael is left to deal with the fallout of their romance when their parents arrive, having heard the great news from Caroline Pearce's mother. No one should be surprised that the gossip gene was passed along the maternal side in that family. That's right, Mikey is broken up with and then gets to deal with the "what the hell is wrong with you?" speeches. Only, since the engagement is broken, those speeches are cut sort of short. While Michael's dealing with that, Maria's out trying to convince Winston she had no idea Michael would say what he did, and that she's broken up with him and gosh, she's been single for two whole seconds, and Winston, have you been crying? Let me kiss it and make it all better.
  They don't return to the party for another thirty minutes... Draw your own conclusions.
  Oh, there's some bit where Liz goes to comfort Michael and I can't help but find it weird that while she's all over Maria for being ready to throw her life away, she can't wait to go comfort Michael. What the hell is that about, Lizardbreath? You don't even know the guy, but I fully expected her to slip him her number or something and mention that Jeffrey's...open to ideas.
  The book ends with everyone happy expect Aaron Dallas who has been periodically showing up throughout the book ready to choke a bitch. Obviously the set up for the next book. Dun-dun-dunnnnn!


Trivial Matters:

• Jessica complains about having to wait around after school for cheerleading practice on a Friday, but wouldn't Fridays be a big game day? Or are we finally in the off-season? Or is this one of those regional differences where just because 99% of our big sporting events were Thursday/Friday, California's wouldn't be? Well, maybe just fictional Cali?


• Oh, and it must be the off season as there are no sports mentioned except for Michael's tennis game. What is it with these books and tennis?


• What you need to know about Maria: Brunette, she's sixteen, and in my head? She looks nothing like the cover. In reality, who knows. They don't really go on about her looks. However, we are told that she's into cheerleading, PBA, helping Winston run for the PTA/Student Council rep... and it's implied she's got a whole bunch of other activities going on.


• Michael is 17, a senior, drives a trans am, is tall with dark hair, warm hazel eyes, a "healthy" suntan, is well groomed, has glasses and freckles. He's very studious and worked part time as a mechanic at the filling station to afford Maria's ring.


• Maria is organizing an Outward Bound summer project and is worried about not having enough people to pull it off. Liz worries that getting married would kill her ability to pull it off.


• The Wakefields have a new hammock that Ned just hung up... and Jeffrey and Liz waste no time lounging around in it. I'd mock, but I'm missing ours like mad, so they get a pass.


• Liz makes a comment about how the sun is bleaching Jeffrey's hair, making her hormones race that much more. Fair enough, but in every picture I recall of good old Jeffrey, he's the bleach blond boy. He's the blondest blond in all the Valley, so how in the hell could it get any lighter?


• Maria's engagement ring is a small, perfectly round diamond set in a slender gold band. It has the ability to dazzle all those around it, apart from Michael or Maria.


• M&M met up again for the film society.


• Michael proposed while they were out at Secca Lake looking at the stars.


• Maria's fake boyfriend is Josh.


• Michael has an older sister named Kate. She's 23. She's marrying some dude named Richard. They both sound so boring that I get sleepy looking at their names in connection with this book. Which is funny when you consider that Maria's beef with the couple is that they fight all the damn time.


• Maria has a little sister, Diane.


• Mike drops Maria off on Orange Street, two blocks from her house.


• Jaworski has tortoiseshell glasses.


• Pairs for Jaworski's class: Jessica & Winston are picked first. He's a bus driver, she works part time at the beauty parlor and they have seven kids. He makes seventeen thousand dollars a year, she makes six, and spends half of that on clothes and "entertainment." I figure she's paying some dude to strip, though I don't know why. I'd imagine even after seven kids she'd have enough Jessica-ness to trick a guy into turning tricks...


• Liz & Bruce. He's a doctor, she's a fourth grade teacher, and they've got two kids, a boy who's seven and a girl who's nine. Liz is happy to be Bruce's partner. I wish for old Bruce as that would have made this interesting.


• Maria and Michael. He's a vet, she's a housewife. Their twelve-year old son has sticky fingers and isn't good enough to avoid getting busted shoplifting. Michael's okay with spanking, Maria's all ready to talk it out.


• Olivia and Jeffrey co-won a metal business. They keep throwing Liv and Jeff together, you ever notice?


• Lila & Bill Chase. Bill's unemployed and Li's a short order cook. Good lord, those two are screwed.


• Enid & Ken. She's an actress and he's a coach. For some reason, each time I read that little bit, I thought to myself, dammit, I want Enid and Ken together. Which... I'll get to in a moment.


• Amy & Roger. She's a lawyer, he's a banker. She's thrilled that they're loaded.


• Lila's mentioned as having a perm. I call bullshit... and then wonder if Stacey was visiting... (oh, the shame!)


• Lila wants to book M&M on the Newlywed Game. ...no.


• Michael's older sister Kate has a birthday sometime during this whole fiasco. He buys her a scarf that Maria helped him pick out. Mostly I think he just wanted to keep Maria from Winston.


• The feud happened because Santelli found out that their client, Mr. Hendrickson was a shady businessman, and so he dropped him as a client. Harris found out, somehow saw this as Santelli double-dealing, and thus the mother of all stupid fights breaks out. Guys, grow up. You aren't toddlers.


• Maria thinks Michael's mother is a hypochondriac and if they have to wait until she feels better, they'll all die of old age first. That's pretty bitchy, Maria. Especially since earlier in the book she tries to convince us she never says anything bad about his family until that comment about Kate & Richard. She just thinks it, I guess.


• Winston can usually be found under the big shade tree on the front lawn at SVH.


• Maria lies and tells Winston she's decided to take up piano lessons again, and Mrs. Haywood is only available Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. Right, like you couldn't have put it off a week.


• Maria tries to enlist Liz to take her place, but Liz is too busy with Jeffrey and doing Oracle stuff with Jeffrey [dirty!] and frankly thinks it's awfully shitty of Maria to pull out of her commitment to Winston and then try and replace herself without talking to Winston. Um, Liz? She did, so shove it.


• Jessica and Winston's house is ruined, so they end up living in the back of his school bus.... or something. Except they don't have a house according to their presentation later. They live in an apartment and Jess says she doesn't see the big deal with owning a house anyway. That little spaz in the corner hopping up and down with a sign? That's me. That sign? Says "Bullshit!" Like Jessica would want to live in a [not even] ghetto fabulous apartment complex? Please.


• Lila's door-answering maid for the party is Lucinda.


• Their cover for getting M&M to show up? Lila's super cute cousin Christopher is back in the picture.


• Lydia Pearce is Caroline's mother. She's been divorced for years and the implication is that she's a bit insufferable... like her daughter perhaps. She's going to the new spy thriller [Bond!] with her friend Alice Simon and runs into the Santellis. She congratulates them on the engagement of their teenage daughter and needless to say Frank and Cindy ain't thrilled.


• If you wanted the parental names: Sally Harris, Frank and Cindy Santelli.


• The Droids wrote a song for Michael & Maria. "Hold On Tight." Good job, guys. About two seconds later, the couple in question breaks up.


• Winston's mother had him take ballroom dancing classes. One presumes this is after nearly crippling Jessica at the start of the year?


• Anne Davis is in charge of the PTA/Student Council race. Woo for her.


• The Santelli/Harris feud lasted four years.


• Also running for this prestigious honor: Lisa Walton [Winston's only real competition], Jimmy Reed, and Brian Klein.


• Collins gave Aaron a C- on an English paper and Aaron is ready to kill someone. Um, next time do better.

Quotables:

   "Liz, don't you wish Jeffrey's parents were feuding with Mom and Dad? Don't you think it would make everything more interesting between you two?" - Ah, Jessica... your brain scares me. p5

   "Boy, Ricky really knows how to tire a girl out." - Annie, you really, really need to watch how you word things. p20

   "Remember, it's got to be a secret. Who should we invite?"
   Within minutes Jessica and Lila had ticked off the first thirty people who came to mind.
   "I don't know, you guys," Cara said anxiously. "Didn't Maria say she and Michael want to keep this really quiet? Maybe having a big party isn't such a good idea. "
   "Who," Jessica demanded, "said anything about big?" - Right, any party you can only think of thirty people to invite within minutes is minuscule. p 32

   "Eight," Lila said. "Eight o'clock on the dot. After that, the servants get really grumpy, and besides, we might take Christopher out to a movie or something. So be sure to be there right on time." - Smooth, Fowler. Smooooooooth. p73

   "No engagement counts unless it's been broken at least twice." - So true, Jessie. So, so true. p104

   "Only you could try to discuss redistribution of wealth in terms of who would look better in a silver dress from Lisette's." - Liz, you sound surprised at the depth of Jessica's shallowness. p119



   Blah, blah, blah. I was dreading reading this one but it wasn't as bad as I feared. Thing is, I normally read these with my trusty notebook at my side for note taking. But every so often I go off and finish the book without the notebook and then I have to go back and pick up any "interesting" tidbits for you. It took me another week to touch this damn thing again, and even then only guilt and the knowledge that I would not be stopped by one of the lesser SVH books kept me going. So, if this is on your list but you've got a choice between this, and say... any other book up to this point? Pick the other book. This book should totally have been from Winston's point of view, but wasn't. We love you, Winston! Why do you get no love? Is it because in the future you will be the only guy on the show who doesn't make me want to stab myself repeatedly in any given episode?

  I really think that might be it. We love you. We do. We do not, however, love this book. Well, except for one moment.
  At the party, Jeffrey [I started to type Todd...] and Liz are dancing and Aaron Dallas is storming around the dance floor and runs into... Roger Collins. Who is obviously supposed to be Roger B. Patman, but the ghosty fell asleep at the wheel. But still, I have this mental picture of a meeker Mr. C dancing with Olivia. Frightening mental imagery...



Did you miss me? It's okay to say you did. I'll still love you in the morning.