Girl's got daddy issues

Family Secrets
May 1988


What's the secret that's hurting Kelly Bates?

See no evil...

   Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield are thrilled when their cousin Kelly Bates arrives in Sweet Valley. Kelly's mother is planning to remarry and hopes that living with the Wakefields for a while will prepare Kelly for life with a new stepfather and two stepbrothers.
  As soon as Kelly arrives she shocks her cousins by going out with troublemaker Kirk Anderson. Then she announces her plans to stay in Sweet Valley and live with her father. She says he's the perfect dad, but that's not the way it looks to the twins. Their cousin seems to have a blind spot when it comes to her father, as well as to Kirk. Will Kelly find out what's keeping her from seeing the truth?



  Anyone else remember cousin Kelly? She pops up in most of the series from time to time, probably around the time this book came out, and exists for two reasons.
   1) To moon over her father and wax poetic about how wonderful he is while Alice Wakefield does everything short of shooting herself in the head to keep from correcting her niece. Everyone else can see Greg Bates is scum, but no one says anything to Kelly because she's got Daddy Issues, only more so than Lila. Let me repeat that: someone else out-Daddy-issued Lila Fowler.
   2) Kelly is the twins' triplet. Only not. But it's close enough to confuse the heck out of people.


  This might actually be the quickest re-read I've ever done. Even with note taking it took no time at all. Probably because there's very little to say. Kelly's mother is getting remarried to a doctor who has two sons of his own. Due to the aforementioned Daddy Issues, Kelly's been an unholy terror to live with, so Laura sends her daughter to live with her sister in Sweet Valley.
   Everyone on the Valley side of things is excited as can be. Kelly needs a good dose of Wakefield love and this way they're assured of being front and center for the next round of crazy family feuds. Yay! I mean, uh, it's been eight years since anyone's seen Kelly [I call foul since I think she appears at least once in the twins series, but we all know continuity goes straight to hell in one series, let alone mixing two or more] and they can't wait to see whether she still looks freakishly similar to our very own stars of the series, Elizabeth and Jessica.

  I'll kill the dramatic tension and assure you that she does. The cover, she does not lie. Kelly and the twins are excited as can be about this and almost immediately accidentally begin dressing alike. Which causes the cover joy. Also, almost immediately, Kelly begins the "I love my Daddy" talks which bore me to tears and annoy anyone around her because it's a little creepy and really, if he's so great, why don't you see him more often? That's right, he and George Fowler are out partying it up in Paris while their daughters are back home being miserable. At least Lila's got a bathroom with a jacuzzi back home. Poor Kelly's got a mother so hellbent on NOT poisoning her daughter's mind against her ex that she refuses to warn Kelly that her father's temper is legendary.
  To distract her from her father, the twins decide to hook Kelly up with Nicholas Morrow, and as a kid I was all for this pairing. He can't have Liz, he doesn't want Jess, why not gift him with the cousin who looks eerily like Liz and acts more like her, too? Perfect! And Nicholas seems just as interested, as he invites her to the costume party at the Country Club within minutes of meeting the girl. Kelly is flattered and for a moment you think maybe something will go Nicholas' way. Yeah, right.
  While playing tennis with Jessica, Kelly meets Kirk Anderson. You might remember him as the guy who tried to humiliate Penny and was 'fixed' by Elizabeth's little scheme to have the twins' model cousin go out with Kirk, only of course their cousin isn't a model and Kirk was stood up. To get payback for the payback, Kirk woos Kelly and because Kelly's got daddy issues, she falls for him.
  He also invites her to the party and because she's got the hots for him, Kelly agrees. Eventually she lets Nicholas down, but not before I'm a little creeped out. See, when Nicholas asked her out, he was a little too into the fact that they looked so identical, so he suggested they go as a three-for-the-price-of-one thing, which the girls agreed to happily enough. Then he pushed this three blind mice thing and I learned a little too much about Nich's kink to ever look at him the same way again. Seriously, it's a little on the weird side, okay?

   It doesn't take long for us to realize that Kirk hasn't changed his ways at all, no matter what he told Kelly. He shows up late with relatively lame excuses, runs off to talk to his ex-girlfriend and lingers a little too long, leaves parties with said ex, and always, always, ALWAYS has an excuse. If there's one thing I learned early on in life, someone who always has an excuse? Yeah, they're an asshole. They're also up to something. Jessica and Elizabeth are floored when Kelly continues to keep seeing him, but Liz quickly realizes that Kelly is blind to Kirk's faults because they are exactly the same as her father's.
  Even when rumours of his infidelity pop up, Kelly refuses to believe anything bad about Kirk. Which is why, when it comes time to decide which will be the See-No-Evil monkey in their See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil costumes, Kelly's an automatic lock for See No. Liz is voted Speak No Evil, and Jess is left with Hear No Evil. Not entirely sure whether any of those three would have fit the youngest Wakefield twin, but whatever.
  They all go to the party and everyone loves their outfits once Enid guesses just who/what they are. Kelly leaves early with Kirk who seems to go from zero to sixty in no time flat. Earlier Cara warned Kelly that Kirk was a little, well, fast, and Kelly marveled at the notion because they hadn't even kissed yet, and they'd been seeing each other for at least a week at that point. Kirk drives Kelly out to Miller's Point and seems to believe that one kiss deserves to go straight to groping and that should, naturally, lead to more. He accuses her of being a tease and she tells him to back the fuck off, scrambles to her feet, and kicks the boy in the shins. He freaks out and starts throwing beer bottles. The sound of breaking glass unlocks something in Kelly's memory and the world kind of goes sideways for a moment.

   Your B story, if one could consider it that, was Kelly's recurring nightmare that she's unable to remember upon waking. She just knows it's so bad that she wakes up crying, unable to go back to sleep because the vague memory of it scares her too badly.
   Turns out the dream was real. It was the night her mother left her father because he was so furious and out of it that he kept throwing things around the kitchen, breaking stuff left and right. Kelly was hiding under the kitchen table as her parents fought, and even when Laura slid under the table to tell Kelly to get to the neighbor's and call the police, Kelly was too afraid to move.
  Because Kelly apparently blocked the memory, Laura never told Kelly why exactly she left Greg. She was afraid that the moment she said one bad thing about her ex, she'd be unable to stop. Fair enough, except that Kelly hadn't entirely blocked the memory and I think 8 years of relatively crappy sleep might contribute greatly to Kelly's less than stellar relationship with her mother.
  So, Kelly freaks out and refuses to get back in Kirk's white Trans Am. He drives off and somewhere along the line Jeanie and Tom pick Kelly up. Good thing since only Elizabeth had shoes, and I'm betting she left 'em in the Fiat. Anyway, they drop Kelly off at the Wakefield's just as Liz and Jeffrey [dressed as a wino] are about to go inside and binge on ice cream. Kelly tells Liz what she remembered and Liz puts her to bed while she waits for the rest of her family to come home. When they do, conveniently all at the same time, she tells him and Alice calls Laura, who hops the first flight from Tucson. Mother and daughter talk for two hours Sunday morning and it's all peachy with a side order of keen. Kelly's leaving a month and a half early, but at least we don't have to suffer through more of her, "But my Daddy loves me!" crap. Seriously, honey, he blew off your birthday. Arrived late, didn't bring a present, and left early. We call that an asshole.
   Our cliff-hanger is something about Robin being accepted early admission to Sarah Lawrence College, but in reality we'll be going forward in time to Summer so we can hang out with the intern twins again for On The Run. Yay!


Trivia:

• Jessica is again referred to as Hurricane Jessica. It's called trivia, and I like knowing when she's a force of nature.


• Gasp! Jessica is awake before Elizabeth on a Saturday morning because she's so excited about Kelly's arrival. Awww.


• Kelly is set to room with Jessica for the first month and then with Liz for the second month of her stay. Torture her with messiness and then let her mess up Liz's room once she's been turned to the slob ways. Well played, Ned and Alice. Well played.


• Steven's up at Puget Sound for some research project. If you play the PS drinking game, you might want to check your liver's health beforehand.


• Eight years ago, Laura fled SV and never really told anyone, not even her sister, Alice, why. After she was safely out of town, she filed for divorce from Greg.


• Alice just assumed that Laura finally got fed up with Greg's temper and his cheating ways. Mostly she seems to have assumed Greg had someone semi-serious on the side.


• When Kelly tries to play the Which Twin Is Which game at the airport, she fails.


• Later on, Greg will play this game at Casa Wakefield and he will win.


• Kelly and Liz both loved Alice's Adventures In Wonderland as kids and acted out the Mad Hatter's tea party, crazy croquet game, and both write poetry and work for their school papers. So why is she rooming with Jess first?


• Kelly is quickly enrolled at SVH for her two-month stint as a Wakefield.


• Within seconds of arriving, Jess and Liz detail how they play to hook Kelly up with Nicholas Morrow. Jess goes on an on about how amazing Nich is and when Kelly asks what the catch is, Liz points out that Regina just died and everyone is bummed once more. WOE. The other catch, Kelly, is that he's been in love with Elizabeth since he appeared on the scene. But no one tells her that.


• Jess does marvel that it seems exceptionally wrong to be helping someone else snag Nicholas since she's STILL got the hots for him. Agreed, Jess. Your Sainthood will be put on the docket immediately.


• The cover scene actually sort of happens on K's first day at SVH. Kelly wears a pink shirt to match Jessica's t-shirt from airport day and we'll just assume it's purple like the cover, and Liz has worn her blue tee, and they're wearing little denim miniskirts. Liz, I should mention, does this totally by accident, not realizing what the other two are planning.


• The girls of SVH detail the ways K does not look exactly like the twins: her hair is a shade darker and not as wavy, her eyes are green, her cheekbones are higher, and she has a narrower face. Truthfully, that last one aside, she sounds prettier. *runs from the SVH mob*


• 15-0-20. Kelly's locker combo.


• Robin Wilson is in the Four County Diving Championship. Woo?


• Kelly, like everyone else, adores Mr. Collins.


• Olivia has chem class with Kelly.


• Kelly has nightmares that are so bad that she cries in her sleep but cannot remember anything concrete about them when she wakes.


• The DB has pinball machines and video games. Great, now I'd kill for a cheeseburger.


• Greg Bates has black hair, a rogue-ish, self mocking smile, dark eyes, and oozes charm. He's so hot that Jess forgets for a moment that he was family. Make of that what you will.


• K is invited to the Country Club costume party a week from Saturday.


• Jess wanted to use ostrich plumes for her CC costume party costume.


• Kelly suggests the Three Musketeers and Nich suggests the 3 Blind Mice. Later Liz will suggest the Bronte sisters.


• Kelly stomps all over Jess during tennis. No!


• Alice spent $35 at Sport Zone on Jessica's new cheer leading uniform, a small fortune at Book Worm for Liz's reference books, and we know this because Ned is freaking out over a credit card statement.


• Greg says he'll be in the Valley [yes, actually in the Valley!] at 5pm. He runs a little late and doesn't appear until 6:30.


• Lila's bathroom has a jacuzzi, two sinks, mirrors everywhere, and fantastic lighting. And you really expected less?


• Whenever someone says they're keeping it real, or that someone is a real person, and they don't mean, "Hey, I know the real -someone whose name is shared by fictional character but in this case we don't actually mean the fictional person-" I want to bitchslap whomever. Because it's fucking stupid is what it is.


• Marci Kaplan is a willowy brunette who happens to be Kirk the Jerk's ex/not quite so ex as K thought.


• Kelly is reading Tess of the d'Urbervilles in study hall.


• K is roped into writing A Stranger's View of Sweet Valley High after she turns down writing a piece on how the Valley has changed since she last lived there. Penny demands a hook/gimmick.


• For whatever reason the girls in the shower room at SVH are singing Rubber Duckie.


• There's a pre-dinner party at the Wakefields for Kelly's birthday.


• Aunt Laura sends Kelly flowers: roses, carnations, lilies, freesias, snapdragons, and floating ferns. Initially Kelly thinks they're from her father, but the pink card tells her otherwise. Suddenly they go from "So beautiful, you shouldn't have!" to "ugh, tryhard." Miracles do happen!


• Greg waxes poetic about a beautiful antique writing desk in Paris, but he didn't want K to wait for a present, as shipping would take forever, so... he brought nothing. Yeah, wha?


• Liz and I agree that Greg is an ass.


• Jess is very crafty and really gets into her 3 No Evils costumes.


• Jess also apparently babysits for Steven's professors.


• Liz drove to the costume party [and thus the only one with shoes]. She was Speak No Evil, Jess was Hear No Evil, and Kelly was See No Evil.


• For those playing along at home, The Droids played Dance Bop, an original of theirs. My ears bleed at the mere thought.


• Lila dresses as Princess Di, Enid is a hippie, Jeffrey is a wino, Susan Stewart is Rita Hayworth, Ken is Donald Duck, Robin wore a wet suit, Kirk was a pirate, Winston won most creative for coming as a bunch of grapes, and Sandy won most authentic for her Mexican dress she borrowed from Manuel's family.


• Robin is accepted early admittance to Sarah Lawrence College.

Quote-a-luscious:



"She tried some cocaine, and it did something weird to her heart. She went into a coma and died." -Regina in a nutshell, courtesy of Jess. p12

"Come on, it's no big deal. We've doubled up lots of times. You can sit on Liz's lap."
"She's so generous with other people's laps." Jess/Liz, p17/18

"You're in a unique position, living with the infamous Wakefield twins. How about writing an expose: 'The Secret Life of Elizabeth and Jessica- The True Story.'" - Oh, Penny... p24

"You know," Jessica muttered, "It's pretty mind boggling to think I'm helping to fix Nicholas up with someone else. Even if she is my cousin." - p29

Jessica scowled. Kelly's complaints about her mother didn't impress her. All mothers acted that way, Jessica wanted to point out. That's just the way they were., - So wise, Jess. p56

"That's how I think of you-as a totally real person." You are so lame, Kirk. SO LAME. p80



   As a kid I really liked this one. I don't know why. Maybe because nothing really happened, but the idea of having a cousin stay that long and have that much fun while there seemed fantastic. Particularly because it was the closest I knew I'd ever get to having a sister, and I sort of wanted one of mine to come stay for awhile. Naturally I was glossing over the fact that my cousins and I didn't get along for the first two hours of any given visit, and usually the last hour was a little dicey, too.
  Of course, as a kid I thought Kelly's preoccupation with her father and his inability to see his glaring faults was more than a little annoying, too. Still, I loved the idea of a third Wakefield twin [I know, but bear with me and we'll cut out the triplet speak] and Kelly herself seemed like she'd be fun. A mix of the twins, you know?
   Still don't fully understand why they didn't just put Kelly in Steven's room while he was away because it takes him two weeks to show up.




This has been mostly done for ages. I'm just that much of a slacker. Didja miss me?

Girl's got daddy issues

Family Secrets
May 1988


What's the secret that's hurting Kelly Bates?

See no evil...

   Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield are thrilled when their cousin Kelly Bates arrives in Sweet Valley. Kelly's mother is planning to remarry and hopes that living with the Wakefields for a while will prepare Kelly for life with a new stepfather and two stepbrothers.
  As soon as Kelly arrives she shocks her cousins by going out with troublemaker Kirk Anderson. Then she announces her plans to stay in Sweet Valley and live with her father. She says he's the perfect dad, but that's not the way it looks to the twins. Their cousin seems to have a blind spot when it comes to her father, as well as to Kirk. Will Kelly find out what's keeping her from seeing the truth?



  Anyone else remember cousin Kelly? She pops up in most of the series from time to time, probably around the time this book came out, and exists for two reasons.
   1) To moon over her father and wax poetic about how wonderful he is while Alice Wakefield does everything short of shooting herself in the head to keep from correcting her niece. Everyone else can see Greg Bates is scum, but no one says anything to Kelly because she's got Daddy Issues, only more so than Lila. Let me repeat that: someone else out-Daddy-issued Lila Fowler.
   2) Kelly is the twins' triplet. Only not. But it's close enough to confuse the heck out of people.


  This might actually be the quickest re-read I've ever done. Even with note taking it took no time at all. Probably because there's very little to say. Kelly's mother is getting remarried to a doctor who has two sons of his own. Due to the aforementioned Daddy Issues, Kelly's been an unholy terror to live with, so Laura sends her daughter to live with her sister in Sweet Valley.
   Everyone on the Valley side of things is excited as can be. Kelly needs a good dose of Wakefield love and this way they're assured of being front and center for the next round of crazy family feuds. Yay! I mean, uh, it's been eight years since anyone's seen Kelly [I call foul since I think she appears at least once in the twins series, but we all know continuity goes straight to hell in one series, let alone mixing two or more] and they can't wait to see whether she still looks freakishly similar to our very own stars of the series, Elizabeth and Jessica.

  I'll kill the dramatic tension and assure you that she does. The cover, she does not lie. Kelly and the twins are excited as can be about this and almost immediately accidentally begin dressing alike. Which causes the cover joy. Also, almost immediately, Kelly begins the "I love my Daddy" talks which bore me to tears and annoy anyone around her because it's a little creepy and really, if he's so great, why don't you see him more often? That's right, he and George Fowler are out partying it up in Paris while their daughters are back home being miserable. At least Lila's got a bathroom with a jacuzzi back home. Poor Kelly's got a mother so hellbent on NOT poisoning her daughter's mind against her ex that she refuses to warn Kelly that her father's temper is legendary.
  To distract her from her father, the twins decide to hook Kelly up with Nicholas Morrow, and as a kid I was all for this pairing. He can't have Liz, he doesn't want Jess, why not gift him with the cousin who looks eerily like Liz and acts more like her, too? Perfect! And Nicholas seems just as interested, as he invites her to the costume party at the Country Club within minutes of meeting the girl. Kelly is flattered and for a moment you think maybe something will go Nicholas' way. Yeah, right.
  While playing tennis with Jessica, Kelly meets Kirk Anderson. You might remember him as the guy who tried to humiliate Penny and was 'fixed' by Elizabeth's little scheme to have the twins' model cousin go out with Kirk, only of course their cousin isn't a model and Kirk was stood up. To get payback for the payback, Kirk woos Kelly and because Kelly's got daddy issues, she falls for him.
  He also invites her to the party and because she's got the hots for him, Kelly agrees. Eventually she lets Nicholas down, but not before I'm a little creeped out. See, when Nicholas asked her out, he was a little too into the fact that they looked so identical, so he suggested they go as a three-for-the-price-of-one thing, which the girls agreed to happily enough. Then he pushed this three blind mice thing and I learned a little too much about Nich's kink to ever look at him the same way again. Seriously, it's a little on the weird side, okay?

   It doesn't take long for us to realize that Kirk hasn't changed his ways at all, no matter what he told Kelly. He shows up late with relatively lame excuses, runs off to talk to his ex-girlfriend and lingers a little too long, leaves parties with said ex, and always, always, ALWAYS has an excuse. If there's one thing I learned early on in life, someone who always has an excuse? Yeah, they're an asshole. They're also up to something. Jessica and Elizabeth are floored when Kelly continues to keep seeing him, but Liz quickly realizes that Kelly is blind to Kirk's faults because they are exactly the same as her father's.
  Even when rumours of his infidelity pop up, Kelly refuses to believe anything bad about Kirk. Which is why, when it comes time to decide which will be the See-No-Evil monkey in their See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil costumes, Kelly's an automatic lock for See No. Liz is voted Speak No Evil, and Jess is left with Hear No Evil. Not entirely sure whether any of those three would have fit the youngest Wakefield twin, but whatever.
  They all go to the party and everyone loves their outfits once Enid guesses just who/what they are. Kelly leaves early with Kirk who seems to go from zero to sixty in no time flat. Earlier Cara warned Kelly that Kirk was a little, well, fast, and Kelly marveled at the notion because they hadn't even kissed yet, and they'd been seeing each other for at least a week at that point. Kirk drives Kelly out to Miller's Point and seems to believe that one kiss deserves to go straight to groping and that should, naturally, lead to more. He accuses her of being a tease and she tells him to back the fuck off, scrambles to her feet, and kicks the boy in the shins. He freaks out and starts throwing beer bottles. The sound of breaking glass unlocks something in Kelly's memory and the world kind of goes sideways for a moment.

   Your B story, if one could consider it that, was Kelly's recurring nightmare that she's unable to remember upon waking. She just knows it's so bad that she wakes up crying, unable to go back to sleep because the vague memory of it scares her too badly.
   Turns out the dream was real. It was the night her mother left her father because he was so furious and out of it that he kept throwing things around the kitchen, breaking stuff left and right. Kelly was hiding under the kitchen table as her parents fought, and even when Laura slid under the table to tell Kelly to get to the neighbor's and call the police, Kelly was too afraid to move.
  Because Kelly apparently blocked the memory, Laura never told Kelly why exactly she left Greg. She was afraid that the moment she said one bad thing about her ex, she'd be unable to stop. Fair enough, except that Kelly hadn't entirely blocked the memory and I think 8 years of relatively crappy sleep might contribute greatly to Kelly's less than stellar relationship with her mother.
  So, Kelly freaks out and refuses to get back in Kirk's white Trans Am. He drives off and somewhere along the line Jeanie and Tom pick Kelly up. Good thing since only Elizabeth had shoes, and I'm betting she left 'em in the Fiat. Anyway, they drop Kelly off at the Wakefield's just as Liz and Jeffrey [dressed as a wino] are about to go inside and binge on ice cream. Kelly tells Liz what she remembered and Liz puts her to bed while she waits for the rest of her family to come home. When they do, conveniently all at the same time, she tells him and Alice calls Laura, who hops the first flight from Tucson. Mother and daughter talk for two hours Sunday morning and it's all peachy with a side order of keen. Kelly's leaving a month and a half early, but at least we don't have to suffer through more of her, "But my Daddy loves me!" crap. Seriously, honey, he blew off your birthday. Arrived late, didn't bring a present, and left early. We call that an asshole.
   Our cliff-hanger is something about Robin being accepted early admission to Sarah Lawrence College, but in reality we'll be going forward in time to Summer so we can hang out with the intern twins again for On The Run. Yay!


Trivia:

• Jessica is again referred to as Hurricane Jessica. It's called trivia, and I like knowing when she's a force of nature.


• Gasp! Jessica is awake before Elizabeth on a Saturday morning because she's so excited about Kelly's arrival. Awww.


• Kelly is set to room with Jessica for the first month and then with Liz for the second month of her stay. Torture her with messiness and then let her mess up Liz's room once she's been turned to the slob ways. Well played, Ned and Alice. Well played.


• Steven's up at Puget Sound for some research project. If you play the PS drinking game, you might want to check your liver's health beforehand.


• Eight years ago, Laura fled SV and never really told anyone, not even her sister, Alice, why. After she was safely out of town, she filed for divorce from Greg.


• Alice just assumed that Laura finally got fed up with Greg's temper and his cheating ways. Mostly she seems to have assumed Greg had someone semi-serious on the side.


• When Kelly tries to play the Which Twin Is Which game at the airport, she fails.


• Later on, Greg will play this game at Casa Wakefield and he will win.


• Kelly and Liz both loved Alice's Adventures In Wonderland as kids and acted out the Mad Hatter's tea party, crazy croquet game, and both write poetry and work for their school papers. So why is she rooming with Jess first?


• Kelly is quickly enrolled at SVH for her two-month stint as a Wakefield.


• Within seconds of arriving, Jess and Liz detail how they play to hook Kelly up with Nicholas Morrow. Jess goes on an on about how amazing Nich is and when Kelly asks what the catch is, Liz points out that Regina just died and everyone is bummed once more. WOE. The other catch, Kelly, is that he's been in love with Elizabeth since he appeared on the scene. But no one tells her that.


• Jess does marvel that it seems exceptionally wrong to be helping someone else snag Nicholas since she's STILL got the hots for him. Agreed, Jess. Your Sainthood will be put on the docket immediately.


• The cover scene actually sort of happens on K's first day at SVH. Kelly wears a pink shirt to match Jessica's t-shirt from airport day and we'll just assume it's purple like the cover, and Liz has worn her blue tee, and they're wearing little denim miniskirts. Liz, I should mention, does this totally by accident, not realizing what the other two are planning.


• The girls of SVH detail the ways K does not look exactly like the twins: her hair is a shade darker and not as wavy, her eyes are green, her cheekbones are higher, and she has a narrower face. Truthfully, that last one aside, she sounds prettier. *runs from the SVH mob*


• 15-0-20. Kelly's locker combo.


• Robin Wilson is in the Four County Diving Championship. Woo?


• Kelly, like everyone else, adores Mr. Collins.


• Olivia has chem class with Kelly.


• Kelly has nightmares that are so bad that she cries in her sleep but cannot remember anything concrete about them when she wakes.


• The DB has pinball machines and video games. Great, now I'd kill for a cheeseburger.


• Greg Bates has black hair, a rogue-ish, self mocking smile, dark eyes, and oozes charm. He's so hot that Jess forgets for a moment that he was family. Make of that what you will.


• K is invited to the Country Club costume party a week from Saturday.


• Jess wanted to use ostrich plumes for her CC costume party costume.


• Kelly suggests the Three Musketeers and Nich suggests the 3 Blind Mice. Later Liz will suggest the Bronte sisters.


• Kelly stomps all over Jess during tennis. No!


• Alice spent $35 at Sport Zone on Jessica's new cheer leading uniform, a small fortune at Book Worm for Liz's reference books, and we know this because Ned is freaking out over a credit card statement.


• Greg says he'll be in the Valley [yes, actually in the Valley!] at 5pm. He runs a little late and doesn't appear until 6:30.


• Lila's bathroom has a jacuzzi, two sinks, mirrors everywhere, and fantastic lighting. And you really expected less?


• Whenever someone says they're keeping it real, or that someone is a real person, and they don't mean, "Hey, I know the real -someone whose name is shared by fictional character but in this case we don't actually mean the fictional person-" I want to bitchslap whomever. Because it's fucking stupid is what it is.


• Marci Kaplan is a willowy brunette who happens to be Kirk the Jerk's ex/not quite so ex as K thought.


• Kelly is reading Tess of the d'Urbervilles in study hall.


• K is roped into writing A Stranger's View of Sweet Valley High after she turns down writing a piece on how the Valley has changed since she last lived there. Penny demands a hook/gimmick.


• For whatever reason the girls in the shower room at SVH are singing Rubber Duckie.


• There's a pre-dinner party at the Wakefields for Kelly's birthday.


• Aunt Laura sends Kelly flowers: roses, carnations, lilies, freesias, snapdragons, and floating ferns. Initially Kelly thinks they're from her father, but the pink card tells her otherwise. Suddenly they go from "So beautiful, you shouldn't have!" to "ugh, tryhard." Miracles do happen!


• Greg waxes poetic about a beautiful antique writing desk in Paris, but he didn't want K to wait for a present, as shipping would take forever, so... he brought nothing. Yeah, wha?


• Liz and I agree that Greg is an ass.


• Jess is very crafty and really gets into her 3 No Evils costumes.


• Jess also apparently babysits for Steven's professors.


• Liz drove to the costume party [and thus the only one with shoes]. She was Speak No Evil, Jess was Hear No Evil, and Kelly was See No Evil.


• For those playing along at home, The Droids played Dance Bop, an original of theirs. My ears bleed at the mere thought.


• Lila dresses as Princess Di, Enid is a hippie, Jeffrey is a wino, Susan Stewart is Rita Hayworth, Ken is Donald Duck, Robin wore a wet suit, Kirk was a pirate, Winston won most creative for coming as a bunch of grapes, and Sandy won most authentic for her Mexican dress she borrowed from Manuel's family.


• Robin is accepted early admittance to Sarah Lawrence College.

Quote-a-luscious:



"She tried some cocaine, and it did something weird to her heart. She went into a coma and died." -Regina in a nutshell, courtesy of Jess. p12

"Come on, it's no big deal. We've doubled up lots of times. You can sit on Liz's lap."
"She's so generous with other people's laps." Jess/Liz, p17/18

"You're in a unique position, living with the infamous Wakefield twins. How about writing an expose: 'The Secret Life of Elizabeth and Jessica- The True Story.'" - Oh, Penny... p24

"You know," Jessica muttered, "It's pretty mind boggling to think I'm helping to fix Nicholas up with someone else. Even if she is my cousin." - p29

Jessica scowled. Kelly's complaints about her mother didn't impress her. All mothers acted that way, Jessica wanted to point out. That's just the way they were., - So wise, Jess. p56

"That's how I think of you-as a totally real person." You are so lame, Kirk. SO LAME. p80



   As a kid I really liked this one. I don't know why. Maybe because nothing really happened, but the idea of having a cousin stay that long and have that much fun while there seemed fantastic. Particularly because it was the closest I knew I'd ever get to having a sister, and I sort of wanted one of mine to come stay for awhile. Naturally I was glossing over the fact that my cousins and I didn't get along for the first two hours of any given visit, and usually the last hour was a little dicey, too.
  Of course, as a kid I thought Kelly's preoccupation with her father and his inability to see his glaring faults was more than a little annoying, too. Still, I loved the idea of a third Wakefield twin [I know, but bear with me and we'll cut out the triplet speak] and Kelly herself seemed like she'd be fun. A mix of the twins, you know?
   Still don't fully understand why they didn't just put Kelly in Steven's room while he was away because it takes him two weeks to show up.




This has been mostly done for ages. I'm just that much of a slacker. Didja miss me?